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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it a bit rude to ask 'was your baby planned'?

207 replies

HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 13:47

Almost 6 months pregnant and, just had the 6th person ask me if it was planned. It's always people I don't know very well (colleagues or friends of friends) and it was the first thing they asked after saying congratulations.

Wonder if it's because I'm not married (although I am in a very long term, stable relationship) - do people think you wouldn't start a family on purpose without being married so assume it must be an accident? Am I being too sensitive or is this a rude thing to ask someone?

OP posts:
biscuitmillionaire · 30/05/2018 18:09

It's rude.

I would reply, 'That's a very personal question' and frown and turn away or change the subject.

Georgina125 · 30/05/2018 18:13

Tbf, that is not the rudest question I have had about my pregnancy. That was "are you regretting it yet?". She asked twice...

0lgaDaPolga · 30/05/2018 18:18

With my first I spent the first few months of marriage deflecting questions like ‘so when are you having kids’ for the same people to ask me if it was planned when I was pregnant.

Now I’m pregnant with number 2 I’ve also had people asking if it was planned, I guess because there will be a fairly short age gap between both babies. It’s bloody rude and I wish people wouldn’t ask

Smileyeyes68 · 30/05/2018 18:27

I was asked with DC4, probably as I was in my forties and next youngest child was 10. I never could bring myself to say well, after an unplanned pregnancy in my forties which was a very happy surprise ended in MC we decided to TTC, lost three more and decided to give up as it was heartbreaking , at which point I discovered I was pregnant and this one stuck. So she was technically unplanned, though pregnancy 5,6 and 7 were. Instead I avoided answering and just said how happy we were!

kaytee87 · 30/05/2018 18:31

I was asked this and I am married. People seem to become very rude and nosey when presented with a pregnant woman

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 18:32

"I'm getting married! But don't ask me how I met the fellow or why I like him, that might be same as asking about our sex life."

is equivalent.

You're not... a logical thinker, are you?

lljkk · 30/05/2018 18:34

I think I'm very logical.
It is equivalent "Oh he sounds dishy!" what else is that but alluding to physical attraction?

I still maintain that folk offended by "is it planned" or buying into the myth that unplanned = moral crime.

UnbornMortificado · 30/05/2018 18:42

I keep getting asked when I'm having another one. DS is only 10 months, is baby number 5 (although I have 3 living DC), he came ridiculously early and I died on the operating table.

It's the people who know this who keep asking.

Lellowcar · 30/05/2018 19:02

I’ve been asked a few times, I’ve been with DP 7 years, we aren’t married and have a little boy due in July who certainly was planned. I think it is rude since it’s not really any one else’s business but ours

sayanythingelse · 30/05/2018 20:10

I think it's a question most people get asked although I'll never know why because it is rude!

I have a colleague who was advised that him and his wife would probably never have kids. They were incredibly lucky to fall pregnant naturally twice after the diagnosis and have 2 cute kids. I had spoke with him about our struggles to conceive. When I finally announced I was pregnant his response was "are you keeping it?" .... Excuse me, what?! I think some people really just don't think.

Original poster
HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 20:18

It is equivalent "Oh he sounds dishy!" what else is that but alluding to physical attraction?

So saying someone is handsome or asking how you met your partner is equivalent to asking if you had unprotected sex on purpose or not?? 😂

I've quite clearly explained already that I do not think unplanned pregnancy is a 'moral crime' as u put it - don't know why you think I would lie to some random stranger on Mumsnet about that.

The fact that 99% of posters agree with me that's it's rude speaks volumes, unless u think they are all secretly judging this 'moral crime' too? Or that none of the posters had unplanned pregnancies? And the 1% who don't think it's rude (everyone is entitled to their opinion) all managed to put their point across without accusing folk of 'major predjudice' 🙄.

Thanks everyone else for your funny and reassuring replies!

OP posts:
Ketayuzu · 30/05/2018 20:27

I just go with either
"We just can't seem to stop having sex"
Or
"So you're asking about how DH and I have sex? Thats a strange thing to ask"

Namechangedname · 30/05/2018 20:38

It is very rude. I’m also not sure what people think they will do with the information?

Judge.

Carouselfish · 30/05/2018 20:44

I was asked numerous times. Found it really awkward and intrusive.
I wish I could have said these:

Wide-eyed and innocently, 'Well actually, I was raised in a strict religious cult and had literally no sex education. I didn't realise what that sperm stuff could do! Oops!'

or, particularly fun to say to a stranger,

'Oh! We're sharing intimate sexual details are we? Okay, okay, tell me first, do you spit or swallow?'

AllMYSmellySocks · 30/05/2018 20:49

lljkk

Come on you must know the difference between describing how you met someone and talking about your sex life and contraceptives choices? It's like the difference between asking how someone is and asking the details of their last bowel movement!

Madmadonna · 30/05/2018 21:20

My neighbour asked if IT was planned.

I said I wasn’t having an ‘it’.

12 years of IVF...glad I didn’t share that with her!

BarryTheKestrel · 30/05/2018 21:28

It was the first question my gran asked when I announced I was pregnant with DC2 (there's a 3.5 year age gap - I could have understood potentially if it was a very small gap). I responded with 'i'm not sure discussing my sex life with my grandparents is something I want to do'. She backtracked but realised that actually, she was asking about our sex life and that's not something she needs to know about.

It's a rude question. Planned or not is irrelevant if the child is clearly wanted.

CopONNotLinkedIn · 30/05/2018 21:30

i think it's rude!

It's either like a judgement ''did you mean to have a 4th child'' or ''were they meant to be so close in age'' or it's like an invitation to share your pain Confused ''were you just lying for the last six years when you said you didn't want dc?''.

Don't ask.

athingthateveryoneneeds · 30/05/2018 21:32

More than just a bit rude, I'd say! Horrible thing to ask someone.

ForalltheSaints · 30/05/2018 21:32

It is rude. End of.

stupidwispyhair · 30/05/2018 21:37

Slightly different, but I've recently started a new job and when people find out about my situation, they ask me (indirectly in a roundabout way) if it was my 'plan' to be a single parent. Like, "yeah my dream since I was a little girl was to finally get pregnant then have my ExH screw me over and raise my DS alone" HmmHmm Fuckwads.

I guess they must know a lot of people who use men just to get pregnant or something??!!?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 30/05/2018 21:43

Even my doctor asked me! I told her that no, it wasn't intentional, we thought we'd worked out what was causing it but we were obviously wrong.
I'm almost certain that she believed me! Rude, patronising mare.

Namechangemum100 · 30/05/2018 21:45

It's rude...I have 2 under 2 (14 month gap) and I always get asked if my youngest was planned.

Yes he was...but quite frankly it is nobody's business but dh and I.

It really annoys me, and actually upsets me sometimes as I hate feeling like I have to justify my son...but I try to just see it as ignorance and stupidity now.

JassyRadlett · 30/05/2018 21:45

You had a sex life (probably) that's why you made a baby. You made the announcement, the person asking didn't announce you had a sex life.

Yep. Most people who are pregnant have a sex life. Obvs. Where it becomes rude is when someone asks for details of that sex life.

Do you go round asking for the details from everyone you suspect has a sexist life? How often they’re doing it? Are they using contraception? What kind? Who’s on top?

Or do you just save it for the pregnant people? Someone announcing they’re pregnant isn’t an invitation to discuss what they’re up to, and how, in bed.

Lethaldrizzle · 30/05/2018 21:52

The moral outrage on here is real eye opener and a lesson for me on how not to talk to other women!