Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH has invited MIL to come on our holiday!!

212 replies

MeMeMeow85 · 30/05/2018 23:18

For some reason DH decided to invite his mother to come on our holiday to Disneyworld next year!! I’m really annoyed!

He just announced “Great, mum’s said she’ll come with us to Orlando” as if that’s a really wonderful thing!!!! Apparently it’s such a good idea, as she will “be a great help with the DC” 🙄

DC1 will be 4 and DC2 will be 18 months. In no way will MIL want to be the designated babysitter, as she will see the trip as her holiday too...yet we would have to pay for everything, as she’s retired and doesn’t have much in the way of savings.

I really don’t want to pay for a second hotel room at Disney or change our plans to somewhere less expensive! I also want it to be special time for our little family without having to take another person’s wishes into account every day...

DH is an only child and she’s been on her own for over 30 years, so I know he wants to be inclusive, but she needs entertaining, she won’t do anything by herself to give us some space and I’m the one who will end up engaging with her the whole time (when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden). I have to listen to her witter away about nonsense all evening when I really just want to be quiet and zone out after the little ones are asleep. Also, she complains a lot about a lot of inane things and has strong opinions about subjects she doesn’t know much about!!

Am I being unreasonable to insist that he backtracks somehow on the invite??

I should add that she’s kind and thoughtful and DC1 adores her... she would be really upset if she knew she was unwelcome. Maybe we should cancel the holiday and wait till the following year (2020) when she might forget the invite and we can go just the 4 of us??!

OP posts:
52FestiveRoad · 31/05/2018 07:49

We went away once with MIL, I get on well with her but on holiday she treated my DH like he was 7 again and kept bossing him (and me) around. He found it infuriating, and when she was rude to someone in a restaurant he flipped out and shouted at her, which he has never done (in my earshot anyway) Then she sulked for ages. We survived, but it was hard and DH & I agreed never again, although she hinted heavily the following year. I think for the sake of your relationship with her you need to say no. It does upset the dynamics a lot.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 07:53

Cancel the whole idea. 4 and 18 months is far to young for Disney- everyone will hate it.

Book a package to somewhere nice and beachy for a week and invite Mil to that - she’ll get a holiday, it won’t cost much and you can do Orlando in a few years time when the children will enjoy it.

GreenTulips · 31/05/2018 08:00

For sime Disney isn't a big holiday and they go every year.

Disney is for kids of all ages!

We had a blast and OP will enjoy it too.

The issue isn't Disney it's the uninvited MIL

Those saying 'oh do a different holiday with MIL' aren't solving the DH/Invite problem.

OP doesn't want to go with MIL and she wants a DH to ask first!

GummyGoddess · 31/05/2018 08:07

I don't think it's vile to not want to spend thousands of pounds and your yearly holiday entertaining someone that you find hard work.

Finding someone hard work doesn't make you a bad person.

emmyrose2000 · 31/05/2018 08:12

My FIL used to come on short holidays with us when the DC were little. It was lovely, but there's no way I'd have wanted to take him, or anyone else, on a major overseas family holiday. DH is just going to have to find a tactful way to to uninvite her - specifically without throwing you under the bus.

Ignore all the naysayers telling you to cancel because the children are too young for Disney. How ridiculous.

Four is a fantastic age for Disney - everything is still magical to them at that age, and they'll have fun in the moment. So what if the DC don't remember it? The parents will, and there're all the photos and videos to look back on. We took DC1 to Disneyland CA for the first time at 18 months. Years later I still have wonderful memories (and photos/videos) of his reaction to things.

yet we would have to pay for everything, as she’s retired and doesn’t have much in the way of savings
That's reason enough to say 'no'. Adding another adult into it will cost a small fortune with tickets, airfare, meals, and having to get a bigger or second room.

Returnofthesmileybar · 31/05/2018 08:18

Yanbu! How dare he invite anyone without discussing it with you. What did you say to him?

TitZillas · 31/05/2018 08:19

I find it tricky holidaying with my own parents let alone my ILs! It makes for such a difficult dynamic when you throw another adult into the mix, more people to please, more interference with parenting, dealing with ‘sulks’ when it doesn’t suit - from the adults not the DC.
I find it very hard to cope with and it ends up being more stressful than helpful.

madeyemoodysmum · 31/05/2018 08:19

If you have not booked yet I'd change the plans to a week in Europe next year and yes to Disneyland Paris with the mil

Florida is bloody expensive and I'd wait till kids at least have a chance of remembering it. We waited until ours were 7-9 but we had done Paris twice
Previously and it worked well. The magic in the characters was still there it was affordable and the holiday bit to long. USA Disney is massively tiring too what with jet lag and all the walking.

Just my thoughts
And yes yr dh SHOULD have discussed this with you first. Does he have form for this stuff.

Tiredspice2 · 31/05/2018 08:21

No way! You will be busy taking care of your kids, it won’t be fair that you will need to entertain her also.

Like others have said, I don’t think your kids would remember this trip, maybe a bit too young?

5foot5 · 31/05/2018 08:22

He's asked her now. If you make him take it back it will ruin your relationship with MiL and probably with him.

Actually I agree with this and I think it would be incredibly hurtful.
At the same time I can understand why the OP is so annoyed.

My suggestion would be a long hard talk with DH after which he tells her that, after asking around, you have both realised that the DC will be too young to get the most out of Disney (they will be and that's a waste for what potentially is a once in a lifetime thing) so you will wait until they are older.

That gets you off the hook for now without anyone's feelings being hurt.

Maybe then compromise by having a week somewhere with her and another holiday by yourselves.

And going forward for these weekend visits:
A. Insist he makes more effort to engage with his mum
B. To say she witters on isn't very nice. Maybe she is lonely and glad to have someone to talk to. Have you tried having a proper two way conversation with her so she doesn't have to just witter on?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 31/05/2018 08:23

This reminds me of the last holiday i went on, i was 14.
Me, my sister, mum and dad were set to go to salou, spain. My dad, knowing my my mums mother is alone since my grandad had died some 9 years previous, suggested she go round to her mums before heading to book it, ans invite her along.
Mum arrives home later, having booke the holiday, and at this point, informas my dad that when she got to her mums, her older sister (my aunt) was visiting, my grandmother accepted the invite, and my aunt had invited herself along as well! They all went and booked it, it wasn't mentioned or consulted with me, dad or sister before it was booked.

My dad was livid, he absolutely HATES my aunt, and i don't blame him. She is the most selfish, self centred person ever, she has to be centre of attention, even at other peoples special events like their weddings, graduations etc. She completely takes over, doing all she can to get the attention on her.

This was only our second holiday abroad, all our other holidays were mums side of the family get togethers for a week in a rented out farmhouse in Wales. On these welsh holidays, said aunt would never get up til mid day, always wanted to get a lift with someone else so she didn't have to do the driving, including expecting them to wait til SHE was done and ready to go back. She would want to do specific things, but expect everyone else who wanted to do it, to fit around the day she wanted ot do it, at the time she wanted etc. Sometimes it got left too late and things were fully booked up so nobody could go.

Firstly, it meant that each room booked housed 3, so either my parents had to be split up, or me or my sister had to share with grandma and aunt. I knew my dad wanted to be in the same room as my mum so i volunteered, and it was hell. As the older ones, my aunt and gran got the proper beds, i got a fold out cot chair thing right by the balcony door. They both snored super loud. My aunt complained the air con was too loud so insisted on the balcony door being open, despite my massive fear of bugs which would all come in at night and which i was right next to the door.
She wanted to dictate where we did and didn't go, on what days, and typical her when she bought anything, immediately tried to palm it off on someone else to carry it for her, usually this mug here.
he day we went to the water park we were cutting it close to get back in time for dinner (it was all inclusive) and my dad also would need to change first as the no shorts rule.
Despit ethis, she insisted on taking this super slow, novelty train back instead of the faster, more direct bus. My mum and gran agreed with her, so train thing it was. We got back 5 minutes before the buffet closed, my dad had to go change, and if it hadn't been for me and my sister worrying and going and getting a plate of at least some things for him, he wouldn't have eaten at all as they closed i before he got back. He spent the rest of the night hungry though, as it was too far to walk to a shop and they would be closed by then.

Every meal time, she'd run down, shout, "You get the table i'll go get my food" and bugger off. My dad also had an issue with the chair on the balcony breaking on him and he fell, he was injured and she hysterically laughed at him. I made sure to laugh just as loud when the exact same thing happened to her on OUR balcony the night after, she didn't like it.

My dad is bitter about the whole holiday to this day, said he didn't enjoy a minute of it and wishes he hadn't gone. And i agree, my gran being there was fine she's pretty go with the flow and reasonable, but my aunt wanted ot dictate 24/7. At least she paid for herself though.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 08:24

“DH is just going to have to find a tactful way to to uninvite her - specifically without throwing you under the bus.“

Which will be impossible. Hence the very sensible suggestions to postpone the holiday til the children will enjoy it ( 6 and 4, or 7 and 5, rather than 4 and 2) and do something else instead.

StopPOP · 31/05/2018 08:24

Ye Gads no!

I also agree that the kids are too young to appreciate, sorry.

It's just not worth the stress is it? Think about the practicalities never mind your MIL being there and having to suffer entertain her.

Speak to DH. Cancel and plan for in a good few years time. If it's going to be awkward tell her you've done the maths again and can't afford.

PenelopeFlintstone · 31/05/2018 08:26

YABU

I should add that she’s kind and thoughtful and DC1 adores her... she would be really upset if she knew she was unwelcome and she's been on her own for thirty years....but you don't want to let her on your holiday. Where's the compassion?

Lethaldrizzle · 31/05/2018 08:28

He should have asked you but its a kind thing to do if shes on her own. One day you might find yourself in that position

happypoobum · 31/05/2018 08:30

YANBU - Your DH is an idiot.

Only tactful way out of this is to postpone "until DC are older.

Book a different holiday for next year but do it last minute and make sure DH doesn't invite MIL.

butlerswharf · 31/05/2018 08:32

I'd be livid if my OH did this and there's no way I'd let it go ahead.

It's his mess let him sort it out.

Ragwort · 31/05/2018 08:33

Postpone the holiday.

(But equally as someone who is old enough to be a grandma I can think of nothing worse than going to Disneyland with my adult child and family Grin).

ladymelbourne1926 · 31/05/2018 08:36

I get why you're annoyed your dh should have discussed it with your first but it would be a nice kind thing to do, think what it would mean to her.
We nearly always go on holiday en masse with family. I have wonderful memories from my childhood f doing the same. Is it annoying that Great aunt Sylvia insists on going to bed at 9pm, yep. That one of my sil is totally inflexible, yep. But at the end of the day we're family, we love each other despite the annoyances of which I'm sure I have several myself and the children have the best time with their cousins and grandma.

Pengggwn · 31/05/2018 08:36

If my DH did this, I would be furious.
But I would start by asking him why he did it. If his reply was that he thought his DM would have the holiday of a lifetime and he really wanted to give that to her, rather than that she could help with the kids, then, in all honesty, I would complain to friends and suck it up. It's one holiday and it's his mum. But I wouldn't do the entertaining. I'd make him commit to doing that.

ThisMorningWentBadly · 31/05/2018 08:36

I think he should have asked you before he invited her. However I think
it is sad that now you want to cancel the holiday rather than go with her. She is on her own, going on holiday with other people is much nicer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2018 08:39

Ragwart
Good point. Tbh a caravan holiday would be a lot easier. Swimming pool on site. You can get 3 beds almost the same price as 2.

Is your mil in good health op?

Theweasleytwins · 31/05/2018 08:40

My mil came on a week holiday to the Isle of Wight last week, was a tad squashed in the back of the car but if just found out I was pregnant again, her being there meant she did everything I would have done

She cooked, cleaned and entertained DT while I was ill/exhausted (because dh does fuck all apart from drive)

Bonelessbanquet · 31/05/2018 08:41

DD loved disneyworld at 4, she was very tall though - was big enough for one upside down rollercoaster at Busch gardens.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 31/05/2018 08:41

All these suck it up posts, have you ever actually had a difficult person tag on your holiday! It's not fun or relaxing, you know the person, what they're like and if you know theyre going to be rude, demanding etc, then why just waste your money on a holiday you already know you won't enjoy?