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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH that I really don't care about his mother's opinion?

215 replies

LeaveMeBMan · 07/06/2018 11:08

We're redecorating. I wanted rid of the dark red themed living room so stripped the wallpaper and told DH I was painting the main wall a pale green and the other walls white. I've got rid of the dark wooden flooring and replaced it with distressed white oak.

DH came back from his mother's at weekend saying "she doesn't like your ideas on the walls, she thinks it will make the room look cold". I said "oh right".

On Sunday I got the car keys and told DH I was off to buy the paint. He said "oh? Thought you were going to wallpaper?". I said "what made you think that? We've said all along we would immulsion to brighten it up". He said "yeah but then my mum said it would look really cold remember?" So I said "yeah she did, and I disagree".

So he said "what do you're still going to plow ahead with your plans no matter what anyone else thinks?" So I got irritated and said "I really don't care what anyone else thinks, why would I?".

DH is very much a people pleaser and likes to think other people like his house, clothes, choice in car etc whereas I really couldn't give a shit. I do have aspergers so not to drip feed which is maybe why I don't factor in other people's opinions but DH is now in a mood over it saying I'm pointlessly stubborn and antisocial.

Am I in the right not to care?!

OP posts:
Original poster
LeaveMeBMan · 07/06/2018 11:25

I have asked him again, he's still saying he likes it but is worried that other people might think it looks cold.

OP posts:
Jozxyqk · 07/06/2018 11:26

Ask him why he's changed his mind. If it's just down to what MIL said... nope. If he actually has his own thoughts on the matter, he deserves to have an opinion, but MIL does not!

DeepFatFriar · 07/06/2018 11:26

Your colour choices sound awful tbf. I prefer the sound of the original!

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 07/06/2018 11:27

DisgraceToTheYChromosome - what are you on about?

Original poster
LeaveMeBMan · 07/06/2018 11:28

I didn't understand chromosomes post either 😂

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsOsmond · 07/06/2018 11:28

You live there. Your MIL doesn't. There's nothing more to say.

Racecardriver · 07/06/2018 11:29

You husband sounds bonkers. In now way does 'My mother doesn't like it.' with a response 'Oh OK.' mean 'We should do what mother says.' 'You are so right, let's change all of our plans.'

Is he used to living under he skirt?

cjt110 · 07/06/2018 11:29

Tell your DH you don't much like his mother or his attitude - and ask when is she going to change it purely because you said you don't like it. >>>

onalongsabbatical · 07/06/2018 11:30

Gosh, I can see why he's upset. You're awfully touchy. And in your last post, it's your, not you're.
I am absolutely no-one, but that doesn't mean I need your permission to correct your spelling, because as you say, it's an internet forum. I can say what I'm moved to say.

Original poster
LeaveMeBMan · 07/06/2018 11:32

He's the same with holidays. His family like Benidorm and nearby beach holidays. We like travelling far afield, Vietnam, Dubai etc.

I noticed he started locking down his Facebook so that photos didn't appear to people and asked me not to mention where we were going to anyone. Turns out his family had been asking him why we travel to weird places and so he felt embarrassed as we were doing stuff other people didn't approve of.

I don't understand it, why would you care what other people think?

OP posts:
Jozxyqk · 07/06/2018 11:32

FWIW, I think your proposed colour scheme sounds great. A light green & white scheme sounds cheerful, like spring colours. Not cold at all.

Original poster
LeaveMeBMan · 07/06/2018 11:33

onalongsabbatical - you correct away, you'll be ignored. I don't care about my spelling on an Internet forum so you're wasting your time.

OP posts:
AbsolutelyBeginning · 07/06/2018 11:33

If your DH agreed to the colour scheme, you should both get to see how the finished room will look without changing halfway through to please MIL.

If when it's done and you've lived with it for a bit, you and DH can have another chat and see how you feel then.

Paint is easily changed.

BlankTimes · 07/06/2018 11:34

Do you both jointly own the house? If so, and if your DH has any of his own individual input, then it's considerate to decide on something mutually appealing to live with for interiors.

However, whatever schemes both of you choose, and with the caveat you're not living in his mother's house, it's none of his mother's business. She has no authority over how you design your home.

Interior decoration reflects personal taste, quite often with a couple, one will have strong views and want to change quite a lot until they are happy and the other will just not be bothered or have the skills for interiors and they know from experience it'll be pleasant to live in when the other one has finished.
Or, they both have very strong views and have a conversation and compromise.

Your DH needs to give his head a wobble if he thinks you not doing what his mummy wants is antisocial Smile

BlueBiros · 07/06/2018 11:34

it sounds a bit like you're treating his opinion as irrelevant
How?! She asked him, he said he liked it so she has proceeded. If his opinion was irrelevant she wouldn't have bothered asking in the first place.

OP, you are right - if he pretended to like it but didn't that really is his look out. You can't spend your life second guessing if your DH is being honest!

For the sake of a peaceful life it might be worth a calmer conversation where you explain this to him - it is your's and DH's home so anyone else's opinions are irrelevant. However, if there is backstory of putting his mother's opinions before yours and he is regularly changing his opinion after speaking to his mother then you have bigger issues than the colour of the wall.

ILoveMyDressingGown · 07/06/2018 11:35

If you can afford it, paint it the colours you've chosen, live with it for a week or two and see whether it feels cold or not. If it doesn't, great, and if it does then redecorate in warmer, but still bright tones.

Ultimately, it's yours and your husband's house and you're the ones who have to live in it so yours are the only opinions that matter. If your husband is absolutely sure he likes the colours, ignore anyone else.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 07/06/2018 11:35

I don't understand it, why would you care what other people think?

It doesn't matter if you don't understand it, that's how he is and there's nothing wrong with looking for reassurance over your decisions from other people. He obviously thinks highly of their opinions, its just how he is and that's not a terrible thing.

MadeleineMaxwell · 07/06/2018 11:37

He agreed with me but apparently he probably secretly didn't agree? So how should I have proceeded?

I'm with you. If you've given him options and had the discussion, why should you be expected to suddenly intuit that his feelings have changed if he doesn't bleedin' well say so? He's a grown-up, isn't he? Presumably he met you before he married you and therefore had a reasonable idea of what he could expect from you, yes?

fuzzywuzzy · 07/06/2018 11:37

I can’t see any reason why he’s getting upset.

You both agreed on your colour choices, you both started the redecorating and once he speak to his mum he wants to change it all in case people don’t like it!

What if you decorate according to his mothers chocies and someone else tells you it’s not a good look, will he change his mind again?

I’d decorate it the way you both originally agreed, you’re the ones who will be living there.

BlueBiros · 07/06/2018 11:38

And I know that other people's opinions don't matter, but I like the sound of the colours you have chosen. Give me a bright room over "warm colours" any day!

onalongsabbatical · 07/06/2018 11:39

Thank you! My time is mine to use how I choose.

Cath2907 · 07/06/2018 11:39

I too have Aspergers. I assume your DH, like mine, is well aware of the fact that we don't cope well with "social niceties". If my DH has an opinion he tells me what it is. If I asked him if he likes something he'd say yes or no he wouldn't spin me a line that required me to interpret because I can't do that well.

Assuming your DH knows you then he should have told you what he thought of the decoration and if he himself has changed his mind he should make that clear to you. I'd read this situation the same way you have and would be ignoring my MILs opinion as she doesn't live in my house and has no say.

BottleOfJameson · 07/06/2018 11:40

LeaveMeBMan I don't think it's fair to dismiss DH's opinion however he chose to form that opinion. He wants his house to be a nice place for guests and he worries that colour won't be welcoming. Personally I wouldn't mind what guests think about my colour scheme but if DH does care he should still get a say!

NorthernKnickers · 07/06/2018 11:41

I think your colour choices sound lovely and fresh OP. Not cold at all! My bedroom is light green and white and it's my haven...I love it. Ignore your interfering MiL and crack on 💐

AbsolutelyBeginning · 07/06/2018 11:42

And I know that other people's opinions don't matter, but I like the sound of the colours you have chosen. Give me a bright room over "warm colours" any day!

Yes, I like the sound of OP's fresh green and white room over the previously dark red.

Our last house was so dark and gloomy - nothing seemed to lift it. When we moved to our current airy and bright house, I made sure to decorate with light, fresh colours. No more gloom for me!