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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is it a bit rude to ask 'was your baby planned'?

207 replies

HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 13:47

Almost 6 months pregnant and, just had the 6th person ask me if it was planned. It's always people I don't know very well (colleagues or friends of friends) and it was the first thing they asked after saying congratulations.

Wonder if it's because I'm not married (although I am in a very long term, stable relationship) - do people think you wouldn't start a family on purpose without being married so assume it must be an accident? Am I being too sensitive or is this a rude thing to ask someone?

OP posts:

olderthanyouthink · 30/05/2018 16:24

@VogueVVague it's not so much the planned question it's the follow up that I kept getting implying that I am an idiot who didn't use contraception or used it wrong and didn't realise I would get pregnant.

Hideandgo · 30/05/2018 16:25

Or, alternatively, they themselves breastfed. Recognise how tough it can be. And might move the conversation on to a mutually shared experience depending on the answer.

vampirethriller · 30/05/2018 16:28

I'm 4 months pregnant and single, though I wasn't single when I got pregnant. I've been asked if I know who's it is, if it was planned, what colour will it be! (for the record it was planned but he then decided it wasn't actually in his plan and left for someone else, and we were trying for a long time)
It's rude. Only one person I've told has actually just said Congratulations!

Mumminmum · 30/05/2018 16:38

One of our neighbour's kept trying to push me to say that I wanted a daughter in my second pregnancy as we already had a son. But I just wanted a healthy baby. I know 100% that if I had agreed with her and we had another son, she would have said to his face that I had wanted a girl. Not really sad to have moved away from her.

Lethaldrizzle · 30/05/2018 16:45

I'm happy to talk about the conception, the birth, method of feeding, any more planned etc. But maybe I'm one of those annoying over sharers. Life's too short to get wound up by what some people perceive as intrusive questions. I can shut people down in a jiffy if I don't feel like sharing

musicinthe00ssucks · 30/05/2018 16:52

When I was pregnant with first DD (after some fertility treatment) and has begun to tell people I was expecting, some silly cow marched up to my desk and barked at me "congratulations. Planned?" I just looked at her coldly and replied "very much so".

My manager and I just looked at each other like WTF!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 16:52

Well, good for you. I'm not. And I don't see why it's my job to shut people down, rather than their job to not ask what most people (not 'some people') think of as rude questions. It's not like anyone's stopping you talking about it - you don't need to be asked. But I don't know why you're refusing to acknowledge that for some people this isn't just annoying, it's upsetting - do you really think other people's idle curiosity is more important than not upsetting people?

hammeringinmyhead · 30/05/2018 16:53

My mum asked while she was clinging onto my scan photo and sobbing tears of joy! I have spent 33 years adamant I didn't want any though, so I think she wanted to moderate her reaction in case it was pill failure or something.

AllMYSmellySocks · 30/05/2018 16:54

Bloody hell unless it was a very very very close friend or family member who regularly shared intimate details of their life with me I'd never ask that.

PickettBowtruckles · 30/05/2018 17:00

That was the first thing MIL said to us when we told her. We’d been married over a year by this point. I was so shocked I just mumbled yes and moved on. Still can’t get over how rude it was!

Andrewofgg · 30/05/2018 17:14

Joking apart - I have always understood that Congratulations and When’s ETA? is about all anyone, of either gender, should say.

cedartree12 · 30/05/2018 17:21

My parents both asked me this when I told them I was pregnant with very much planned DS. I was 29 and married. DM followed it with, 'well if you are happy about it, we are.'

lljkk · 30/05/2018 17:23

It's only rude if A) the person asking or B) the person being asked -- think that it's bad to have an unplanned baby and this means something bad about the person who is expecting unplanned baby.

Both of which are signs of high prejudice; 40% of people in world are results of unplanned pregnancies. It's completely ordinary to be result of unplanned pregnancy.

The prejudice is the problem, not the question.

lapenguin · 30/05/2018 17:27

I don't find it offensive if the person asking isn't coming across as judgemental. But I'm also an over sharer. My mum actually said 'in this day and age there is no such thing as an unplanned pregnancy' so I do find myself curious as to how common it is.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 17:32

It's only rude if A) the person asking or B) the person being asked -- think that it's bad to have an unplanned baby and this means something bad about the person who is expecting unplanned baby.

That's not true; there are lots of other reasons to not like this question. Lots of people on this thread have said they dislike being asked this after fertility struggles because it brings up a topic that they find painful, for instance.

Jozxyqk · 30/05/2018 17:33

It's rude. I used to get, at least twice a month, from a particular person at work, this charming phrase: "when are you going to get sprogged up?" For context, I'd been married a few years at that point. Rude. They're essentially asking about your sex life and, if the baby wasn't planned, some people might not be happy about it. My colleague asked for years when we were having one... we didn't know either, I didn't feel like discussing my fertility problems with her. In retrospect, maybe I should have embarrassed the nosy bitch into shutting her mouth.

Paleblue · 30/05/2018 17:36

No one ever asked me. Maybe it was obvious because I was single.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 17:40

Also, you don't have to think an unplanned pregnancy is a bad thing to think that sometimes it's a hard and stressful thing that someone would rather not talk about. My amazing nephew was very unplanned, and while clearly his conception was no bad thing - he's the absolute apple of his parents' eye - I don't think my SIL particularly relishes being reminded of the stress and worry they went through when figuring out what to do and whether or not to have an abortion when they first found out she was pregnant. I don't think that's an unreasonable position! Why should she have to either discuss that or make light of it with near strangers?

elliejjtiny · 30/05/2018 17:42

People asked me that with all of mine and I was married. Along with other gems like "I bet it's twins", "hope it's a girl", "who's the dad?" etc etc. Most upsetting comments were after dc4 was premature and I was pregnant with dc5. Lots of people thought " haven't you had that baby yet? " when I was 30 weeks pregnant and "I expect your hoping for another early one" we're appropriate comments.

lljkk · 30/05/2018 17:43

Being pg brings up fertility issues, it's a public proclamation that you had sex (or were impregnanted by other means).

It's not hard to deflect unwelcome questions in rest of life and provide only level of detail you want to share. There's nothing special about being preggos when it comes to personal info sharing.

caoraich · 30/05/2018 17:47

It's so rude!
I am in the same position as you - not married, but in a long term relationship (10 years!), both professionals in our 30s. It's always people I don't know very well too. No actual friends/relatives have asked this. They are well aware that we wouldn't be having a baby if we didn't want to be.

Depending on how much I like the person I have taken to looking a little bit taken aback then responding with
A) "Did you really just ask that!?" and laughing - or
B) "Are you asking about my sex life, my contraceptive choices, or both....?"

Crazy3 · 30/05/2018 17:52

It’s rude. Next time someone asks, ask them “why do you ask?”

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 17:54

Being pg brings up fertility issues, it's a public proclamation that you had sex (or were impregnanted by other means).

You make it sound like it's somehow impossible to not ask pregnant women rude and personal questions - it's actually really easy, and most people manage it just fine. It's an intrusive minority who ask this, not a standard question.

I just don't get why anyone is defending asking this when it's so clear that most people find it rude. Just keep your mouth shut, show a bit of self-control and don't blurt out the most inane question that's in your head at that precise minute! If a woman wants to talk to you about whether or not her pregnancy was planned she will (tellingly, they rarely will unless they're a close friend - because the vast majority of women don't want to discuss this stuff with acquaintances!).

Original poster

HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 17:55

@lljkk It's only rude if A) the person asking or B) the person being asked -- think that it's bad to have an unplanned baby and this means something bad about the person who is expecting unplanned baby

This isn't true. I'm sorry if my OP gave u this impression. I definitely don't think that and know quite a few unplanned babies who were very much wanted and loved by wonderful parents. And tbh I felt like it was the opposite with some of the people asking - as if it wasn't ok to plan a family if I'm not married.

I find it rude as I have had people I don't know very well asking a question which indirectly (actually probably pretty directly now I think about it!) asks about my sex life and contraceptive use!

OP posts:

lljkk · 30/05/2018 18:05

You had a sex life (probably) that's why you made a baby. You made the announcement, the person asking didn't announce you had a sex life.

"I'm getting married! But don't ask me how I met the fellow or why I like him, that might be same as asking about our sex life."

is equivalent.

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