DH has invited MIL to come on our holiday!!

[MeMeMeow85]

For some reason DH decided to invite his mother to come on our holiday to Disneyworld next year!! I’m really annoyed!

He just announced “Great, mum’s said she’ll come with us to Orlando” as if that’s a really wonderful thing!!!! Apparently it’s such a good idea, as she will “be a great help with the DC” 🙄

DC1 will be 4 and DC2 will be 18 months. In no way will MIL want to be the designated babysitter, as she will see the trip as her holiday too...yet we would have to pay for everything, as she’s retired and doesn’t have much in the way of savings.

I really don’t want to pay for a second hotel room at Disney or change our plans to somewhere less expensive! I also want it to be special time for our little family without having to take another person’s wishes into account every day...

DH is an only child and she’s been on her own for over 30 years, so I know he wants to be inclusive, but she needs entertaining, she won’t do anything by herself to give us some space and I’m the one who will end up engaging with her the whole time (when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden). I have to listen to her witter away about nonsense all evening when I really just want to be quiet and zone out after the little ones are asleep. Also, she complains a lot about a lot of inane things and has strong opinions about subjects she doesn’t know much about!!

Am I being unreasonable to insist that he backtracks somehow on the invite??

I should add that she’s kind and thoughtful and DC1 adores her... she would be really upset if she knew she was unwelcome. Maybe we should cancel the holiday and wait till the following year (2020) when she might forget the invite and we can go just the 4 of us??!

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to not want the MIL along on the holiday, and the MIL is not being unreasonable to want to go. The OP's husband is the one being unreasonable here. He has gone and invited his mother without consulting his wife. I would have been fucked off too.

@AlmostAJillSandwich

All these suck it up posts, have you ever actually had a difficult person tag on your holiday! It's not fun or relaxing, you know the person, what they're like and if you know they're going to be rude, demanding etc, then why just waste your money on a holiday you already know you won't enjoy?

Agree with this. They are fucking me right off!

And all the pious posters coming out with 'I am so glad I don't have a demon DIL, and mine is lovely and tolerant and inclusive' can bore right off. How dare you condemn other women like this when you know nothing of their relationship with the MIL, or anything about their lives. Plus, I am willing to bet your DILs don't like you as much as you are making out - not with your snarky, pious attitudes.

The husband is at fault here, and it sounds like he doesn't bother much with his mother anyway, and will most likely leave all the entertaining (of his mother) to his wife (the OP.) Most men do this, leave all the 'wifework' and dealing with the kids and in-laws to the wife. Don't even TRY to deny it! I agree with @L0UISA that the OP doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a DH problem; he sounds like a selfish, thoughtless git who puts himself before anyone.

@MeMeMeow85 you need to tell your DH that if he insists on his mother coming along, he will be going without you. Then you can have a lovely week on your own, and let HIM do all the donkeywork/wifework that he is expecting YOU to do.

I have to echo what some posters are saying that your kids are too young for a trip to Disneyworld. I have been with children several times, and any child under 5 y.o. struggled. It's not a little trip to see Santa, it's a full Disney experience; it's very hectic, it's very noisy, it's hot, it's crowded, there is a lot of standing in queues, and it's too much for infants and toddlers.

Plus, there are LOADS of things your kids won't be able to go on (or enter) because they will be too young and small. You must be batshit to take an 18 month old on holiday to Disneyworld. I would cancel the whole thing.

I think it's sweet he asked her. I don't get all this nonsense of family being ditched the moment a wife comes along

What a load of utter rot.

@Greatduckcookery

Incidentally, I do think Disneyland works best if there are more adults than children.

With another adult at least the OP and her DH can go on rides together too while grandma watches the kids.

So basically, it's not a holiday for the parents and kids then. It's just a holiday for the parents. The OP and her husband may as well go to Disneyworld on their own and leave their kids with the MIL back in the UK.

@hmcAsWas

I don't think its weird not to want to go on holiday with your PIL even if you have a good relationship with them. Equally I don't think its weird for PIL to join their dc and their partners and children if all parties are happy with it. However it is weird of your dh to unilaterally decide something like this without discussing it with you first. Does he have form for being inconsiderate and ignoring your opinions? I would be furious.

I agree with other posters - salvage the situation by deferring the Disney holiday for a couple of years so that you can withdraw the offer without actually withdrawing the offer.

Best post on here. The OP needs to cancel the holiday now, and arrange something in the UK that her MIL can come to as well, and re-arrange Disney in around 4-5 years, and have it out with DH for asking his mother without consulting her.

For all of you that agreed with the OP, just remember one day you will be a MIL too. Life is a circle and when it comes round to each of us it can be a real bitch

You sound like a controlling and bossy MIL. Bore off.

My son and his d p are going to d l f and my husband myself will be going when youngest of my 4 boys will be 8 yrs old. There is no way we would want to go when they go and there's no way they will be going when we will be going. The fact is though my eldest is 27 in his own house with a d p getting married next March, we alway end up paying when he's around. I would want all money and attention to go on my d d and d s s age 10,9,7and 5 yrs old. Put your foot down and say this is your time and no one from your family or his is allowed.

Does MiL even genuinely want to go, or did she accept out of politeness/ loyalty to her son/ not really understanding what the trip is? (Jaundiced view here - I’ rather eat my own ears than do anything Disney, and I’ only in my 40s.)

Oh, and it is entirely reasonable to question the point/ wisdom of doing such an expensive and involved trip with very young kids. I was at a beach in London the other day with DD. She chummed up with a boy of 5 and they had a whale of a time. Boy’s DPs remarked ruefully that they had plenty of really good beaches where they lived. They also remarked ruefully that they’d paid ££ for him to go to an attraction based on a cartoon character he loved - only for him to run out scared and crying within moments. (As they’d travelled 200 miles by budget coach to London, this presumably wasn’t small change to them.) And that’s a trip orders different in cost /commitment than Disneyland.

I already am a MIL and I can't think of anything worse than going on holiday with small children. I've done my time doing that, thank you! I adore my grandsons but have no intention of repeating the parenting experience with someone else's kids!

And my DIL is a darling, but I'd kill my son if he inflicted us on each other for a holiday to somewhere neither of us could escape!

go to Disneyland Paris - it is genuinely the same. I have been to all 3 (Florida, Paris & California) and was very impressed what a good job they have done at Paris

I agree. Of course Orlando benefits from having so much more to do than Disney land but I much preferred Paris to the Orlando Disney and the ages of the OP children make this a better option IMO

" I'd be mortified if one of my sons invited me on his family holiday without asking his partner, and I'd tell him not to be so ridiculous"
So would I. But it wouldn't cross my mind that he hadn't asked her first. Would you serkiously say to your son "That sounds lovely- have you asked dil if it's OK?"

Ffs, the whole point of this is that dh made a huge, family decision without consulting his dw first. Not whether she is dil from hell, or mean, or whether the kids are too young, or if mil is evil incarnate. HE DIDNT FUCKING ASK HER!
And for that, op no, you're definitely not Bu. You tell him, he sorts it.

So would I. But it wouldn't cross my mind that he hadn't asked her first. Would you serkiously say to your son "That sounds lovely- have you asked dil if it's OK?"

I think what I personally would say is "thanks but I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than go to Disneyland with your toddlers" but yes, I would check that it had been properly discussed beforehand.

"Ffs, the whole point of this is that dh made a huge, family decision without consulting his dw first"

Yep-I think everyone gets that. And are trying to suggest ways out of it without anyone getting upset. Have you any suggestions?

"I would check that it had been properly discussed beforehand"

And that wouldn't be infantilising and patronising your son a bit!

No it wouldn't in the slightest, and its really weird of you to say so.

Well someone's going to be upset at this point. But I think it's up to dh to sort it as its his mess. Me, I'd be saying "look mil, we've rethought and its going to be too expensive/too hot/wasted on the kids-lets go somewhere else.(less significant)"
And actually most people weren't coming up with a solution, they were just arguing the same points over and over.

*"I would check that it had been properly discussed beforehand"

And that wouldn't be infantilising and patronising your son a bit!*
And in this case it wasn't discussed ,

Get a smaller few days away in the UK and invite her?

Maybe 2 years the

Sorry submitted too soon. In 2 years when youngest can get something out of it too.

I think it's disrespectful to do this without asking you first, but it shows how he regards you.

Neither me ory DH would ask anyone else on our family holiday without consultation with the other.

I find this can happen when you aren't earning, leaving you with little say.

Personally...if my H did this. He'd be going on the holiday with his mum and the kids without me.

Either that, or he finds a nice way to retract the invite.

@BertrandRussell

Oh Gawd, that does my head in!!!!!!!! why is it 'infantilising' the OP's DH, for his mother to ask if he has discussed it with his wife first, for her to go on holiday with them?!

It's INFANSTALISING the OP- (his WIFE) by making major life decisions that impact on her greatly, and not informing her. He is treating HER like a child.

FGS, it's not treating someone like a child or a baby, to expec them to be considerate and think of how their decisions affect other people!

"No it wouldn't in the slightest, and its really weird of you to say so."

So does this apply to everything? Your friend Peter invites you to stay the weekend "Oh, I'd love to-have you discussed it with Jane?"

I know it's not what you asked but I agree with waiting until they are older. At 4 your little one wont be old enough to go on most of the rides and it is very humid and tiring. I first went when I was 7 and can just about remember it. It's such an expensive holiday you want to make memories xx

Yes, of course it is utterly absurd for the man to have invited anyone on holiday without discussing it and I would be incandescent if dp did this to me. But it is also absurd to expect the mil to have checked whether her dil was on board before accepting the invitation. Why on earth would you do that?

But she’s not unkind to her MIL, Bert3400
She has her to stay once a month, etc. She just doesn’t want to go to Disney with her. A holiday to Disney with flights, hotel for an extra person, that will cost a lot of money and will be pretty stressful even without a MIL thrown in the mix, let alone with!

Oh, and it’s spelt ‘bitch’.

I would be furious too. Not because my DM wouldn't be useful, but that DH didn't ask me first. That's your problem.

I'd postpone the trip for at least a couple of years. 4 and 18 months is far too young for Disneyworld anyway.

I’m the one who will end up engaging with her the whole time (when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden). I have to listen to her witter away about nonsense all evening

Why have you allowed this to happen? Do you think you could have your dad over and bugger off....leaving your DH to entertain him?

The problem is the tone you've set so far in your marriage.

Once you noticed this happening you should have said something.

I wonder though...when this happens (not just in your case) does the mother not notice her own son cant be bothered with her and leaves his wife to it? This isn't the first time I've heard it.

My BIL is the same. He wants to disappear when his DM visits...leaving Dsis to entertain her.

The simple reason is he doesnt have a anything to say to her, but Dsis makes the effort.

Gosh, I always check if my ds1 has checked things with his fiance first, it's manners and FA to do with infantilising a grown man with a home and life of his own