Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it a bit rude to ask 'was your baby planned'?

207 replies

HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 13:47

Almost 6 months pregnant and, just had the 6th person ask me if it was planned. It's always people I don't know very well (colleagues or friends of friends) and it was the first thing they asked after saying congratulations.

Wonder if it's because I'm not married (although I am in a very long term, stable relationship) - do people think you wouldn't start a family on purpose without being married so assume it must be an accident? Am I being too sensitive or is this a rude thing to ask someone?

OP posts:
Original poster
HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 14:05

Thanks for all the replies - making me laugh and Shock in equal measure!

OP posts:
Si1ver · 30/05/2018 14:08

I had this so much with my last pregnancy, which sadly ended in miscarriage, that I've already planned my response for your time.... "No, I tripped and fell into an IVF clinic and then accidentally threw all my money at them"

Si1ver · 30/05/2018 14:08

This time. Not your time.

WittyJack · 30/05/2018 14:08

"This tiny screamy constantly awake thing" - carbaholic, I didn't know you'd met my DD2 Wink

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 30/05/2018 14:09

When I was pregnant with my first I was asked, "Is it congratulations or commiserations?"

Kate123cl · 30/05/2018 14:14

I'm currently getting this a lot! Not married. I think people ask because I'm quite young. I think it's very rude!

AlbertaSimmons · 30/05/2018 14:14

I don't understand why it matters? It's here now, what difference does it make whether it was planned or not? Do they think the pregnant one is really going to say "god no it was a massive mistake and we're totally shafted but what can you do?" Why ask? And yes, it's rude.

PinkHeart5914 · 30/05/2018 14:14

Ahh I hate this! I’ve 3 dc under 3 years old and every pregnancy I have had this question.

Last pregnancy someone asked me when I was in a pissed off mood anyway so I said “ Well I fucked my dh with any protection, does that answer the question? “ she went a bit sheepish after 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 14:18

@Si1ver 😢 on your behalf :-(

I also hate people at work guessing if you’re trying, what business of yours is it if I use contraception or not?! And also asking if you are pregnant? Clearly people want to keep things quiet for a reason and will tell people when YOU want them to know.

AlbertaSimmons · 30/05/2018 14:18

And years ago I ran across the chap who bred our dog, which had just died. I said to him" Oh soandso, I've got bad news I'm afraid", to which he replied in all seriousness, "Oh no, you're not pregnant are you?" Hmm. Me: Confused. "Er no, the dog's died, but why would me being pregnant be the first thing that sprang to mind when I said I had bad news?" No real answer to that one. Bizarre.

TheDrinksAreOnMe · 30/05/2018 14:19

Course it's fucking rude

KnucklestheEchidna · 30/05/2018 14:20

I don't consider it rude.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 14:21

I've also been asked this lots, and I'm 30 and married so I don't think age or marital status makes much difference! I've noticed its almost all been slightly older (45 to 60 year old) women asking me, though I have no idea why. I agree that it's both weird and rude - I always feel like it implies we're doing something a bit stupid!

MaisyPops · 30/05/2018 14:22

I don't consider it rude
Seriously?!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 30/05/2018 14:24

YANBU, it's rude.

It never fails to amaze me what people think they can ask.

Aren't in a relationship? Tick tock, tick tock, you can't wait for ever, you know.

In a relationship but no kids? Any plans for the patter of tiny feet...?
Having a child? Was it planned?

Had a child? When are you having another?

Have two children? Are you going for a third?

It never stops and it's always bloody rude and intrusive, not to mention hugely failing to recognise that the person they're asking might have decided to be happily childfree/had a miscarriage/be battling infertility/coming to terms with not being able to have children.

Ataloss2567 · 30/05/2018 14:25

@BrightYellowDaffodil
Hit the nail on the head.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 14:25

I said to him" Oh soandso, I've got bad news I'm afraid", to which he replied in all seriousness, "Oh no, you're not pregnant are you?" hmm. Me: confused. "Er no, the dog's died, but why would me being pregnant be the first thing that sprang to mind when I said I had bad news?"

That is both really weird and so rude! I think asking someone if they're pregnant is one of the rudest things you can do - they either are and have chosen not to tell you, or they aren't and you have no idea how they'll feel about that question. A friend once told me that he was surprised to see me drinking 'as we've all been discussing it and we all thought you were pregnant' Shock. I blurted out the truth - that I had been pregnant but I wasn't any more - to shut him up, and it didn't work!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/05/2018 14:27

Them - 'oh spot the obvious mistake' or something along those lines

'cept for some of us are mistakes and we always knew it!

FreeMantle · 30/05/2018 14:28

I don't think it's rude eitheir.

Most of the female population will have kids at some point. Planned or unplanned is just a semi open question so you can bang on about trying for ages, or not having anything ready or being in shock/ delighted...or whatever.

TheVeryHungryBookworm · 30/05/2018 14:30

It is rude - but then so many questions to pregnant women seem to be. A cousin asked me (at a family funeral) if my husband was happy about the pregnancy Hmm

NataliaOsipova · 30/05/2018 14:33

It's rude! In almost all circumstances because it's none of anyone else's business.

Sugarskulllover · 30/05/2018 14:34

One of my friends was recently asked this. I told my DH and he said she should have responded with "no it wasn't and I'm not even 100% sure it's my husband's" just to see the look on the persons face!

Feb2018mumma · 30/05/2018 14:35

We got pregnant a month after we got married and all anyone said was 'that was quick' or 'you work fast' literally everyone! Whatever your situation silly people will have some opinion!

soapboxmum · 30/05/2018 14:36

MIL says this. I think it’s because her first pregnancy and SIL’s first pregnancy were unplanned. That’s the norm for them.

Lethaldrizzle · 30/05/2018 14:37

I wouldn't ask it but would not take offence in the least if I was asked