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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help SIL out with childcare?

212 replies

YullBeHappy · 05/06/2018 17:09

So basically, after letting her DCs make the most ridiculous amount of mess known to man, BIL and DH followed our nephew 1 into the garden to play.

After asking her what my plans on returning to work after my maternity leave were, (I don't think I'll be going back but said I'm looking for something a bit closer to home, nearer the time I'm due back), she went on to tell me about the costs of having her two DCs in nursery.

She said "So we were wondering if you'd have DS1 for us two days a week?".... "Obviously I'd pay you, but I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

Me "I don't think so, my DC has modelling to do and I never know when I have to go to London. It's all very last minute and I don't think I could commit to that".

DH's SIL "Right, but does it have to be on those two days? Can't you arrange it for different days?"

Me "No, sadly it doesn't work like that"

DH's SIL "Oh right"....

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

So I quickly changed the subject and asked if she'd like some clothes I bought for DC when he's bigger but don't much like anymore.

Then DH came through with BIL and they left after about 5 minutes after that.

AIBU to not help SIL out with childcare?

DH's sister (not his SIL), works part time and has SIL's DSs two and a half days a week, along with looking after her DDs. They don't pay her much.

Not really relevant but just to give contexts.

I wouldn't mind but they don't talk to me otherwise really, unless I'm at SIL's (DH's sister). No contact apart from that. DH speaks to his brother about odd bits but they aren't 'chatty'

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 05/06/2018 22:39

Hissy is right. CFs never back down because they truly feel you are obligated to fox everything for them.

Op if you have decided that it is financially / emotionally better for your dc and family to be at home that is your choice, she has chosen to work and therefore will need to sort out childcare.

Also childminders really are much cheaper, she should look into local minders

agnurse · 05/06/2018 22:40

How SIL cares for her children is none of the rest of the family's business. Period. If I was in your position and the rest of the family started hollering that I needed to help out my siblings with childcare, I would be considering a CO very quickly.

You have children, you figure out how they will be cared for and how you're going to pay for that. It's not anyone else's responsibility because your husband is self-employed and because you think nursery's "too expensive". There are boatloads of other options.

Original poster
YullBeHappy · 05/06/2018 22:42

She replied, saying "Okay Yull, not to worry. It was just an idea"

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 05/06/2018 22:47

Well that was easy! I’m surprised not even one objection was raised

Hissy · 05/06/2018 22:52

It was just an idea...

Bil will wade in, mil will wade in....

Original poster
YullBeHappy · 05/06/2018 22:53

Hissy hopefully not! I didn't post in group chat, I got her number and messaged

OP posts:
MiddleMoffat · 05/06/2018 22:55

If you look after other people's children in your own home you need to be OFSTED registered and yes, its a LOT of work
@Flowerpotbicycle

Where did you get the idea you don't have to be? Confused

expatinscotland · 05/06/2018 22:58

It's possible the ILs will wade in. Do not back down. 'NOt able to provide this,' and you leave it at that.

UnderthePalms · 05/06/2018 23:06

No way. It's hard enough looking after your own small kids without taking on someone else's. Glad it's sorted

Cornishclio · 05/06/2018 23:13

Maybe they should have planned the gap better between their 2 DC. My DD planned her second pregnancy so the first DC would get the 30 free hours before the youngest needed paid childcare. Their eldest will get the free hours when he is 3 or the term after his 3rd birthday.

dinosaurkisses · 05/06/2018 23:22

She might not try to get the extended family involved- if I was her I'd be very cautious about the other SIL hearing that someone else had decided the same arrangement that she had was so one sided.

SakuraBlossom · 06/06/2018 06:36

OP there is no need to feel bad about this at all. In fact, she has tried to take advantage of your nice personality.

You are not family so there is no need to feel pressurised by them. You have commented that they hard have anything to do with you and your DH. They don't even have your telephone no. That isn't family, that's an acquaintance. My in-laws have never treated me like family, therefore I feel no familial obligation to them.

I am so sick and tired of other people taking advantage of women who make sacrifices for their own family (whether that is staying home, working p/t or working all hours to earn a good wage) and then some CF coming along and saying "I'll take some of that".

Original poster
YullBeHappy · 06/06/2018 07:30

Sakura Thank you, I definitely agree with your post.

My SIL is a type of person who would feel too bad for them if she was responsible for them paying £2k a month (in childcare for full time), even though it's not really her concern at all. But there you have it, she would feel tremendous guilt.

I think MIL and SIL have a 'well we are all family so we'll all have to muck in' type approach.

I'm not too keen on 'mucking in' whenever I can. How about what I want for me and my own DC? How about our wants at the time? I feel a bit snotty writing that but it's true, myself and my own DC are entitled to do what's best for us as a small unit

OP posts:
Original poster
YullBeHappy · 06/06/2018 07:31

Oh and not to mention SIL has already said she really needs the money anyway Sad

OP posts:
Sweetpea55 · 06/06/2018 07:51

I agree with Sakura, Don't feel guilty because you cant help her out,
Your family is your priority,,You have a lot going on in your life at the moment and have no obligation to take on childcare for some cf who is vaguely linked to you.
Well done op..

Imchlibob · 06/06/2018 08:39

Definitely agree that you should continue to say no.

She is being such a CF paying your other SIL such a pittance for the 2.5 days she does. Effectively on those days they are dividing the tasks between them with one doing all the childcare and one going out to earn - so the money earned should therefore be divided equally between the two women - childcare being paid at c £60 per day assuming a fairly average salary.

You have no obligation to provide childcare at all but doing so for a pittance is just being a mug.

Motoko · 06/06/2018 09:00

I just don't understand the mindset of people like that. I'd have been horrified if I was visiting someone and my child spread grated cheese all over the floor, and the other spat food on the carpet, and would have apologised profusely while cleaning it all up.

And then expecting you to look after my children for a pittance, because, well, you're not doing anything else.

Hopefully this is the end of it.

bella2bella · 06/06/2018 13:33

Your text was good, polite and to the point and glad she responded nicely too!

niugboo · 06/06/2018 17:39

It is actually illegal. If any money is changing hands and you are looking after them of premises you have to be registered

BewareOfDragons · 06/06/2018 17:41

SIL and BIL should have thought about all that before THEY had another child.

Not your problem, not your problem, not your problem.

I wouldn't even waffle on the 'thinking about it' ... just tell her no, that doesn't work for us, if she dares to bring it up again. You are home for the benefit of YOUR child and YOUR family, not hers.

Rbutnut28 · 06/06/2018 17:45

I’d say don’t do it! If she pays you you would have to be registered so if you weren’t it would be ileagal. I currently have a 19 month old and said to my friend while she was going through a hard time I would take her now 9 year old to school and pick him up after, 4 days a week. I’ve been doing it over a year (don’t get paid) and can now see the impact it’s having on me and my own child but it’s the most difficult thing to stop doing! I’m ristricted to what I can go out and do with my son as I have to be back for the school run. But now I don’t want to say anything as it could still make things difficult for her. It’s a huge thing to ask someone and for you to take on. I’d put you and your child first and their appointments and maybe suggest a childminder for your SIL. They can be cheaper to help her too.

eddielizzard · 06/06/2018 17:47

you've got one mean sil and one generous one. if she can't be bothered with you apart from asking for favours, i'd not be bothering with her.

starlight13 · 06/06/2018 17:47

YANBU op. Why do people go back to work to scrap around to cover the cost of childcare.
She should stay at home and enjoy her children before they go to school - it's a lot cheaper than going back to work.

Tara12 · 06/06/2018 17:52

I don't understand the problem? Why would you suddenly want to become a childminder without choosing? ... but is your child is a model? Or is it a typo? Sorry, probably I'm thick. x

coulditbeforever · 06/06/2018 17:56

Absolutely don’t do it, if you’re having doubts now, you will soon realise your intuition was right, you will feel obliged once you’ve said yes and if you change your mind once you’ve you’ve started, it will cause more problems.

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