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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not help SIL out with childcare?

212 replies

YullBeHappy · 05/06/2018 17:09

So basically, after letting her DCs make the most ridiculous amount of mess known to man, BIL and DH followed our nephew 1 into the garden to play.

After asking her what my plans on returning to work after my maternity leave were, (I don't think I'll be going back but said I'm looking for something a bit closer to home, nearer the time I'm due back), she went on to tell me about the costs of having her two DCs in nursery.

She said "So we were wondering if you'd have DS1 for us two days a week?".... "Obviously I'd pay you, but I just don't see how we can afford things otherwise".

Me "I don't think so, my DC has modelling to do and I never know when I have to go to London. It's all very last minute and I don't think I could commit to that".

DH's SIL "Right, but does it have to be on those two days? Can't you arrange it for different days?"

Me "No, sadly it doesn't work like that"

DH's SIL "Oh right"....

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

So I quickly changed the subject and asked if she'd like some clothes I bought for DC when he's bigger but don't much like anymore.

Then DH came through with BIL and they left after about 5 minutes after that.

AIBU to not help SIL out with childcare?

DH's sister (not his SIL), works part time and has SIL's DSs two and a half days a week, along with looking after her DDs. They don't pay her much.

Not really relevant but just to give contexts.

I wouldn't mind but they don't talk to me otherwise really, unless I'm at SIL's (DH's sister). No contact apart from that. DH speaks to his brother about odd bits but they aren't 'chatty'

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 05/06/2018 17:59

Phone her to tell her you won't be doing it sooner rather than later. Don't have the awkward feeling hang over you. Her childcare arrangements are in no way your responsibility. She'll quickly move on to someone else.

RabbitsAreTasty · 05/06/2018 18:00

Hey yull I've worked out that if I want to go on holiday I will need to have more money. Could you do my cleaning, ironing and gardening please? I could pay professionals but you see if I do that then I won't have as much money. In fact my finances just don't work if you won't .

Come on, I know you do cleaning, ironing and gardening of your own anyway and you don't go out to work. Do mine. I'll bung you a couple of quid now and then.

I NEED this yull. Don't be a selfish meanie.

Original poster
YullBeHappy · 05/06/2018 18:03

And they are CFs paying £150/£200 for approx 8 day's childcare. That is so well below minimum wage. Would they expect you to pay for meals and snacks out of that too?

Sometimes she gives them stuff to go to SIL's wife but 9/10, they have the stuff their. SIL buys all their veggie meals and makes sure the sweets and snacks on offer are suitable for them too

OP posts:
Lunde · 05/06/2018 18:04

They are CF's and need to sort out their own childcare. You say that your health is not great so save yourself the stress.

£150 per month for 2½ days is total CFckery - it's around £13 per day* and a tiny fraction of minimum wage!

Gingertam · 05/06/2018 18:05

Please don't say yes, you will so regret it. Don't feel you have to give a long explanation as to why you can't, Just say you don't want to be tied like that. I can't believe she's got the cheek to ask.

Original poster
YullBeHappy · 05/06/2018 18:06

Lunde I know, I feel as if SIL has been taken advantage of. £200 a month to look after 2 children, half of the week and often more because of sleep overs, one of which being a baby and the other a toddler

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/06/2018 18:07

What Apple wrote but without the 'too big of a commitment'. Because she'll try to find a workround so you can still do her bidding. Just no. Do not agree to this at all.

Motoko · 05/06/2018 18:08

"Sorry, no, it's just not possible." That's all you have to say, and don't feel guilty!

You have 2 very good reasons not to, with your health and your child's modelling, but even if you didn't have those stopping you, you shouldn't feel obligated to do it, especially as they don't have much to do with you.

Looking after another person's child is a big commitment, and not something you should go into without giving it serious consideration. Also, it's been the law since at least the 80s (when I started childminding) that if you're being paid for childcare, you need to be a registered childminder, regardless of whether the payment is by childcare vouchers or tax credit.

Original poster
YullBeHappy · 05/06/2018 18:10

The ironic thing is, I don't even have her number. Or BIL's! Nor do they have mine.

I will either get it off of DH to send the text or will have to find it from the family group chat (think there's a way you can find it)

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 05/06/2018 18:10

Not your problem at all.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/06/2018 18:11

No way.

cadburyegg · 05/06/2018 18:13

£1k a month would be unaffordable for us too. That’s why we waited until our eldest qualified for the funded hours before having another. Almost everyone I know has a similar age gap for that reason! Perhaps they should have done the same

DrWhy · 05/06/2018 18:13

‘No, I’m sorry, we’ve discussed it and won’t be able to make it work. Have you looked into a childminder, they might be cheaper than nursery?’ - helpful problem solving whilst reminding them that you are not a childminder...! Wink

Hissy · 05/06/2018 18:15

Me "I'll have a good think and get back to you. But I'm really not sure if it's doable for me"

Why on earth did you say this?

You’d said no. Just leave it there! Nobody is queuing up to give you days of childcare for buttons, why would their problem be your problem?

Hissy · 05/06/2018 18:16

Don’t bother with the text, just leave it where it was. She shouldn’t ask again, but if she does (seeing as she only speaks to you when she wants something) just say no then.

Original poster
YullBeHappy · 05/06/2018 18:17

cadburry they had fertility issues with their first so they decided not to use anything after that in case they couldn't have any more thereafter if they waited the ideal time

That's what they've us all

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 05/06/2018 18:19

Even better reply no politely on the family group chat then she’ll have a tougher time trying to manipulate others into guilt tripping you.

RabbitsAreTasty · 05/06/2018 18:20

Don't get the number. Don't do anything. It isn't your problem.

You said no. You then said oh we will think about it. Every British person knows that means It's still a No but you have to shut up about it now

If she's brazen enough to ask again just act surprised and say "Oh, that, no, like I said before, we can't do that for you."

All whiney responses trying to make it your problem or get you involved with finding a solution can be met with a variant of "Oh dear, that is a shame" or "I'm sure you'll work something out." or "Oh dear, what are you going to do about that."

In the face of cheeky fuckery do not offer to help find alternatives, make suggestions of what she could do etc. Stay completely out of solutions. Sympathetic noises only.

Returnofthesmileybar · 05/06/2018 18:20

Knock this on the head now! You were too vague, just text her and say

"Hi Sil, I've had a think childcare is just not for me, for anyone other than my own. Good luck with finding someone"

If she pushes then "I just don't want to" is as good a reason as any

Fruitcorner123 · 05/06/2018 18:21

Flower I don't think she can, she's now in a management type position

please stop worrying about how they will cope if you say no It's not your problem at all. He could go part time or they could get different jobs or most likely they will just reduce their outgoings and cope like people have to. If they really couldn't afford a second child then they should have considered their options earlier than this. This is how I would reply

"I am sorry but I have considered it and won't be able to look after your DCs as I want to spend my time with my DC that I have. I am sorry that childcare is costing you so much. The childcare costs are one of the reasons I am not going back full time because we coudn'nt have afforded it either. I hope you manage to get something sorted."

Iluvthe80s · 05/06/2018 18:22

Just say absolutely not. she needs to sort her own childcare

Fruitcorner123 · 05/06/2018 18:22

*"that I have" not needed!!

butlerswharf · 05/06/2018 18:23

You're definitely not being unreasonable!

Motoko · 05/06/2018 18:24

If you don't have their number, and they don't have yours, then leave it. Don't ask anyone for it!

Wait to see if they get your number and come back to you. With a bit of luck, her asking was just speculative and as you'd said no straight away, they won't pursue it. But if they get your number and do ask again, you can just say no again.

DON'T CONTACT THEM!

fruitbrewhaha · 05/06/2018 18:30

You already told her you would look for another job nearer home, so just say you need to keep your options open.

Or tell her you've heard she only pay £200 a month and it's not worth the bother.

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