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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has invited MIL to come on our holiday!!

212 replies

MeMeMeow85 · 30/05/2018 23:18

For some reason DH decided to invite his mother to come on our holiday to Disneyworld next year!! I’m really annoyed!

He just announced “Great, mum’s said she’ll come with us to Orlando” as if that’s a really wonderful thing!!!! Apparently it’s such a good idea, as she will “be a great help with the DC” 🙄

DC1 will be 4 and DC2 will be 18 months. In no way will MIL want to be the designated babysitter, as she will see the trip as her holiday too...yet we would have to pay for everything, as she’s retired and doesn’t have much in the way of savings.

I really don’t want to pay for a second hotel room at Disney or change our plans to somewhere less expensive! I also want it to be special time for our little family without having to take another person’s wishes into account every day...

DH is an only child and she’s been on her own for over 30 years, so I know he wants to be inclusive, but she needs entertaining, she won’t do anything by herself to give us some space and I’m the one who will end up engaging with her the whole time (when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden). I have to listen to her witter away about nonsense all evening when I really just want to be quiet and zone out after the little ones are asleep. Also, she complains a lot about a lot of inane things and has strong opinions about subjects she doesn’t know much about!!

Am I being unreasonable to insist that he backtracks somehow on the invite??

I should add that she’s kind and thoughtful and DC1 adores her... she would be really upset if she knew she was unwelcome. Maybe we should cancel the holiday and wait till the following year (2020) when she might forget the invite and we can go just the 4 of us??!

OP posts:
Eggzandbacon · 31/05/2018 09:39

How is she with walking as Disneyworld is a lot of walking in the heat.
One thing you will notice is there are not many places to sit in the parks,
You need to go inside restaurants to find seating quite often. It was an issue my friends parent found.

I think it’s fine to go with DC of that age IF you can afford to go again. We went when DC was fairly small and when we went back again it was much easier as she got very very tired the first time.

HonkyWonkWoman · 31/05/2018 09:40

There are so many thoughtless MILs around
What?
I've been invited with my Ds and Dd and family's ever since they had children.
I don't ask to go, they ask me!
I babysit in the evenings and help out during the day.

I love it as I love being with my Dgc.
I also look after my Dgc while they go on short Romantic breaks!
We're a family, imo that's what families are about. We love each other!
Is that such a weird concept these days?
This year we're all going away to Turkey, Dd and Dsil, Ds and Ddil and all Dgc, 10 of us.
Brilliant........

Eggzandbacon · 31/05/2018 09:44

BTW DH was always suggesting MIL came on holiday with us. That was a resounding NO!
He thought she would ‘help out’ when in fact she would want waiting on hand and foot and every moment to be organised around her wants and needs, regardless if it was anyone else’s holidays including DC.

DarlingNikita · 31/05/2018 09:47

(when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden)

That speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Why on earth did he unilaterally invite her? I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to uninvite her. Muppet.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 31/05/2018 09:51

I think it's sweet he asked her. I don't get all this nonsense of family being ditched the moment a wife comes along.

At eighteen months it's all about the parents not the child as they will have no idea of the destination or remember it.

Presumably you expect to be ditched by your own chid as soon as he finds a partner?

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 09:53

I think people were suggesting alternative holidays partly as a way round an incredibly awkward situation. But also genuinely thinking that 4 and 2 is too young for Disneyland if it's a once in a lifetime trip. Different if you can go often.

Incidentally, I do think Disneyland works best if there are more adults than children. That way if anyone gets tired or overwhelmed you can divide your forces. Has to be the right person, though!!!!!!! The best trip we had included my 19 year old nephew who was a fantastically enthusiastic and energetic "uncle" to our smallish children and allowed dp and me to go on the rides we wanted to go on together. And to have some meals out. It was lovely.

DarlingNikita · 31/05/2018 09:53

It's not about 'ditching' Hmm. It's not weird to want a holiday with just your partner and children.

L0UISA · 31/05/2018 09:56

I can’t believe that no one has said this yet but

You don’t have a MIL problem you have a Dh problem. He’s very disrespectful to you. He invites other people on holiday with you without consultation and when he invites guests to your home he expects you to entertain them.

Do what everyone else says about the WDW holiday.

Start going out when you MIl comes over. Not all day of course, just pop out to the shops or make a hairdressers appointment. If your DH gets more quality time with his mother every month it will benefit both of them. And perhaps he won’t feel so guilty about her not coming on holiday with you.

I’d also suggest that he takes his mother and the kids away on a weekend here in the UK. You can go to visit a school friend or to someone’s 40th birthday. That will give him an idea of how it would work for 2 weeks.

If he’s not keen on that, you will know how much of the work he is actually prepared to do on holiday. And how much it’s his desire for him to look good at your expense.

PuddingBawl · 31/05/2018 09:57

Umm - it should have been prediscussed - and it obviously depends on relationships - but we took MIL to Disneyland - and it was awesome. She waited with the kids while me & DH did the big coasters, babysat while we went out for drinks in the evening, hosted several sleepovers in her hotel rooms and was an extra pair of hands in general. And utterly loved it - she was more excited than the kids.

Racecardriver · 31/05/2018 09:58

Your DH Reay should have asked you first but too late now. I don't think that it would be ki D to make him uninvite her. But make it clear that you will not be entertaining her.

Teateaandmoretea · 31/05/2018 10:04

I think the complexity is in not even being able to tell her. My DF is widowed and he comes with us sometimes ..... but if I asked him and DH wanted to go without him he'd just be like 'ah okay, np I understand'. Maybe that's why he's a reasonable person to take, he'll also quite happily potter round on his own for a day and actually plans some solo trips to give us space.

I think tell her you'd rather just go the 4 of you and if she kicks off I wouldn't even take her to the Isle of Wight tbh.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 31/05/2018 10:05

I agree that it totally depends on your relative being on the same page as everyone else. Shared holidays are all about having the same expectations. For some families this is totally fine and in fact very enjoyable, for others it doesn't work.

We did Disneyland Paris with my extended family, we all had the same expectations. No-one was expected to look after our DD but mum offered, we sometimes ate together with extended family, sometimes didn't. Everyone was happy with this, we had shared time and our own time. We would do this again. Strangely, I'd say that DH and I have less in common with my parents and family.

Unfortunately a shared holiday with DH's extended family didn't have the same shared expectations and it didn't go as well. We get on very well with everyone generally, but living together for a week was hard, we wouldn't repeat without some more in depth discussions. I'd say we have more in common with DH's family but we just didn't share the same expectations (MIL wanted everyone together all the time, every day, in the cottage. We like to go out, explore, and spend time with all/some/just us)

PlatypusPie · 31/05/2018 10:06

Either he made the offer spontaneously, without thinking about how it would really work, or he thought it would be a lovely idea from his point of view and wanted his mother along to share in a family experience, but sort of knew the OP would veto it if he asked.

He was clumsy, but equally I don’t think the OP is taking into account his wishes either. It’s not as if he asked his mother along on a romantic break :/ Disinviting her now would be very hurtful and a difficult move to come back from.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 31/05/2018 10:07

Personally, I'd change the holiday destination. If you're going to have a tricky holiday I'd rather not spend thousands on a Florida destination! If it works well, then plan together for the Disneyland holiday.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/05/2018 10:09

Incidentally, I do think Disneyland works best if there are more adults than children

I agree. With another adult at least the OP and her DH can go on rides together too while grandma watches the kids.

PenelopeFlintstone · 31/05/2018 10:10

I think it's sweet he asked her. I don't get all this nonsense of family being ditched the moment a wife comes along. I agree.

southeastlondonmum · 31/05/2018 10:10

It's insane amount of money Disney world especially staying on site. I know because we are going this October for my significant birthday. My kids will be 6 and 8 and very tall and I still think it's a bit early. There is no way that we could stretch to another adult, it's expensive enough as it is. Also my inlaws do not like a structured holiday and recoiled in horror that I had already planned the days and made dining reservations this is the insane system. No no no

Lethaldrizzle · 31/05/2018 10:16

Look at the pros. You can leave dh snd mil to bond over childcare whilst you drink cocktails

montenotte · 31/05/2018 10:24

You are nuts going to Orlando with an 18 month old. Even a 4 year old. It'll take about 5 days to get over the flight and jetlag.

To see their faces seeing Mickey and co for the first time go to Disneyland Paris - it is genuinely the same. I have been to all 3 (Florida, Paris & California) and was very impressed what a good job they have done at Paris.

Emmasmum2013 · 31/05/2018 10:32

go to Disneyland Paris - it is genuinely the same. I have been to all 3 (Florida, Paris & California) and was very impressed what a good job they have done at Paris.

I disagree, I think Disneyland Paris is hell on Earth.

hmcAsWas · 31/05/2018 10:37

I don't think its weird not to want to go on holiday with your PIL even if you have a good relationship with them. Equally I don't think its weird for PIL to join their dc and their partners and children if all parties are happy with it. However it is weird of your dh to unilaterally decide something like this without discussing it with you first. Does he have form for being inconsiderate and ignoring your opinions? I would be furious

I agree with other posters - salvage the situation by deferring the Disney holiday for a couple of years so that you can withdraw the offer without actually withdrawing the offer.

Also have it out with your dh and set some ground rules

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 10:38

"However it is weird of your dh to unilaterally decide something like this without discussing it with you first"
Yep. This.

emmyrose2000 · 31/05/2018 10:45

go to Disneyland Paris - it is genuinely the same. I have been to all 3 (Florida, Paris & California) and was very impressed what a good job they have done at Paris

I've been to all the Disney parks in the world, except Shanghai, and DLP doesn't come anywhere close to being like WDW. The two aren't remotely comparable.

MiggeldyHiggins · 31/05/2018 10:46

For all of you that agreed with the OP, just remember one day you will be a MIL too. Life is a circle and when it comes round to each of us it can be a real bitch

Damn straight I will and I'd be mortified if one of my sons invited me on his family holiday without asking his partner, and I'd tell him not to be so ridiculous.

buffyp · 31/05/2018 10:50

That’s your opinion Emmy but I know plenty of people who prefer DLP to Disney World as they find Disney World too big and brash and spread out. The two aren’t meant to be compared as like for like. Anyway that’s a argument for another thread.