To not help SIL out with childcare?

[YullBeHappy]

So basically, after letting her DCs make the most ridiculous amount of mess known to man, BIL and DH followed our nephew 1 into the garden to play.

After asking her what my plans on returning to work after my maternity leave were, (I don't think I'll be going back but said I'm looking for something a bit closer to home, nearer the time I'm due back), she went on to tell me about the costs of having her two DCs in nursery.

She said "So we were wondering if you'd have DS1 for us two days a week?".... "Obviously I'd pay you, but I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

Me "I don't think so, my DC has modelling to do and I never know when I have to go to London. It's all very last minute and I don't think I could commit to that".

DH's SIL "Right, but does it have to be on those two days? Can't you arrange it for different days?"

Me "No, sadly it doesn't work like that"

DH's SIL "Oh right"....

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

So I quickly changed the subject and asked if she'd like some clothes I bought for DC when he's bigger but don't much like anymore.

Then DH came through with BIL and they left after about 5 minutes after that.

AIBU to not help SIL out with childcare?

DH's sister (not his SIL), works part time and has SIL's DSs two and a half days a week, along with looking after her DDs. They don't pay her much.

Not really relevant but just to give contexts.

I wouldn't mind but they don't talk to me otherwise really, unless I'm at SIL's (DH's sister). No contact apart from that. DH speaks to his brother about odd bits but they aren't 'chatty'

You do indeed need to be more assertive OP, you are under absolutely no obligation to solve people's problems for them (took me a long time to learn that!) and there is nothing 'mean' about not taking on something you don't want to do, would make your life harder and has little or no advantage for you and your own DC.

I've been a people pleaser all my life but seem to have hit my 40's and suddenly developed a backbone and stopped letting people walk all over me. It's liberating actually, not giving a shiny shit what anyone thinks of me, I hope you hit that point in your life too

I wouldn't bother finding out their phone number to restart this conversation. If they ever have the cheek to bring it up you could use it as an example of how separate your lives are and how surprised you are that they'd even think to ask you. (And then repeat broken record style what you said before about how it really wouldn't work for you.)

No way on earth would I look after someone else's child for £150 / month. If their nursery genuinely charges £2k a month then they should get a nanny. I pay my nanny that and get a clean house and all the laundry and cooking done too!

Is that full time 10 hrs a day 5 days a week?

The fact is lots of women can't afford to work till the kids are school age for this reason. Out of my NCT group of 8 mums only 4 have gone back to work because of this - and they are the ones who get free childcare from their parents.

The cost of a full time nanny round here is about £4k per month iirc.

Of course none of this is your problem op and if someone asked me that i'd say no way. It's too restrictive for you. I'd never ask anyone to do that level of favour. Altho i do understand the predicament.

I will either get it off of DH to send the text or will have to find it from the family group chat (think there's a way you can find it)

Don't do this. have your DH text his BIL and say "Yull said SIL asked her if we could take the DCs for a couple of days a week. But I'm afraid that just doesn't work for us. Sorry."

That leaves much less of an opening for BIL or SIL to pressure you directly (as they still won't have your number). It subtly highlights that they are asking someone they didn't even have contact info for to look after their children. And it puts up comes across as more of a final decision - because you both obviously agree.

I would get DH to contact them.. or use DH's phone.. Using DH phone as I don't have your number..

I would reply as they will be expecting it to work.

I simple sorry it won't work is enough.

I am a childminder.. I have three similar age children 2 days a week.. 2 the other . I enjoy it but it is exhausting .. I would not do it without been paid a decent wage .

She's the original cheeky fucker. She's already managed to offload childcare onto one sil and now she wants to use you for the remainder of the week.
Don't feel guilty at all for saying no - it's not your responsibility to enable her to work. You've got your own kids anf finances to consider.

@itscurtainsforyou still works out as £100 per day per child! What sort of nursery charges that??? I think that’s bullshit.

If you don't have their number, and they don't have yours, then leave it. Don't ask anyone for it!

I agree with Motoko. Don't open up an avenue of communication.

Hopefully she got the message.

Our local nursery is £84 per day per child i think.

Send her a text now along the lines of ' So sorry I can't help with childcare XXX but I really hope you can find an easy solution. Loved seeing you at the weekend. Hugs and Kisses.'

Finish this now or it will become messy.

She is a total CF and you are too nice.

She sounds a right CF. I think you have to say a very loud and definate 'no' or get your DH to text his brother and say it. If you leave it she may try and railroad you into it. You are not mean to say no and you dont have to give any reasons. Just that you were asked and you are not going to do it.

@mrskoala holy shit. I’ve never heard of one that expensive. Round here, and it’s a wealthy middle class area, it’s about £40-45 per day.

I see that later in the thread Yull says it would be £2k full time, so £50each per day. That’s about right. But by paying sil £200 per month, for half a weeks work, she’s saving £800. That’s quite an imbalance!

I used to look after my friends child, while I was on maternity. I didn’t get paid for it. It turned into a bloody nightmare. It is a recipe for falling out with people and introducing resentment into a relationship. I used to get so would up that she treated me like a paid childminder. She’d pop to the supermarket after work before picking her kid up, and I’d have struggled round the supermarket myself that day with mine and her child!!

Wound, not would.

I definitely wouldn't just leave it as some people are suggesting.

You leave yourself open to 'What? But i thought it would be ok, you said [insert mis-remembered sentence here]. What will I do next month?'

None of which will be your fault but CFs possibly bad-mouthing you to the rest of the family is drama you don't need.

Get her number. Text her 'Hi SIL, I've had a think but i'm afraid I won't be able to mind your ds as I feel having the two dc will be too much. Lovely seeing you today x' or similar.

Then it's done, no possible misunderstandings or future repercussions.

@kolo isn't it £50 per child per day? If they're 2.5 days a week each, so paying for 5 days in total per week, that's £50 isn't it? Although I do know nurseries that charge £100/day

If she's proposing to pay you to look after her children at your house, you are legally required to register as a childminder. Just tell her you can't be arsed with the red tape, and in any case you need the flexibility to be able to go to London at short notice, as you already said, so can't commit to anything regular. You owe her fuck all - don't you dare feel guilty at not wishing to provide her with heavily discounted childcare!!

While would normally say don't bother following up and leave it, i think there is a chance she may wilfully misinterpret what you said to her. She may optimistically tell BIL you said you'd think about the details and get back to them and then act like you essentially agreed.

I think you need to make it unambiguously clear you are not going to do it. Desperate people can convince themselves of anything if there's even a slight hesitation in your tone.

Id text. 'Just following up from our conversation regarding childminding x for 2 days week. I really wont be able to do this. Catch up at grandmas 80th next month. Yul'

If you start explaining why it wont work she will try to solve it. If you suggest any alternatives you are making it your problem to solve. Don't apologise either. That regretful tone is often an 'in' for people to talk you round.

Neither of my sisters work (their husbands earn well so not short of money either). I would never ask them to look after my children on a regular basis but both are happy to help me cover our childminder's holiday weeks. Maybe suggest she finds a childminder which is generally cheaper and offer to help her out on an ad hoc basis.

I'm part time and there's no way I'd take on an extra child or two every week on my day off with my children.

bella any ad hoc weeks wouldn't work for me either as I may well need to be in London. I'm there nearly every week at the moment

To be fair, SIL did say "she thought I might want to earn myself a bit of money"

Kolo - i know! we put DD in for 2 half days a week and that's what it costs for a whole day (it's about £45 per half day). I think you may get 10% off for a sibling and they may get cheaper over 2 or 3. But it's still eye watering. We had a nanny for 3 days a week and it cost us approx £2k month.

What about if you have your own medical appointments to attend?

I'd say that is a pretty solid reason for saying no.

With the emphasis on "a bit."

I think £25 per day to look after two small children is the sort of money someone might give their mother (who has otherwise refused payment) because it would cover the cost of food, a day out to the park, etc. It's not the sort of amount you'd expect to earn if you were doing that as a job.

Hollow I wouldn't be getting that much. Would be less

SIL gets that much because she looks after both of her boys, for not just two days, but 2 and a half

So double the work plus an extra half of a day

How about "sorry SIL. I've thought about it and I'd rather be dragged over a bed of hot coals with my tongue stuck to a meat lorry."

I wouldn't do this - it's a huge commitment and I just wouldn't want to look after two who weren't mine (didn't become a childminder for a reason).

But I would be kind to her about it and just say, "Sorry, we really can't help. Hope you find something suitable."

She has been a bit cheeky but you're family. There is no need to alienate her.