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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it a bit rude to ask 'was your baby planned'?

207 replies

HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 13:47

Almost 6 months pregnant and, just had the 6th person ask me if it was planned. It's always people I don't know very well (colleagues or friends of friends) and it was the first thing they asked after saying congratulations.

Wonder if it's because I'm not married (although I am in a very long term, stable relationship) - do people think you wouldn't start a family on purpose without being married so assume it must be an accident? Am I being too sensitive or is this a rude thing to ask someone?

OP posts:
NoNoCharlieRascal · 30/05/2018 13:49

It's rude. I was asked it with ds, and I am already being asked it with this one.

I haven't found the 'right comeback' to it yet. I want to say 'fuck off you dick', but usually say 'what kind of question is that?'.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 13:49

I've not had anyone ask me if we planned, we are married, I wonder if that's a thing?? I did get a lot of people on our wedding day sung things like 'ooh babies next' . Mind you we have only told family so far so I've not got a great comparison.

Loandbeholdagain · 30/05/2018 13:49

I would never ask this question so yes it’s a bit rude! I might wonder but would never ask!

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 13:50

Saying not sung, that would've been even weirder

Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 13:51

People asked me this after my MC, as if that might somehow make it better? And yes baby was planned and very much wanted!

My response moved to ‘well we didn’t have sex by accident if that’s what you mean’

Butterflykissess · 30/05/2018 13:51

Yes along with "do they all have the same dad?" Like why do you ca re?!

NoNoCharlieRascal · 30/05/2018 13:51

Oh and I am married. So I don't think it's that.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/05/2018 13:51

Of course it's rude Hmm
I think the only people who could ask this quite legitimately would be healthcare professionals.

AnnaT45 · 30/05/2018 13:52

My close friends asked me which I didn't mind at all. I'd find it weird if someone I didn't really know asked!

MaisyPops · 30/05/2018 13:52

It's very rude. Does it even matter? If someone is continuing with a pegnancy then the baby is wanted.

That said, it came up in conversation with one of my friends years later. They had a baby on leaving school (16) and it turned out baby was planned. I have to admit, it surprised me because I had (wrongly and probably being judgemental on reflection) assumed it wasn't planned. Blush

Saying that me and DH have been deflecting baby comments for years as we've been TTC almost 2 years so we are anticipating 'was it a surprise' comments.

zzzzz · 30/05/2018 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhBergine · 30/05/2018 13:54

With first DC I got asked this aalllll the time. I wasn't married.

Now I'm married and pregnant with DC2, I'm still asked all the time, presumably because there's a small age gap (and people presume it must therefore have been a mistake)!

Unless it's a healthcare professional and the question is relevant, I think it's hugely inappropriate!! They are basically asking whether you meant to have unprotected sex with your partner.

Happyandshiney · 30/05/2018 13:54

It is very rude. I’m also not sure what people think they will do with the information?

We were asked this regularly and we were married for a long time before having our children.

polsha · 30/05/2018 13:54

In my job I deal with lost of different people and make idle chat with them it usually goes

Them - 'do you have any children'

Me - 'yes, I have 4'

Them - 'oooh, how old are they?'

Me - '18, 16, 15 and 7'

Them - 'oh spot the obvious mistake' or something along those lines

Me - ShockShockShockShockShock

People are wankers.

Original poster
HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 13:54

Ataloss2567 sorry about your MC Flowers what a daft thing to ask after something like that.

Love your response though Grin

OP posts:
Butterflykissess · 30/05/2018 13:55

Oh I remember my sister telling her friend/neighbour whilst I was stood right there. She said "butterfly is pregnant" and her friend replied with " is that a good thing?! "

WittyJack · 30/05/2018 13:56

I agree it might be because you aren't married - although who knows what goes on in the mind of someone who thinks that's an ok question to ask! - because we aren't either and I got asked it so many times with both.

Particularly with the second, just wtf? I'm 40 years old, have a 2 year old already - and that doesn't sound planned to you??! Argh.

I'd have loved to give a really snippy retort, but most of the people asking were bosses of a certain sex and age, so it was more than my job was worth to be rude :(

Original poster
HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 13:56

polsha ShockShockShock What is wrong with some people??

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/05/2018 13:57

I would have answered: Planned, of course... Have you planned to be this rude or does it just comes to you spontaneously?

Carboholic · 30/05/2018 13:58

It's rude.

Having said that, now is the time to prepare for the barrage of rude like you never imagined. Once you fall pregnant, your body does not belong to you and it's everyone's right to comment on the state of your belly, boobs and vagina. Once you have a child it's even worse; you'll be killing yourself trying to keep this tiny, screamy, constantly awake thing alive and fed, while everyone in your town will have an opinion on exactly what you are doing wrong, and will not be shy from telling you that. A staggering number of those opinions will be wrong, contradicting the NHS and the WHO advice, and said in an incredibly patronising way.

I have no advice for you. I hope you have not answered these questions. When you find a phrase that means "fuck the fuck off you rude fuck" but which you can utter in polite company and eg at work, please let me know.

Rudgie47 · 30/05/2018 13:59

I dont think its that rude really, it not like asking whos the Dad or something like that.

Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 13:59

Thanks @hollygoloudly, I think people just don’t know what to say about MC so say something a bit daft!

Oh and I’m married so I doubt it’s that too...just nosey buggers!

QueenOfMyWorld · 30/05/2018 13:59

Just say well I was just using him for money and sex,this is just a bonus Wink

GinGeum · 30/05/2018 13:59

‘Oh, it was a mistake then?!’ is the most used phrase I’ve heard in the recent weeks. I’d assumed it’s because we’ve decided to get married very quickly, but we have been trying for a long time to get pregnant!

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/05/2018 14:02

Someone asked my wife this when she was pregnant. She replied: "Were you, because you're coming across as a right bastard".

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