DH has invited MIL to come on our holiday!!

[MeMeMeow85]

For some reason DH decided to invite his mother to come on our holiday to Disneyworld next year!! I’m really annoyed!

He just announced “Great, mum’s said she’ll come with us to Orlando” as if that’s a really wonderful thing!!!! Apparently it’s such a good idea, as she will “be a great help with the DC” 🙄

DC1 will be 4 and DC2 will be 18 months. In no way will MIL want to be the designated babysitter, as she will see the trip as her holiday too...yet we would have to pay for everything, as she’s retired and doesn’t have much in the way of savings.

I really don’t want to pay for a second hotel room at Disney or change our plans to somewhere less expensive! I also want it to be special time for our little family without having to take another person’s wishes into account every day...

DH is an only child and she’s been on her own for over 30 years, so I know he wants to be inclusive, but she needs entertaining, she won’t do anything by herself to give us some space and I’m the one who will end up engaging with her the whole time (when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden). I have to listen to her witter away about nonsense all evening when I really just want to be quiet and zone out after the little ones are asleep. Also, she complains a lot about a lot of inane things and has strong opinions about subjects she doesn’t know much about!!

Am I being unreasonable to insist that he backtracks somehow on the invite??

I should add that she’s kind and thoughtful and DC1 adores her... she would be really upset if she knew she was unwelcome. Maybe we should cancel the holiday and wait till the following year (2020) when she might forget the invite and we can go just the 4 of us??!

Ugh :(
See, my dp has just done this.
We are taking our dcs on a day out next week and he's invited her.
I wanted a day with just my babies as I wanted to go alone for 1:1 time. Anyway, he's invited her and she pushes me out. Now I'm not going.
I'd tell him to uninvite OP and go out with her seperately if she's lonely. He should've at least asked your permission

AlmostAJillSandwich

For my DH's sake? As a one off.

And yes, I've done this. I'm not going to insist we never have a holiday with his relatives.

Fuck that for a lark! No, no and NO again!

That's going to be horrendously expensive.
Sit him down and tell him:

1. The kids are probably too young to enjoy the full experience.
2. It's going to be hot as hell and you'll be stuck in queues with young children.
3. The expense, when you don't have money to burn yourselves.
4. It's MILs holiday too and you doubt she's going to want to be an unpaid baby sitter.

Then suggest you book somewhere else for all of you that's all inclusive and more suitable.

Actually WDW is great for small children and toddlers. Dd was just turned 2y on our first visit and just turned 4y in our second. There was loads she could go on and watch and enjoy the first year, and more again by the second year. It really does depend on your children. It was also bit going to be are only visit as we've been several times since. Even the other parks such as Universal has plenty for small children.

Anyway, that's irrelevant really - if the OP feels her children are of an age to enjoy it, then good for them. Many children are, and many children don't enjoy beach and resort holidays too. Each to their own.

Of course you should have been consulted before MIL was invited. It should be a joint decision about who comes in your family holiday.

Can WDW work with additional family? Yes. But you need to be upfront about expectations. When we do the parks, even when dd was small, we do full days and we do parks pretty much every day. It's a busy holiday with an awful lot of walking and we are are on the go for the whole time. Depending on the time of year it is very hot and humid. It's hard work.

Does MIL like theme parks and rides?
Is she happy and able to walk a lot?
Will she be able to do the long days and into the night to watch fireworks?
Can she stand around a lot, waiting in queues or stood eating for fireworks and parades?
Will she be okay living in theme park food?

That's just a brief start to what you need to be finding out.

All these posts calling the OP selfish i think it's very selfish to gatecrash a family holiday and if I was in that position I'd like to think I'd have the wherewithal to stop and pause and consider DIL and the actual dynamics of a holiday before accepting the invite.

Cancel Disney World (why on earth would you go all that way with children so young? A lot of unnecessary expense and faff for a holiday they can't really enjoy and won't remember) and go to Norfolk. Tell MIL you are spending a week in Norfolk in a caravan and tell her she's welcome to join you.

She will not be keen, I guarantee it. You'll have a fabulous holiday, the kids will run about and fling sand everywhere and you can save Disney World for another (I'd say) six years.

I'm concerned about the utter disrespect your DH has shown you here. Why were you not involved in an important decision that will affect your family and your budget? Does he do this kind of thing often?

I'd be tempted to uninvite DH too!

I agree that the kids are too young, use that as a get out clause and maybe take her somewhere easier. Like camping, she'll love that

Failing that, put MIL, DH and kids on a plane to Disney in Orlando and forget to mention that you're not going. Or feign ignorance and 'accidentally' book yourself and the kids to a different Disney!

I certainly wouldn't send my kids to Disneyworld and not go myself. It's my idea of hell but if they wanted to go, I wouldn't miss it.

Yanbu at all if she wants a holiday she pays her own way

While your DH was massively inconsiderate to invite MIL without discussing it first, is there any way it could work? It all depends on your relationship with MIL, I think, and only you can judge.

A couple of years ago I invited my PILs on holiday without consulting my DH. It didn't even occur to me as I thought it such a brilliant idea. Luckily my DH was fine with it, but I still apologised profusely for not discussing it with him beforehand. And we all had a fab holiday.

Just seen that your kids are only 4 and 18month's.
I'm sorry but imo that is far too young for Disney Florida!
They need to be around the 7ish age.
It's a lot of money to spend on a holiday that they are too young to appreciate and is going to be major hard work for you.
Just book a lovely beach hol.

What a bloody situation. I would have been mad with DH had he done the same!

But I don't think I could uninvite her now in your shoes as it will be blatantly obvious it's you who doesn't want her there.

Maybe cancel, book a short break somewhere MIL could go with you and then book DW later on?

Disneyland Paris is nearer , cheaper and just as much fun with small ones .
Re MIL he should've asked you but maybe he already knew what your response would be ? You need to talk to him .
Unlike many posters here I would just suck up the MIL thing .

There are so many thoughtless MILs around, I wouldn't want to go on holiday with my adult kids. I certainly wouldn't accept an invite from my son without his wife being wildly enthusiastic.

My adult DD tags along with us sometimes, her choice, fine. The other way round, not fine.

YANBU OP, I would delay the holiday if I were you.

"There are so many thoughtless MILs around"

Oh, come on!!!!! How the fuck is it thoughtless to accept an invitation? Even for Mumsnet that's a bit extreme!
If one person in a couple asks you to something, do you check with the other person before accepting? Because I would be seriously pissed off if anyone did that to me.

OP, ask him why he thought it appropriate to invite his mother without discussing the matter with you before hand. I’d then tell him you won’t be going and you’d rather do a mini break to Disney Paris and she can come along to that if he is desperate to spend time on holiday with mummy. And I would be expecting her to pay her own way as well if her coming is going to be too expensive for you,

As for you doing all of the entertaining with her, I’d refuse to, I would be busy and tell him he has to spend time with her. Her being on her own for 30 years is her choice and not something you need to feel responsible for.

This sounds harsh but if you don’t particularly gel with her I think you spending less time with her (and your husband more time) would be better for everyone.

Woder 'My adult DD tags along with us sometimes, her choice, fine. The other way round, not fine'. Why?

There are so many thoughtless MILs around, I wouldn't want to go on holiday with my adult kids. I certainly wouldn't accept an invite from my son without his wife being wildly enthusiastic.

Huh? The OP didn't know about the invite so how could the MIL know her DIL wasn't enthusiastic about her being invited?

Hard to believe I know as this is MN but some families actually like going on holiday together. My DIL actually asked me without consulting DS! Can you believe it! Hmm.

I’m seeing this from a different perspective I think?
I’m Italian and I notice in England families are often a lot more nuclear than in Italy, especially rural Tuscany.
My mother (and father) - but more often my mother, regularly comes on holiday with us, and to stay with us here at home very often. my DH loves her being here almost as much as I do.
For us this works really well and I actually feel it strengthens DH and my relationship, we have a lot of free time together, because of all the family support we have, and are able to go away for weekends together, impromptu suppers etc, fairly regularly because my mamma will stay with DC.
Maybe your DH feels like this about his mother too OP, I mean that he genuinely feels it enhances your family dynamics? For me, one thing that makes me love DH more is how he treats his mother...he adores her, and shows her so much love and consideration ...how close he is to her was a big factor in me falling in love with him at the beginning.
Obviously, you have your strong view on this too - I’m just looking at it from another perspective

I wanted DH's mother to join us on a UK holiday we had. I still asked him first though! He was happy, we asked her, she accepted, and we all had a lovely time.

Way out of order for your DH to invite his mum without speaking to you first. I do think though, if she is uninvited then it will look bad, and she will be so hurt, upset and feel unwanted.
It does sound as if you don’t have a lot of time for your MIL anyway when you say you have to listen to her wittering on when she comes to stay once a month and you just want peace & quiet. Do you not normally get on? If so, why did your DH invite her?

Does your MIL have a lot of friends? Maybe she is really lonely and just likes to chat when she comes to see you, BUT your DH should be making more of an effort when she comes to visit.

We have been on holiday with my mil quite a few times and it was fine, but, I get on very well with her and the decisions to include her were made jointly.

It can work though, mil has always paid her share and in cases where we paid for the villa, she paid for the car rental. We did New York with her, and it went ok, she was brave enough to go off on her own one day (she's mid 70's), took a cab to The Frick art museum, we spotted her later on that day walking down Lexington with her sunglasses on and a frappuccino, she was so happy she'd navigated her own way round NY. We'd taken the kids converse shopping that day and she wanted to give us some space.

The op is not asking for opinions on the destination. Plenty of people including my friends have taken young children and had a ball. They have photos and memories of their children’s faces meeting the characters. It is not a waste of money for everybody. There is also plenty of shows, characters, small rides for kids to do. With the attitude that they won’t remember it then that goes for all holidays anywhere then not just Disney. I wish people would respond to what’s been asked and not criticising the destination. Just because you feel it’s a waste of money doesn’t mean it is for everyone.