To not help SIL out with childcare?

[YullBeHappy]

So basically, after letting her DCs make the most ridiculous amount of mess known to man, BIL and DH followed our nephew 1 into the garden to play.

After asking her what my plans on returning to work after my maternity leave were, (I don't think I'll be going back but said I'm looking for something a bit closer to home, nearer the time I'm due back), she went on to tell me about the costs of having her two DCs in nursery.

She said "So we were wondering if you'd have DS1 for us two days a week?".... "Obviously I'd pay you, but I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

Me "I don't think so, my DC has modelling to do and I never know when I have to go to London. It's all very last minute and I don't think I could commit to that".

DH's SIL "Right, but does it have to be on those two days? Can't you arrange it for different days?"

Me "No, sadly it doesn't work like that"

DH's SIL "Oh right"....

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

So I quickly changed the subject and asked if she'd like some clothes I bought for DC when he's bigger but don't much like anymore.

Then DH came through with BIL and they left after about 5 minutes after that.

AIBU to not help SIL out with childcare?

DH's sister (not his SIL), works part time and has SIL's DSs two and a half days a week, along with looking after her DDs. They don't pay her much.

Not really relevant but just to give contexts.

I wouldn't mind but they don't talk to me otherwise really, unless I'm at SIL's (DH's sister). No contact apart from that. DH speaks to his brother about odd bits but they aren't 'chatty'

Flower I don't think she can, she's now in a management type position

Hi SIL,
DH and I have discussed the idea properly now and I’m afraid it just doesn’t work for us. It’s too big a commitment for me I’m afraid and it wouldn’t be fair to DN’s for me to not be up to the job. Good luck in finding something more suitable.

Best,

OP

I realise this is kind of throwing yourself under the bus but it’s hard to argue with someone who is telling you they would be bad for their child! It’s what I would say anyway 😃

You could quote Phoebe from friends: "No I'm sorry, I can't, because... I don't want too."

YANBU. Can’t believe they asked considering you aren’t close! Did she not even offer a reciprocal arrangement?!

No way on earth would I look after someone else's child for £150 / month. If their nursery genuinely charges £2k a month then they should get a nanny. I pay my nanny that and get a clean house and all the laundry and cooking done too!

Also maternity leave / being a full time mum is about having quality time with YOUR child ! CF with bells on.

2k for 5 days childcare = £200 per day per child? Have I misread that?

Ah a month - I was thinking per week. Ignore me

Apple Doesn't saying DNephew is too big a commitment to have 2 days a week make me sound a bit mean?

And aren't I essentially telling her my parenting would be less than what it is if I did take him on?

I would call her tonight and say that you and DH have discussed it, and it isn’t possible for you to provide childcare for their son. Don’t offer to take him in an emergency, as every week will then be an emergency. (Obviously if a real emergency cropped up you might be able to help out!)

Hi SIL, I’ve had a good think about your suggestion that I look after your children when you go back to work. DH and I are agreed that there’s no way I can commit to that. I know it’s difficult trying to sort out childcare and hope you manage to work it out.

Won’t the 2.5 year old be entitled to 30 hours free childcare the term after they turn 3 (so potentially 1st Jan 2019). Therefore, SIL will only have a mega childcare bill until then.

No way on earth would I look after someone else's child for £150 / month. If their nursery genuinely charges £2k a month then they should get a nanny. I pay my nanny that and get a clean house and all the laundry and cooking done too!

Sorry, I misquoted. She said it would be 2k a month if they were in full time nursery, but because my SIL has them 2.5 days a week, it's £1K a month

"she's saying she got the bill for their 2.5 days at nursery last week and it's £2K for a child under 1 and a 2.5 year old."

That's entirely their problem/responsibility. Their options are earn more or work less and look after their kids. They don't get to pay way less for home-from-home care. Tell them it's just not an option. Whatever you choose to do after your maternity leave, you're not setting up as a childminder! Saying you don't want to is perfectly acceptable. Don't overthink the politeness thing, she clearly doesn't!

If you give a reason she will try to argue with you.
If you say no, but don’t give a reason, she can’t. Doesn’t have to be rude, a simple
‘SIL, I’ve had a think and no, I won’t be able I provide childcare for you. Hope you enjoyed BGT the other day, wasn’t Simon’s chest hair luscious?’ Smile, change the subject, and that’s it done!
It’s not your responsibility to sort out her issues.

I'd think twice, even if they were close, reciprocating and fair family members. The fact that they don't give you the time of day normally means that it would most definitely be a firm and resounding NO from me.

Yeah, I thought everyone knew full time nursery was £1k a month per child. It sounds like they couldn't afford 2 so close together and should have done some maths before she went back to work!

In six months time her eldest will qualify for free childcare! £150 is ridiculous for one, let alone £200 for two, but if she's willing then it's up to her if she accepts it!

'No is a complete sentence' really means you don't have to give reasons. You can dress it up how you want 'No, I wouldn't be able to do that.' 'No, thar doesn't work for me.' etc. but the point is to clearly say no and not give reasons that they can try to 'solve' for you so you can do the thing they want you to do.

And they are CFs paying £150/£200 for approx 8 day's childcare. That is so well below minimum wage. Would they expect you to pay for meals and snacks out of that too?

Be strong. Say no. This is not your problem. I know that women are conditioned to worry about appearing mean but now is the time to put yourself and your family's needs first.

If you pay someone to look after a child in your home no checks legally required, but how stupid would you be?
If you take child to their home they do have to be a registered child minder.
Obvs in practice family members care for each other's children all the time, cash may exchange hands informally.
Don't do it if it's not convenient.

It doesn’t make you sound mean OP it makes you sound incompetent and THAT is hard for her to argue with!

It’s not that you don’t want to do it, oh no, it’s that you are so useless at childcare you can’t do it.

😃. Or basically the strategy men have been using to get out of stuff for a millennia.

Look, you've seen what she's done to your other sister in law - she's ripped her off. Now she wants to rip you off. Don't let her. Her childcare is her responsibility - if she's found someone daft enough to do it for virtually nothing then that's fine for her, but don't go and match that yourself.

YANBU, their childcare is not your priority and it's neither mean or rude to say no but I would clarify that with asap so they don't get any ideas.