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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has invited MIL to come on our holiday!!

212 replies

MeMeMeow85 · 30/05/2018 23:18

For some reason DH decided to invite his mother to come on our holiday to Disneyworld next year!! I’m really annoyed!

He just announced “Great, mum’s said she’ll come with us to Orlando” as if that’s a really wonderful thing!!!! Apparently it’s such a good idea, as she will “be a great help with the DC” 🙄

DC1 will be 4 and DC2 will be 18 months. In no way will MIL want to be the designated babysitter, as she will see the trip as her holiday too...yet we would have to pay for everything, as she’s retired and doesn’t have much in the way of savings.

I really don’t want to pay for a second hotel room at Disney or change our plans to somewhere less expensive! I also want it to be special time for our little family without having to take another person’s wishes into account every day...

DH is an only child and she’s been on her own for over 30 years, so I know he wants to be inclusive, but she needs entertaining, she won’t do anything by herself to give us some space and I’m the one who will end up engaging with her the whole time (when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden). I have to listen to her witter away about nonsense all evening when I really just want to be quiet and zone out after the little ones are asleep. Also, she complains a lot about a lot of inane things and has strong opinions about subjects she doesn’t know much about!!

Am I being unreasonable to insist that he backtracks somehow on the invite??

I should add that she’s kind and thoughtful and DC1 adores her... she would be really upset if she knew she was unwelcome. Maybe we should cancel the holiday and wait till the following year (2020) when she might forget the invite and we can go just the 4 of us??!

OP posts:
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 30/05/2018 23:48

Ltb

Inertia · 30/05/2018 23:49

I'd postpone until the children are older anyway, TBH. Kids of that age love just digging in sand, or farm holidays where they can feed animals.

Your DH is bloody rude- he gets golden boy points for inviting his mother along, then delegates the task of entertaining her to you. Not on.

Leeds2 · 30/05/2018 23:50

I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing, in concept. But I would be livid if OH invited anyone on our family holiday without discussing it with me first, particularly if he intended that we paid for it.
Harsh, but tell him he has to tell his mother that the holiday is cancelled. Or he can go to Disney with his mother by themselves. If you aren't careful, he will end up inviting her to everything. Which is fine if you are happy with that, but not if he hasn't asked first. And I think you need to make it difficult for him, or he will never ask.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/05/2018 23:50

He's been very rude, but I'd be almost more worried that you say you're usually the one to talk to your MIL. Why?!

At the moment, my partner's much-loved grandmother is dying, and it's very sad, but one of the saddest things is that her son, who lives right next door to her, barely bothers to go and see her. She is cared for almost entirely by her daughter-in-law (a woman in her late 50s), who has done all her intimate care for some years now, daily. When I think about that, it really gives me a perspective on these situations where a son expects his wife to be the one who does the emotional labour with his own mother.

What is stopping him coming out of his study or garden and talking to her? Have you asked him?

I would start by saying to him that you think you should have been consulted. But you might also point out that he needs to be the one who chats with her, who takes her for a coffee, who has a cup of tea with her.

I am just stunned by anyone suggesting you are being selfish. Surely, your partner is the selfish one?! If you regularly end up entertaining your MIL, it is at the very least his turn to do it. At most, it's his turn to do it and then he owes you several coffee mornings with your own mum, while you go sit in the garden or the study.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 30/05/2018 23:54

I think PPs have got it spot on. I think that what you need to do is have a very clear conversation with him about what this will mean and what he intends to do about it. And then - once he has CLEARLY understood, let him decide if he still wants his DM there and what he's going to do about it.

Oh, and fuck paying for her!

PolkaHots · 31/05/2018 00:00

I would not be entertainng his Mum when she visits if he is in the house. He’d need to get his arse in the living room pronto!

Rudi44 · 31/05/2018 00:06

I would be furious in DH invited his mother to spend an evening with us without checking with me first, much less a holiday. I actually wouldn’t want to go any more.

Jux · 31/05/2018 00:12

I would absolutely, 100% expect to be consulted on mil joining us on holiday (or anyone, for that matter).

Agree that 18m on a holiday like that is a waste. Cancel and book something else for the 5 of you - you might be pleasantly surprised (probably not though!).

Insist that dh entertains his mum, he's the one who invited her after all. Leave him with the children and mil everyday and go to things you'll enjoy Wink.

Copperbonnet · 31/05/2018 00:16

I’d be furious at not being consulted.

Will your MIL actually enjoy Disneyland?

It’s very hot, very very very crowded, lots of walking and lots of queuing.

My Mum could manage it although I don’t think it would be much fun for her, my MIL absolutely wouldn’t be able to cope with it.

And yes an extra person to transport, house and feed will cost you a fortune. If you’ve hired a car will it even fit three adults and two car seats?

Has he suggested it so that you have someone to hold a buggy with you while he goes on the rollercoasters?

suzy2b · 31/05/2018 00:17

Why would anyone want to take such young kids all that way and all that money when they will never remember it think 8 is a good age to go

MrsDilber · 31/05/2018 00:20

Yanbu DH has put you in a horrible position and it's up to him to get you out of it.

I couldn't do it and it's a holiday of a lifetime that shouldn't be dreaded, but will be.

stayathomer · 31/05/2018 00:20

Yanbu but the 'wittering,' 'inane' etc does not show you in a good light. She's a human being. I do understand that you just want this to be your special holiday

HebeJeeby · 31/05/2018 00:24

I’m in Orlando right now - it’s amazing!!! - anyway my point is, is that it’s very expensive over here. Supermarket shopping is about twice as expensive and eating out is too. We paid $61 for lunch (3 people) In the parks and that’s just burgers and fries. Maybe ask your husband if you can afford to take mil. He was out of order for sprinting it on you and not asking but have a think about finances and maybe use that as an excuse.

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/05/2018 00:27

Oh hell no.

tolerable · 31/05/2018 00:34

peacekeeping rearrange-next years plan,but keep that to self,paris disney better for littles tell her.kick his leg.twat

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/05/2018 01:20

If I were you, Id take the bull by the horns and tell her directly, but kindly, that its a no from you. Just as you explained it in the post. Its a holiday for the four of you. VERY expensive to add another adult.
Then you have to tell DP that these decisions have to be taken by BOTH of you and not presented as a fait acompli.
She sounds nice. You are not being unkind by having your own holiday, which you planned and paid for. but perhaps you could offer a nice alternative, which such as a family weekend at one of the safari parks, which the kids would also enjoy and which she could be a welcome part of, nicer for all of you as no resentment caused and gives her some quality time and not just as a babysitter. Good luck.

channingtatumspecs · 31/05/2018 01:53

I have a similar issue with my MIL. I really like her and get along with her but when she visits us (we are overseas) she treats it like her holiday and even if I am working I am still running home to cook and entertain etc. My mum on the other hand gets stuck in and I do nothing at all for the kids or us whilst she is here it is great.
If I was at Disney with my own mum it would be ok as I know she would help. We went a few years ago and DS was only 2. He was too little and scared for 90% of the rides so DM would take care of him for hours while the rest of us queued for rides. Otherwsie it would have been a nightmare. I agree 18 month old will get nothing out of the disney trip. Wait til they are older.Maybe do something else with MIL because at the end of the day, think of it like this, if it were YOUR DM you would want to look after her. I try and do this and put myself in DH shoes re his mum - we often pay her flights to visit us and "treat" her when we are visiting her. We dont do the same for my DPS as we dont need too but I assume we would if either was on their own IYSWIM. Sometimes I think we have to do things which feel like a bit of a sacrifice for someone that we love

marjorie25 · 31/05/2018 02:08

Wintry : I agree with you.
I dare her to show her DH what she wrote.
For all of you that agreed with the OP, just remember one day you will be a MIL too. Life is a circle and when it comes round to each of us it can be a real bitch.

Mummyduck10 · 31/05/2018 02:12

My mil always talks about the first time we take dd Disney world and how she WILL be coming... she won't be.

Monty27 · 31/05/2018 02:13

I can't understand why you want to go Disney with such young DC's. Let alone with mil. Shock

SickofPeterRabbit · 31/05/2018 02:16

So he said that and you just said nothing? Or "Ok" Really?!? Why????

My response would've been "Ha! Very funny!" Or "No she bloody ain't!!"

Butterymuffin · 31/05/2018 02:20

when she comes to stay every month, DH is usually at work or if he’s at home, he’s in the study or garden

Stop this right now. Only have her to stay for days when he's not at work, and when he's in the study/garden, go and tell him he needs to come in and spend time with his mum. When he does, you then leave the room. Once he does more of the emotional work with her, he'll think twice about the holiday too.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 31/05/2018 02:34

We did Disneyland with my parents and it was amazing, the best holiday ever (DH agrees and we’re currently planning the next one Grin)

However, my parents paid for most of the trip, plus they’re not elderly and did all the rides with the kids etc. so it really was great for everyone.

I’d be very unimpressed in your situation though, he should’ve discussed it with you first!

Also think 4 & 18 months is too young for Disney World, Disneyland was insane enough (DC were 6 & 8) and that’s less than half the size of Disney World!

Go on a smaller holiday with MIL to keep everyone happy and save Disney for when the kids are a little older. It really is so amazing, you’ll want them to remember it Smile

Nb65988 · 31/05/2018 02:40

He should have spoken to u first and explain to him yeah it's great to invite her on holiday when u don't spend any time with her and I want my own space to enjoy my holiday not entertain ure mom he's going to have to uninvite her perhaps saying he couldn't get her added on its to late maybe next year if he doesn't tell him ure not going

LeeValley2 · 31/05/2018 02:44

Go this time but never again.

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