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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help SIL out with childcare?

212 replies

YullBeHappy · 05/06/2018 17:09

So basically, after letting her DCs make the most ridiculous amount of mess known to man, BIL and DH followed our nephew 1 into the garden to play.

After asking her what my plans on returning to work after my maternity leave were, (I don't think I'll be going back but said I'm looking for something a bit closer to home, nearer the time I'm due back), she went on to tell me about the costs of having her two DCs in nursery.

She said "So we were wondering if you'd have DS1 for us two days a week?".... "Obviously I'd pay you, but I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

Me "I don't think so, my DC has modelling to do and I never know when I have to go to London. It's all very last minute and I don't think I could commit to that".

DH's SIL "Right, but does it have to be on those two days? Can't you arrange it for different days?"

Me "No, sadly it doesn't work like that"

DH's SIL "Oh right"....

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

So I quickly changed the subject and asked if she'd like some clothes I bought for DC when he's bigger but don't much like anymore.

Then DH came through with BIL and they left after about 5 minutes after that.

AIBU to not help SIL out with childcare?

DH's sister (not his SIL), works part time and has SIL's DSs two and a half days a week, along with looking after her DDs. They don't pay her much.

Not really relevant but just to give contexts.

I wouldn't mind but they don't talk to me otherwise really, unless I'm at SIL's (DH's sister). No contact apart from that. DH speaks to his brother about odd bits but they aren't 'chatty'

OP posts:
Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 06/06/2018 17:58

Oh girl.Don't do it,lol.But on the serious side, I would NOT do it.2 days a week will turn to 3 and so on... Your only commitment should be to your own little family.It took me until I was about 30 to learn to tell people no. I'm a sahm and I have actually been asked to go let a friend's dogs back into their house because it was going to rain. I said NO.😉 Stick to your guns Girl!!

YearOfYouRemember · 06/06/2018 17:59

If someone else has their child for 2.5 days and they wanted you to care for them two days then are they saying they can only afford one day at nursery?

lauramaywharton · 06/06/2018 18:03

Why do people aways want others to look after there kids you had them you take care of them my SIL used to go though something similar it was killing her and her relationship with the kids and mother and father they wanted extra money so the mother got a job then thought she could get free child care off everyone else or cheaper so she can still have her purse filled and a social work life while others are getting drained by her kids and having no life because of other people's kids she also used to come collect them late all the time so she could get some time to herself, and thought it was acceptable because they where family watching them. Also it's hard to try and stop once you have started as they say I carnt find child care now or can you just carry on for a week, a month or so, so I can sort things out. Dont start it never ends well.

somersetsoul · 06/06/2018 18:09

YANBU - SAY NO!! Always so no to random requests for days here and there, it will become a pattern!

If she can't afford child care she shouldn't have have kids. Mean but true.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 06/06/2018 18:12

How are you going to manage the modelling when you are back at work?

MrsDilber · 06/06/2018 18:12

She's being a CF in the extreme. She needs to know that no is the answer. End of story and don't feel guilty about it either. The CFery is strong in that one.

WorriedWanda · 06/06/2018 18:14

If you are going to accept payment for childcare then you need to register to be a childminder, do all the training, keep all the paperwork up to date, undertake risk assessments on EVERYTHING, be inspected by Ofsted on a regular basis, get trained on first aid... it's a BIG commitment. So unless you want to do all that (or do it for free) I'd decline.

Also, if they can't afford professional childcare, they will pay you less for...professional childcare. Why should you accept less?

ManOfKent · 06/06/2018 18:20

Maybe ask her if she can give up work and you can then suggest she cares for YOUR baby - why is her work life more important than yours??

Gemini69 · 06/06/2018 18:22

I wouldn't commit to looking after anyone's child.. no matter who it was.. it ties you down OP .. you did the right thing... Flowers

MrBlobbyWasTrulyAwful · 06/06/2018 18:26

I agree with everyone here.

Although... this occurred to me if she keeps pushing:
I’ve looked into childminding, the course costs x. I’d expect you to cover the cost.
Also, the going rate here is £5.50 an hour per child- so mates rates £10 an hour for both? I’d want to be making sure it’s all legal.

Call her on it and sound genuine, then watch her run for the hills. 😂😂

eggsandwich · 06/06/2018 18:26

I looked after a family members child for a while, didn’t ask to be paid for it my decision but it was so much harder looking after someone else’s child than your own, the responsibility and disciplining in line with what their parent want, I found it too exhausting in the end and gave them notice, I also didn’t feel appreciated and they took the piss a couple of time.

halcyondays · 06/06/2018 18:31

Presumably she considered the costs of childcare before having a second child.

If you wanted to look after other people's children on a regular basis, you would have registered as a childminder.

No, no and no would be my answer.

Flobalob · 06/06/2018 18:41

You can't register as a childminder if you're only looking after family.

You are allowed to be paid to look after family members in your home or theirs.

Flobalob · 06/06/2018 18:44

I would just text and say "I've had a long think about it and, unfortunately, I don't feel up to looking after my lovely DN, much as I care about him. Looking after my own child is more than enough for me!"

Angel2702 · 06/06/2018 19:11

You the rules about being a registered childminder do not apply to family members, they are exempt from this rule. You can pay a family member but wouldn’t be able to claim tax credit funding or child care vouchers. As long as the income is declared it’s fine.

Octopeppa · 06/06/2018 19:18

So your SIL only really chats to you when she wants something? That's even more of a "No". Well done on the text, and I'm glad her reply shows she's got the message (for now, at least...)

As for you "might want to earn yourself a bit of money" I think that sounds rather patronising, and cheeky as it implies she'd be doing you a favour Hmm

If she tries again, or others try to wade in, say "No, actually I'm not looking to enter the childcare profession, it's not for me."

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 06/06/2018 19:20

This woman has kids she can't afford proper care for and you have to be the one to make it all ok?

NO. Cheek.

clarkl2 · 06/06/2018 19:30

Absolutely not. They should have thought about things like childcare before adding to their family.
I think it was massively rude of her to ask.

Di11y · 06/06/2018 19:48

We have a 3.5 year gap to make it affordable. Yes I'd have preferred more like 2-2.5 but waited til we could afford to pay childcare then it took longer than planned.

You are responsible for your own children. If she has to give up work because she can't afford childcare that's her lookout.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 06/06/2018 20:06

Your SIL is a mug for doing what she does.

Unfortunately this type of request doesn't seem entirely uncommon. I was asked if I could do 1 day a week to save someone else on childcare. Uh, no, my health isn't great and mine are older and I'm past that toddler stage espeically when child in question is a handful. I find it galling when others think family should step in and do childcare to save someone else money. You can't afford childcare, then don't have the child then whinge about how much it costs. Another family member thinks someone else should do her childcare because it costs them too much and has got really shitty that they won't do it. Their child, their issue. I feel no guilt in saying no to these things. I adore my own children. I have absolutely zero inclination to look after anyone else's child, family or not.

Original poster
YullBeHappy · 06/06/2018 20:26

As for you "might want to earn yourself a bit of money" I think that sounds rather patronising, and cheeky as it implies she'd be doing you a favour 

I did think that at the time. As if she would be just giving me a bit of cash for picking up a weekly shop or something.

Utterly buzzard

OP posts:
Original poster
YullBeHappy · 06/06/2018 20:26

*bizarre

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 06/06/2018 21:24

Well done op. You have passed your assertiveness test!

Athena18 · 06/06/2018 21:26

So how badly do you want to help your SIL and BIL make money and achieve their lifestyle ambitions? At the end of the day, unless looking after someone else’s children is what you really want to do, that’s what it boils down to.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 06/06/2018 22:11

I really don’t know why people think not providing childcare is selfish?

Surely it’s something they’ve thought of...don’t get me wrong. Id be happy to offer one day a week if I didn’t work or have commitments but there is no way I’d offer more than that unless they were my grandchildren.

I don’t feel anyone had a right to expect childcare from anyone....not family....not friends.

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