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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has invited MIL to come on our holiday!!

212 replies

MeMeMeow85 · 30/05/2018 23:18

For some reason DH decided to invite his mother to come on our holiday to Disneyworld next year!! I’m really annoyed!

He just announced “Great, mum’s said she’ll come with us to Orlando” as if that’s a really wonderful thing!!!! Apparently it’s such a good idea, as she will “be a great help with the DC” 🙄

DC1 will be 4 and DC2 will be 18 months. In no way will MIL want to be the designated babysitter, as she will see the trip as her holiday too...yet we would have to pay for everything, as she’s retired and doesn’t have much in the way of savings.

I really don’t want to pay for a second hotel room at Disney or change our plans to somewhere less expensive! I also want it to be special time for our little family without having to take another person’s wishes into account every day...

DH is an only child and she’s been on her own for over 30 years, so I know he wants to be inclusive, but she needs entertaining, she won’t do anything by herself to give us some space and I’m the one who will end up engaging with her the whole time (when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden). I have to listen to her witter away about nonsense all evening when I really just want to be quiet and zone out after the little ones are asleep. Also, she complains a lot about a lot of inane things and has strong opinions about subjects she doesn’t know much about!!

Am I being unreasonable to insist that he backtracks somehow on the invite??

I should add that she’s kind and thoughtful and DC1 adores her... she would be really upset if she knew she was unwelcome. Maybe we should cancel the holiday and wait till the following year (2020) when she might forget the invite and we can go just the 4 of us??!

OP posts:
GiBlues · 30/05/2018 23:21

I have done a holiday with MIL and to be honest it ruined our ok relationship.
Please please please do what I should have done, put your foot down and nip it in the bud now.
It will not be a holiday you enjoy at all.

RoseRuby26 · 30/05/2018 23:25

I say YANBU. He needs to uninvite!

Fruitcorner123 · 30/05/2018 23:25

I sould be furious. I alao think it's a bit of a waste taking an 18 month old. I would agree with you, cancel Disney and go somewhere else next year for a shorter holiday that she can come along to.( you can always have another week away just the four of you at another point in the year) Arrange Disney for in a few years when the kids will remember it and make sure DH knows you want it to be the 4 of you only.

an 18 month old on a long haul flight with no seat sounds like helll to me!

Frazzled2207 · 30/05/2018 23:26

Yanbu. Put your foot down definitely. Could you perhaps organise a low key weekend away that you could invite her on, to soften the blow a bit?

Wintry · 30/05/2018 23:27

YABU

How selfish can you get? The woman deserves a holiday as much as you.

SezziBaybee · 30/05/2018 23:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

WhiteFreesias · 30/05/2018 23:29

Yanbu

Go to Disneyland Paris for the weekend. Tell your DH to engage more with his parent.

celtiethree · 30/05/2018 23:30

TBH arrange for when your younger child will be older. It’s even a bit of a waste at 4 as well, it’s better when they are tall enough to do more of the rides.

HomeisbytheBay · 30/05/2018 23:30

@Wintry... OP isn't saying MIL can't go on holiday. She doesn't want MIL intruding on their holiday, let alone pay for it!

YANBU but you need to grow a pair and tell your DH he needs to tell his mum no or you'll have to.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 30/05/2018 23:30

YANBU 're MIL being invited without prior discussion. YABU spending so much taking such young kids to Disney. You'd honestly be better doing LEGOLAND.

GreenTulips · 30/05/2018 23:30

Yep he's been extremely rude

Why do you put up with it? Can't you tell him to entertain his mother whilst visiting or stop the visits when he's at work? It's really not your job.

travailtotravel · 30/05/2018 23:30

She goes or you go. The choice is one of you not both of you.

Alternatively tell him you've invited your mum too and see how he reacts to that.

PoptartPoptart · 30/05/2018 23:31

How dare he invite his mother (or anyone else for that matter) along on a family holiday without consulting with you first.
That is not on at all.
If you don’t want her to come OP then you need to stand your ground and tell him.
It’s his problem how he decides to uninvite her.
Honestly, I am seething on your behalf!

winnieofwhitby · 30/05/2018 23:32

I'm not a fan of holidays with extended family but if you're going to have that type of holiday Orlando is a good choice.

There is no need for you to pay for an extra room though, surely that's for mil to pay for. How about having a villa for a week and then a week at a hotel, will keep the costs down and give you all some privacy?

BewareOfDragons · 30/05/2018 23:32

Your DH was completely out of order inviting his mother to come on your trip without discussing it with you first and without your agreement.

I would make it clear that he has to tell her she isn't invited.

And you are not being unreasonable. She might deserve a holiday, according to another poster, but that doesn't mean it should be on your holiday which you are also paying for! If she wants a holiday, she should go on a holiday of her own.

Maelstrop · 30/05/2018 23:32

Make him dis-invite her. Fuck, I’d go nuts if my dh did this!

After a lengthy hospital stay, just as I was getting back on my feet, the DH decided to invite his dm, who I love, to stay. She stayed for 2 weeks. I nearly cried. I just wanted to carry on my rehabilitation and not have someone else there and have to look after her as DH buggered off to work.

He then had the cheek-when I mentioned it was hard going-that he’d had a hard time while I was off my feet!

LilMadAgain · 30/05/2018 23:33

It really might not be that bad op, I absolutely loved having my lovely MIL on holiday with us and we don't always agree on things. Yes there were days when we wanted to do something really child oriented that wasn't her style so she went and did something else. You should really properly think about this situation before you act.

LoopyLou1981 · 30/05/2018 23:34

I’d jump at that chance but tbf my pils love their grandkids (and I love them) and would give us some respite. If she wouldn’t then no...definitely put your foot down x

notacooldad · 30/05/2018 23:34

Alternatively tell him you've invited your mum too and see how he reacts to that
That could backfire if he says ok!

GreenTulips · 30/05/2018 23:36

You should really properly think about this situation before you act

She has, and doesn't want to.

Takfujuimoto · 30/05/2018 23:37

Why does your DH think he can just decide this without your input?

My DH wouldn't even entertain the idea of inviting someone, even my lovely MIL, whom I adore btw without talking about it in-depth we me.

You are not his fucking staff, he doesn't get to do things like this and present it as a fait accompli.

Wtf was he thinking?

Blinkingblimey · 30/05/2018 23:38

Oh op, been there, done that etc & mumsnet was actually v kind when I posted needing some support after the event....... my dh assured me his mother would help, would just get on with it etc but when it came down to it she required more attention than the kids. She is lovely but not on holiday with young kids when you want to hit the ground running. Let your dh know (gently) you’re not averse to going on holiday with her but that this is not the appropriate destination.

Murane · 30/05/2018 23:41

I can understand why your DH might have thought it would be nice for his DM to see the kids faces at Disneyworld, and why he thought taking his mum might give you some time as a couple if she babysits. And I can also understand why you want it to be a special time just for the four of you, and how it's not worth taking her if she's going to be a hassle and an expense and not even babysit. Your DH probably had good intentions but didn't really think it through.

In your shoes I'd cancel the holiday and reschedule later. Your DC are so young they won't even remember going to Disneyworld. Personally I'd wait another 3-4 years until they're old enough to actually remember having been there.

HomeisbytheBay · 30/05/2018 23:41

Forgot to ask, how did the conversation go between you and DH? What did he say? How did you reply? What did he say back?

I couldn't imagine my DP doing this and my reaction to just be "oh I see" and the moan about it on MN. I would react there and then and demand he phone his mum back immediately.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2018 23:45

He's getting to look all generous and caring while delegating the 'work' to you. Just no.

If he wants to invite his mum all the time, they need to hang out.

I have this with FIL and DH has received the memo now. You invite? You entertain. Of course I do too, but not instead of DH.

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