To not help SIL out with childcare?

[YullBeHappy]

So basically, after letting her DCs make the most ridiculous amount of mess known to man, BIL and DH followed our nephew 1 into the garden to play.

After asking her what my plans on returning to work after my maternity leave were, (I don't think I'll be going back but said I'm looking for something a bit closer to home, nearer the time I'm due back), she went on to tell me about the costs of having her two DCs in nursery.

She said "So we were wondering if you'd have DS1 for us two days a week?".... "Obviously I'd pay you, but I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

Me "I don't think so, my DC has modelling to do and I never know when I have to go to London. It's all very last minute and I don't think I could commit to that".

DH's SIL "Right, but does it have to be on those two days? Can't you arrange it for different days?"

Me "No, sadly it doesn't work like that"

DH's SIL "Oh right"....

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

So I quickly changed the subject and asked if she'd like some clothes I bought for DC when he's bigger but don't much like anymore.

Then DH came through with BIL and they left after about 5 minutes after that.

AIBU to not help SIL out with childcare?

DH's sister (not his SIL), works part time and has SIL's DSs two and a half days a week, along with looking after her DDs. They don't pay her much.

Not really relevant but just to give contexts.

I wouldn't mind but they don't talk to me otherwise really, unless I'm at SIL's (DH's sister). No contact apart from that. DH speaks to his brother about odd bits but they aren't 'chatty'

I would answer her, using DH's phone. That way you have been clear this is not an option and also she then doesn't have your number for 'emergencies'

Red 😭😭😭

I've always said to my DH that as a SAHM the day one of our family try to emotionally blackmail me into being a free babysitter for their DC is the day I go back to work.

You are a SAHM so you can look after YOUR DC, not be free childcare for others. I have never, ever looked after anyones DC for them over a holiday or any other reason. Mind you, I don't have other small DC in the family.

Your SIL is one cheeky fucker. She has your other SIL running round after her DC like freaking R2D2 and now she wants you to do the other half of the week.

My answer to her would have been Are you joking me? Err, no. I've got my own DC to look after thank you very much.

Quite frankly your SIL should have thought about her expenses before she had another child. I have 2 DC and do not have 3 as I wanted because I cannot afford it.

Seriously just firmly but politely say no. It annoys me when I hear things like this tbh! I'm a single mum working full time and yes childcare is so expensive (more than my rent) but I wouldn't dream of asking anyone to do this! I've asked for very occasional one offs but have either paid or reciprocated.
I don't understand why parents think it is anyone elses responsibility to look after their child. Unless its paid professionals clearly. Then to make you feel awkward about it is just awful!

I don't think it's unreasonable to say no. It would affect your time with your baby and your schedule. If they chose to have the children and are managing currently they should be fine to do so ongoing. If you sat yes and it doesn't work and then went to stop it, it may be hard for them to get their child back into nursery.

You should do what's best for you and your family

You got some good texts to send up thread. Copy one and send it to her. Clear but still friendly in tone. Don´t ignore - that is just setting yourself up for misunderstandings.

How does this sound? I don't want to ignore in case she thinks I'll say yes!

"Hi Belinda, I'm sorry but having Chesney won't work for us. Hopefully you get things sorted. Maybe a childminder? They seem to be cheaper than nursery"

D'you realise you've put a name in your last post, @YullBeHappy?

Just Yes, they're not the real names

Oh ok. Was just checking. That message is fine. Straight to the point.

Sounds good.

Sounds good.

That text was fine op
It’s straight to the point. A firm no
Just make sure your Dh is on board as she might ask him about in the hope it’ll pressure you to change your mind

I wouldn't say "I'm sorry" as you have nothing to apologise for but I know it's the polite and fine thing to say.

I would say "I've had a think about it and I can't look after chesney" then the rest of your message.

Done, not fine!

‘Hi belinda. Im sorry but having chesney wont work for us. Great seeing you all earlier!’

Dont even offer suggestions.

It really is a huge commitment and it could go pear shaped very quickly. What if their kids are sick? What if yours are? What if you have plans? What if you need some time alone with your kids or appointments to attend? No theres too much to go wrong with this.

^This completely

How does this sound?

Good but get DH to send it. As pp have said it's best that they don't have your number as they might contact you if they have (or claim to have) childcare emergencies.

No. Do not offer suggested alternatives or give her any lever to stick in the door. She's a CF and people like this need to be told 'NO' in no uncertain terms. 'Further to our talk the other day, DH and I have determined that we are unable to provide childcare to X. Good luck in finding the right support. Best, DH and Yull' The END!

I'd use either Nicknacky's or C0untDucku1a's response. Leave no wiggle room for misinterpreting and gives you the opportunity to say "As I mentioned in my earlier text, it just won't be possible. Best of luck with your search for a suitable childminder".

OP, just to echo what virtually everyone else has said (I particularly liked Temptress & Red’s variations on the theme), you are totally not obliged to look after DN, especially not on less than minimum wage. Their childcare arrangements are not your problem or fault. Don’t even offer emergency care, as it sounds like SIL will take advantage. Good luck & keep us posted!

Message sent! Hopefully no big deal and we can all move on

I think your first text sounds great. I’d be tempted to send it to the family group! That way everyone knows the deal but it kind of depends if they are likely to side with you or her.

Dry I'm fairly certain everyone will side with her, apart from my own DH of course

"I'm fairly certain everyone will side with her, apart from my own DH of course"

Well then they can all do cut price childcare for her...