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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has invited MIL to come on our holiday!!

212 replies

MeMeMeow85 · 30/05/2018 23:18

For some reason DH decided to invite his mother to come on our holiday to Disneyworld next year!! I’m really annoyed!

He just announced “Great, mum’s said she’ll come with us to Orlando” as if that’s a really wonderful thing!!!! Apparently it’s such a good idea, as she will “be a great help with the DC” 🙄

DC1 will be 4 and DC2 will be 18 months. In no way will MIL want to be the designated babysitter, as she will see the trip as her holiday too...yet we would have to pay for everything, as she’s retired and doesn’t have much in the way of savings.

I really don’t want to pay for a second hotel room at Disney or change our plans to somewhere less expensive! I also want it to be special time for our little family without having to take another person’s wishes into account every day...

DH is an only child and she’s been on her own for over 30 years, so I know he wants to be inclusive, but she needs entertaining, she won’t do anything by herself to give us some space and I’m the one who will end up engaging with her the whole time (when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden). I have to listen to her witter away about nonsense all evening when I really just want to be quiet and zone out after the little ones are asleep. Also, she complains a lot about a lot of inane things and has strong opinions about subjects she doesn’t know much about!!

Am I being unreasonable to insist that he backtracks somehow on the invite??

I should add that she’s kind and thoughtful and DC1 adores her... she would be really upset if she knew she was unwelcome. Maybe we should cancel the holiday and wait till the following year (2020) when she might forget the invite and we can go just the 4 of us??!

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 11:32

Maintaining relationships is considered "wifework".

MiggeldyHiggins · 31/05/2018 11:34

Yes, of course it is utterly absurd for the man to have invited anyone on holiday without discussing it and I would be incandescent if dp did this to me. But it is also absurd to expect the mil to have checked whether her dil was on board before accepting the invitation. Why on earth would you do that?

Because neither is absurd. I can see how this could easily happen...he's chatting to his mother, saying how the holiday is going to be great, she says how nice it sounds, how lovely, how she's go no plans....and he says "you should come with us, wouldn't that be great?".
He's not a cunt, she's not a crazy MIL, OP is not wrong either. It could happen so easily. He shouldn't have done it, MIL should have said "talk to DIL and we'll see if it pans out" and OP needs to find a way to either get out of it, or live with it.

UserV · 31/05/2018 11:36

FGS, it's the decent and considerate thing to do, to consult your partner with ANYthing, even small things. If I am going out with a mate - even for a coffee, I tell my husband. And if I am going out for the night and don't know what time I will be back, I tell him, and let him know he can ring me or text me if he needs me or is worried about me.

And he does all of the above for me.

It's called being considerate, and valuing other peoples feelings.

Any man who invites someone else on a MAJOR holiday that was meant for him and his wife and kids, is a thoughtless selfish twat. (Yes, even if that someone else was his MOTHER!)

He has thought about NO-ONE but himself here. HE won't be entertaining his mother; he will be leaving that to his wife.

callmeadoctor · 31/05/2018 11:37

Think OP is not coming back!

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 11:39

"Gosh, I always check if my ds1 has checked things with his fiance first,"

Does this apply to any arrangement made by one of a couple?

UserV · 31/05/2018 11:40

And yes, the OP's husband's mother SHOULD have said 'make sure it's OK with 'mememeow' first. She is actually partly to blame for this situation too. Surely if your son said 'come on hols with us mum!' any decent, thoughtful, considerate woman would say 'make sure it's ok with my daughter in law/your wife first.'

Then again, for all we know, the OP's husband's mother probably expects the OP to do all the wifework anyway, and doesn't give a fuck about the OP.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 11:41

"FGS, it's the decent and considerate thing to do, to consult your partner with ANYthing, even small things."
Has anyone suggested it isn't???

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2018 11:41

I'd also be furious if my husband did this. I assume he did it without asking you because he knew you'd say no.

I'd also assume he told his mother you'd love it if she asked.

I don't think uou can uninvite her though without making it obvious that it's you who has the problem with it.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 11:43

"And yes, the OP's husband's mother SHOULD have said 'make sure it's OK with 'mememeow' first. She is actually partly to blame for this situation too. Surely if your son said 'come on hols with us mum!' any decent, thoughtful, considerate woman would say 'make sure it's ok with my daughter in law/your wife first.'".
Well, if you think your son is an inconsiderate arsehole then yes, you would. Because only an inconsiderate arsehole would make the invitation without discussing it first.

MiggeldyHiggins · 31/05/2018 11:45

Well, if you think your son is an inconsiderate arsehole then yes, you would. Because only an inconsiderate arsehole would make the invitation without discussing it first
Bollocks. He probably did it because he is very considerate, to his mother, and didn't think it through.

Are you always so horribly negative?

MadisonAvenue · 31/05/2018 11:47

Cancel it for a few years, and tell your husband that his mother isn't to be invited on future holidays.

My mother in law sounds remarkably like yours OP! We have a problem in that she invites herself along to anything she can. My husband knows better than to do anything but laugh it off. He did take her along once but it was on a holiday that just he and our sons were taking and he came back and swore that it'd never happen again. However she still invites herself to stay at our house and even telling her that it's not convenient means absolutely nothing to her.

mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 11:49

You have my sincere sympathies OP, the same has just happened to me!
If you do find a way to resolve it do share! So far all my angry refusals to go etc etc are falling on deaf ears and DH thinks I am being completely unfair!

I think your holiday should be YOUR holiday. And paying for everything for MIL is not on either - without discussion with you first I mean!

AllMYSmellySocks · 31/05/2018 11:51

I also agree that it was DH's responsibility to check that MiL was welcome before inviting her. If I was invited to go somewhere by one half of the couple I would assume they knew the other half was happy with it. It's not an outsider's place to tell a couple to discuss it - I would assume they already had!

Teateaandmoretea · 31/05/2018 11:51

It's the black and white of checking being infantalising to the son. Not having a chat about it with DIL included as well 'ie is she really sure/ how she sees it working is strange if you are considering people who you apparently are comfortable enough to go on holiday with. And to expect them to pay is ridiculously entitled tbh.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 11:53

"Are you always so horribly negative?"

No. But I think if blame is to be apportioned, it needs to be fairly apportioned. And in this particular scenario, all the blame falls on the OP's husband.

Cornishclio · 31/05/2018 11:59

I think your kids are too young for Disney world. My dad paid for us to go when our 2 DDs were 3 and a half and 5 for his 60th. It is a long flight and the kids found it very overwhelming so we limited the time we spent there. Annoying when it is expensive. Also if MIL comes she pays for her own room, food etc. Personally I would cancel, have strong words with your DH of the inappropriateness of inviting someone else on a family holiday without consulting you and choose somewhere a bit closer to home for the next two years and wait until they are older. We did it again when they were 10 and 8 and they enjoyed it much more.

MiggeldyHiggins · 31/05/2018 12:03

No. But I think if blame is to be apportioned, it needs to be fairly apportioned. And in this particular scenario, all the blame falls on the OP's husband

If you say so, but assuming he is an inconsiderate arsehole is too much. Yiu have no basis for the claim.

3luckystars · 31/05/2018 12:05

Cancel it and say the children are too small. They probably are anyway, it wouldn't be great at that age. I would definitely cancel it.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2018 12:24

"If you say so, but assuming he is an inconsiderate arsehole is too much. Yiu have no basis for the claim"
Well, apart from the incontestable fact that he invited a 3rd adult into a family holiday without consulting his wife. A 3rd adult that they would have to pay for. Seems pretty inconsiderate and arseholy to me!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 31/05/2018 12:25

If you say so, but assuming he is an inconsiderate arsehole is too much. Yiu have no basis for the claim.

Actually I think the evidence is right in front of us. He invited his mother, and said will pay for his mother to come on the trip without even discussing it first. And 'he' has his mother to stay once a month- which is a lot - but it's the OP who has to do the looking after and entertaining while he is either out at work or, if he's home, disappears off to his man caves to avoid her. I think that's enough to assert that he's an arsehole.

MiggeldyHiggins · 31/05/2018 12:26

Well, apart from the incontestable fact that he invited a 3rd adult into a family holiday without consulting his wife. A 3rd adult that they would have to pay for. Seems pretty inconsiderate and arseholy to me!

you have no idea how it came about or why he did it. so no, you have no basis at all.

isitnotsummeryet · 31/05/2018 12:26

firstly YANBU!! no way would i want anyone both me and DH agreed was ok to come on any holiday - but particularly WDW!! and if as you say she need looking after / managing then there is no way i would want her with me.

we went over Christmas with my DM and DD - and i love them to bits, but the constant checking if they are ok, and did they want to do this or that... drove me insane, and they were my parents!

Additionally - please ignore those that say 18 month old is too young for this kind of holiday, i have been taking mine there since they were 9 months old and ok THEY may not be able to remember from that age - i certainly do!! the memories i have of their faces light up at seeing Mickey mouse / tinkerbell ect is something i cherish... and now they are teenagers we have different types of Disney holidays, but each time we go we just amend out plans to the needs of our little family and go with it!

44PumpLane · 31/05/2018 12:31

All those saying 18 months and 4 is too young for Disney World are, in my personal opinion, wrong. (Though they could be absolutely correct for their own personal circumstances).

Go at a slightly cooler time of year such as March or November so the heat won’t be an issue. There are LOADS of rides and shows the kids can enjoy and lots of water play areas and themed areas the kids would enjoy.

Those who say the kids won’t remember it, I’m not sure that matters otherwise why take your kids to farms or the park- they won’t remember it but will enjoy it immensely in the moment.

If this is a once in a lifetime, never to be repeated, EVER, holiday then maybe consider waiting until the kids are old enough to remember it.

However if this is something you think you would like to do again in 5 years time if it goes well then you should absolutely go.

I have 18 month old twins and will be going with them within the next year and then probably every 1-2 years around other holidays too.

To your opriginal OP. YANBU- regardless of your relationship with your MIL I would be furious to not be consulted as that is the crux of the issue.

Motoko · 31/05/2018 12:35

@MeMeMeow85

Are you coming back?

midsomermurderess · 31/05/2018 12:35

I find the idea that she 'deserves' a holiday a bit odd.

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