To have told DH that I really don't care about his mother's opinion?

[LeaveMeBMan]

We're redecorating. I wanted rid of the dark red themed living room so stripped the wallpaper and told DH I was painting the main wall a pale green and the other walls white. I've got rid of the dark wooden flooring and replaced it with distressed white oak.

DH came back from his mother's at weekend saying "she doesn't like your ideas on the walls, she thinks it will make the room look cold". I said "oh right".

On Sunday I got the car keys and told DH I was off to buy the paint. He said "oh? Thought you were going to wallpaper?". I said "what made you think that? We've said all along we would immulsion to brighten it up". He said "yeah but then my mum said it would look really cold remember?" So I said "yeah she did, and I disagree".

So he said "what do you're still going to plow ahead with your plans no matter what anyone else thinks?" So I got irritated and said "I really don't care what anyone else thinks, why would I?".

DH is very much a people pleaser and likes to think other people like his house, clothes, choice in car etc whereas I really couldn't give a shit. I do have aspergers so not to drip feed which is maybe why I don't factor in other people's opinions but DH is now in a mood over it saying I'm pointlessly stubborn and antisocial.

Am I in the right not to care?!

Doesn't look like OP's coming back. Maybe she dicided to lay a new patio instead!

*dEcided, not dIcided!

Other people's opinions may not matter to you but they clearly do to your dh. He is entitled to change his mind after hearing other people's opinions. (And I'd agree with them. Would never have a room for living in painted in white - too clinical for me ).

"Excellent, she won't want to come around so much then."
We had this with fil years ago. "Ooo you don't want to get a plain carpet, show every mark" nod and smile get it anyway.Then on a visit when ds dropped something on carpet. "Ooo I told you so" as dh wiped it up off the scotch guarded floor.

It is seriously irritating when people constantly worry more about other people's opinions than their own. My DH is a bit like this; he got really worried about what people might think when I stopped on the way in to the maternity hospital when I was in labour, due to breathing through a contraction. I had to point out that the neighbours were probably rather used to women in labour, and anyway I didn't bloody care what a bunch of strangers might think.

However, I do think you will come to regret stark white, it'll be really glaring on three walls. And you'll really come to regret white floorboards the millionth time you have to clean them ...

You like it, your husband liked it until MIL gave her opinion. Go with what you both already agreed, It sounds lovely.

I think the OP read as if it were just her decision, and the first few responses queried how much of an input DH had had. When she explained he had indeed been consulted that should have been the end of any accusations of not doing so. I totally agree that if a guy says he likes a colour scheme when he doesn't really then he only has himself to blame if he is unhappy with the end result. After all, when he reported MIL's comment he didn't add "and I'm inclined to agree" or even a subtler version thereof. For that matter, if he had, he needs to take into account that his wife has Asperger's and may not pick up on remarks that are too oblique. (Actually anyone may be excused for not picking up on something that is not explicitly, if tactfully, said.)

I hesitate to join the grammar policing but just have to comment that there is no accepted definition of "antisocial" that would include "painting your room in colours other people may not like". Going round to their house and painting their rooms in colours they don't like may qualify.

I sympathize OP. My DH is the same. I always make sure he is given as much choice and decision as me but one mention to his parents and we have to do what they think all of a sudden.

I settle this by telling him to go live with them. He soon xhages his mind back to our original plan.

So annoying because my parents are just generally supportive and non insisting of their way.

I have a lovely green feature fireplace wall and the rest of the walls are a very pale mushroom colour which is light but warmer in tone than white. Am jealous of your floor we have black/grey hard cold tiles.

OP I could have written this exact post!

My DH always has to run every decision past his family (he's the youngest of 3, I was an only child to a single parent)
We have not long moved into our new house, so we're ordering new sofas and had a few colour options to choose from when he decided he would take them to Sunday lunch with his family for their opinions... I had to point out that none of his family have the same taste as us, and while their homes suit them, they are not decorated the same way we would decorate/furnish ours.

Then, while attempting to choose paint colours, I said I wanted a very pale grey with a darker grey on the top third of the wall in one room and he said he would ask the decorators (his friend) opinion I politely reminded him that the decorator doesn't live here so it's not his call to make!

Sometimes you've just go to be straight to the point about it

I remember MIL coming round to see our newly decorated lounge ...... she clutched the door frame dramatically and burst into tears

Op, i totally agree with you. Your husband has to stop listening to his mother. The colour scheme sounds lovely (you go girl.)

(Picking up on the op spelling mistakes is fucking ridiculous)

The new colour scheme sounds really nice and modern, and white is easily painted over if you or he decide you don't like it. MIL can piss off.

“My mum is a bit like your MIL. we get on well, but she gets very offended if I don't follow her opinion on something. She once stood in my bedroom and said "this mirror would be better by that wall". I said "oh, do you think so?" and continued with what i was doing. She stood looking at me for a good twenty seconds, obviously expecting me to move it there and then, then stormed out huffing "well clearly you're not going to listen to advice". ”

The problem in this scenario, and the one in the OP, is the “oh ok” or “do you think so?” response.

I know it’s hailed as a panacea on here, but the noncommittal “that’s nice” approach doesn’t go down well with some.

OP, if you had replied to your DH “ok, your mum doesn’t like it, but I do, so I’ll be proceeding” then this argument wouldn’t have happened. You could’ve discussed it at the time. Personally, I think replying “ok” sounds very much like “I agree” or “ok then, we’ll change it” [in this scenario].

Come on - you know that simply replying “ok” isn’t really on, when you know that you plan on doing the exact opposite.

FWIW, I absolutely agree that you should proceed painting the living room however you want it. Your MIL absolutely doesn’t get a say. I just think you’re being a bit “what, me?!” pretending that your reply wasn’t a bit off, is disingenuous.

As for your DH, it’s ok to be a people pleaser. That’s his own thing to worry about. Your attitude seems to be that your way is right and his is wrong. Careful there. And it is perfectly normal to seek approval from your peers, it’s part of being human.

It's ok to be a people pleaser, so long as it doesn't affect anyone else negatively. If it affects the person you've made a home with, negatively, then you need to reconsider your priorities.

I agree Motoko, I guess that’s what I alluded to when I said “that’s his own thing to worry about”, it does sound like he’s a bit on the end of the “people pleasing” spectrum!
But, judging by the strength of the DH’s reaction it sounds to me like he’s sort of had enough of the OP’s absolute refusal to even consider any other opinions. And again, I think it was odd to just say “ok” when presented with an opinion. It was clear that the DH was saying it for a reason, not just making conversation.