To not help SIL out with childcare?

[YullBeHappy]

So basically, after letting her DCs make the most ridiculous amount of mess known to man, BIL and DH followed our nephew 1 into the garden to play.

After asking her what my plans on returning to work after my maternity leave were, (I don't think I'll be going back but said I'm looking for something a bit closer to home, nearer the time I'm due back), she went on to tell me about the costs of having her two DCs in nursery.

She said "So we were wondering if you'd have DS1 for us two days a week?".... "Obviously I'd pay you, but I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

Me "I don't think so, my DC has modelling to do and I never know when I have to go to London. It's all very last minute and I don't think I could commit to that".

DH's SIL "Right, but does it have to be on those two days? Can't you arrange it for different days?"

Me "No, sadly it doesn't work like that"

DH's SIL "Oh right"....

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

So I quickly changed the subject and asked if she'd like some clothes I bought for DC when he's bigger but don't much like anymore.

Then DH came through with BIL and they left after about 5 minutes after that.

AIBU to not help SIL out with childcare?

DH's sister (not his SIL), works part time and has SIL's DSs two and a half days a week, along with looking after her DDs. They don't pay her much.

Not really relevant but just to give contexts.

I wouldn't mind but they don't talk to me otherwise really, unless I'm at SIL's (DH's sister). No contact apart from that. DH speaks to his brother about odd bits but they aren't 'chatty'

Of course you don’t have to. Completely up to you.

As far as I know, if you’re being paid for childcare you’d need to be registered/ofsted etc. It would be illegal otherwise I believe.

Besides that YANBU at all and I would say no as it will tie you down considerably.

If she can’t afford childcare then they need to re-evaluate work etc so that they can afford their children.

Yanbu. It really is a huge commitment and it could go pear shaped very quickly. What if their kids are sick? What if yours are? What if you have plans? What if you need some time alone with your kids or appointments to attend? No theres too much to go wrong with this.

Hide I feel a bit selfish

But ultimately this isn't really just about me.

It will impact my baby, too.

An unfamiliar 2.5 year old suddenly entering his life just wouldn't work right now

Miss Thank you. Interestingly enough, DH said it wouldn't be doable because of appointments alone (my health isn't all that a lot of the time, I'm under a few specialists, etc)

The old mantra applies 'No' is a complete sentence. Not your issue or of any priority to you. Especially, if you do not have a close relationship.

Say no. Don't feel guilty. It was a cf request, she knew it and you knew it. You said no. All good.

It would be too much of a constraint on your life. If you wanted to be a childminder you'd be a childminder.

You've got to do what is right for you... and not feel guilty about it. X

Oh course you don't have to help with childcare. But I'm not sure SIL will have that impression from what you said. She will think you are trying to think of ways to make it work. I would text her as soon as possible, just saying no it doesn't work for you. Don't give any excuses as she will try and find a way round them.

No way. They're not even friendly with you! Why on earth would you do that for them?

That's the thing, they want childcare cheaper than nursery.

Occasional sitting is fine, continuous care is a job.

Something that you're not enthusiastic about to start with ya likely to turn into a disaster. Also I note she didn't ask you directly but asked first what your plans are, to make it more difficult for you to say no. Then when you did say no, she didn't accept your answer. Those traits are not on, and not a great warning sign.

Also, we can empathise with others peoples problems but it doesn't mean we have to agree to solve them.

Is likely...

Some lovely replies here, I thought I would be eaten alive in AIBU

Although I have to say, surely no as a full sentence may be a little harsh?

Wouldn't "Really sorry, it just wouldn't work for me" be nicer?

Perhaps I'm just not assertive enough

YANBU- suddenly you become the paid childcare. What happens when you want to go on holiday and it doesn't suit them, or one of the DC gets injured in your care or your ill. Absolutely not, would change the dynamic of your relationship and it sounds like she is a CF anyway as you don't really have one.

I do feel bad for them as she's saying she got the bill for their 2.5 days at nursery last week and it's £2K for a child under 1 and a 2.5 year old.

She says she's worked out they were better off when she was on maternity leave.

But then I do think they can be right CF as they were paying my SIL £150 a month for 2 day's childcare before their DS2 was born, and now they're having 2.5 days off of her and giving her 2 DCs, but only paying an extra £50 a month.

SIL swears though that they can't afford more and she needs the cash (she's very hard up, but very generous)

This line was your mistake:

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

You gave her hope. Whether or not she can afford childcare for two kids isn't your problem. Don't make it yours either! Go back to her now and confirm your original stance.

I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

Like this is your problem?!

That's a very manipulative thing to say, she's trying to make it your problem.

Has DH's sister spoken to you about how little they pay her? I would be telling her that you said no to providing childcare, it may give her the courage to say no too.

Shumpa I think you may have crossed posted as I answered that just now it isn't much, I think it's down right cheeky actually

But apparently all they can afford

@lpdipme no you don’t have to be ofsted registered, it’s perfectly legal... childcare providers only have to be ofsted registered if you’re planning on paying then using working tax credits or tax free childcare vouchers.

OP no no no, there’s your answer.
She’s a serious CF for thinking you’d want to at all. Like a PP said as a one off it’s nice to help out with childcare for family or friends, but not on regular days. It would be so restrictive to your own plans and family life

No' is a complete sentence.
It really is! But if t's too blunt on its own, then make sure any sentence you do use has the word NO in it.

Don't feel bad for them. They decided to have their DCs, so it's their responsibility. Not yours.

""So we were wondering if you'd have DS1 for us two days a week?".... "Obviously I'd pay you, but I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

So they would want to be paying less than they do now?

Shouldn't they actually be paying more for the closer attention he would get??!!

I think it's just too much commitment tbh.

Then if he is ill or you are ill...

If they were honestly better off when she was on maternity leave then suggest either her or her DH goes part time at with... ta-dah! Problem solved!

*at work