To not help SIL out with childcare?

[YullBeHappy]

So basically, after letting her DCs make the most ridiculous amount of mess known to man, BIL and DH followed our nephew 1 into the garden to play.

After asking her what my plans on returning to work after my maternity leave were, (I don't think I'll be going back but said I'm looking for something a bit closer to home, nearer the time I'm due back), she went on to tell me about the costs of having her two DCs in nursery.

She said "So we were wondering if you'd have DS1 for us two days a week?".... "Obviously I'd pay you, but I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

Me "I don't think so, my DC has modelling to do and I never know when I have to go to London. It's all very last minute and I don't think I could commit to that".

DH's SIL "Right, but does it have to be on those two days? Can't you arrange it for different days?"

Me "No, sadly it doesn't work like that"

DH's SIL "Oh right"....

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

So I quickly changed the subject and asked if she'd like some clothes I bought for DC when he's bigger but don't much like anymore.

Then DH came through with BIL and they left after about 5 minutes after that.

AIBU to not help SIL out with childcare?

DH's sister (not his SIL), works part time and has SIL's DSs two and a half days a week, along with looking after her DDs. They don't pay her much.

Not really relevant but just to give contexts.

I wouldn't mind but they don't talk to me otherwise really, unless I'm at SIL's (DH's sister). No contact apart from that. DH speaks to his brother about odd bits but they aren't 'chatty'

Definitely say no. Otherwise if you say yes, you will harbour resentment as it’s not something you want to do.
Once you say yes you’re committed and it’s so much harder to get out of.

I had 2 children within 18 months. I went back to work pt and just sucked up the Nursery fees as I don’t want to be a burden.

My brother keeps asking me to have my nieces. No way as it would mean me having to do 4 school runs a day (DS and niece in opposite Nursery classes, 1 goes am the other goes pm) while also having to ensure DD gets picked up and dropped off for full day school, while also having his baby daughter.

No way. I don’t want to be committed. I went pt to spend time and do things for my family, no one else’s. I know I sound selfish but my brother is far better off than I am so he’ll have to suck up the childcare costs like everyone else has to.

Sounds like the perfect chance to use Phoebe’s line :
“Oh, I wish I could...but I don’t want to”
If you wanted to be a childminder then you’d be one. You don’t. So you aren’t.

Hope it goes smoothly for you, but don’t start thinking it’s an obligation you need to take on.

Well, if everyone sides with her, they're free to help her out themselves.

Text sounded good. Hopefully she won’t mention it again. Do not feel guilty for saying no! Your time with LO is precious and having another child in the mix would change it.

You really shouldn't feel you have to look after her DC at all. It seems that it doesn't make sense for you - you have a very young baby, you have some health issues, modelling appointments, doc appointments. Don't feel bad! Better to just say no rather than have to let her down at short notice because you can't do it. She also sounds a little unreasonable just expecting you to do it - so not sure it would work out well anyway! Your DH seems onside with you anyway so all good :)

Well, if everyone sides with her, they're free to help her out themselves.

SIL already does the other 2.5 days a week and everyone else works full time. So they will almost certainly think I should chip in

That could well be you projecting. Also, they're much more likely to be thinking "Thank god I don't have to look after someone else's child for a pittance"

Remember all the attention that your little one would miss out on. For someone who doesn't really know you.

So you should pay less attention to your own child because they can't afford childcare??

Well, they can think what they like whilst they aren't in a position to help!

Flower I don't think she can, she's now in a management type position

I may have missed it, but is there any reason why her OH can't go part-time?

Where are all the men in these arrangements?

BIL works endless hours, he's self employed and cannot take part time work (his hours are also dependent on when customers need him, etc)

Cheeky manipulative cah At least your dh doesn't think you should do it so l wouldn't worry what the others think.

If you take your DC to do modelling, you are essentially working. I know it's the child who is actually doing the work, but as far as your DC is concerned, presumably they are mostly being dressed up & then playing; you are entirely facilitating it. So if they continue to complain about it, ask if they will reimburse you / your DC for the money you will be losing out on, by not being available to take them to their modelling jobs.

'So they will almost certainly think I should chip in sad'

That would be like water on a duck's back to me. Learn to be that way. It's none of their business and if they feel so strongly about it they can pay for her childcare because it's CF to expect anyone to provide it for free or cut price, especially as it sounds like the pair of them have decent jobs.

They're too tight with their own kid. CFers.

I think the £200 a month they pay your relative is all your CF SIL wants to pay, not what she can afford to pay.

So - her DC make a phenomenal mess (that she allows)
Are they vegetarian ( she provides the food but the other SIL has to get special sweeties) so you'd be preparing food and scouting out Veggie Haribo and Veggie Colin the Caterpiller

All for the princely sum of a % of what she gives her other SIL to earn yourself a bit of money.
While arranging your DC London trips and your own medical appointments .

I can't see why your not snapping her hand off there Yull

If one is two and a half it will get a whole lot better when they hit 3 and 30 hours kicks in. It saves us about £500 a month. They’ll cope, don’t give in, not even for 6 months...

Not. Your. Problem. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not looking after her kids for a pittance.

SIL already does the other 2.5 days a week and everyone else works full time. So they will almost certainly think I should chip in

It doesn't matter what they all think, it's none of their business, and you can't do it anyway. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into doing it.

Kids are expensive, who knew

Absolutely no way would i do this, you were right to say no

Everyone has to decide between spaffing a king’s ransom on childcare or taking a career hit when they’re tiny but it’s not for long and it’s the same for everyone

Are they one of those couples that are like The First People Ever To Become Parents Ever generally?

We had 2 children and we made sure we could afford childcare. No expectation that anyone would "chip in".
Not your child, not your responsibility.

Glad you've messaged the CF!

70is She let her older one spread grated cheese all over my cream rug and floors, and then proceeded to feed her youngest masses of green, thick pure and spilt it on the carpet All whilst giggling and say "oh no". She didn't even sort the stains out

And she doesn't provide the food. SIL provides that too. But she will provide last night's dinner on the odd occasion if it's something the eldest really liked

You couldn't pay me enough to look after other people's children, there are days I barely tolerate my own

I’m calling this.

I bet the CFSIL comes back with reasons why OP is being selfish, how she has a duty to do childcare for the kids because “she’s not nothing else to do”

@KitKatCHA

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