Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it a bit rude to ask 'was your baby planned'?

207 replies

HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 13:47

Almost 6 months pregnant and, just had the 6th person ask me if it was planned. It's always people I don't know very well (colleagues or friends of friends) and it was the first thing they asked after saying congratulations.

Wonder if it's because I'm not married (although I am in a very long term, stable relationship) - do people think you wouldn't start a family on purpose without being married so assume it must be an accident? Am I being too sensitive or is this a rude thing to ask someone?

OP posts:
Sg1988 · 30/05/2018 16:00

Yes it is very rude and drove me mad when I got asked this when pregnant with DS. Like you Im not married but hace been with my partner for 12 years, own a house together and already have a daughter. Another one I got was 'how does DP feel about it?' When I told work colleagues I was pregnant. 'Err happy?' Was my response at the time because I couldn't think of anything quick enough to come back with.

StatisticallyChallenged · 30/05/2018 16:04

We had this:

First time - married 3 years, me 23, DH 31.
FIL "So was this what you wanted to do next" no you fanny I wanted a bloody puppy
Aunt "Is it congratulations or commiserations?"

This time - 8 years later...
FIL "So was this planned then?" Seriously man, we've managed not to have a second one for 8 years, I think I can safely say we know how contraception works at this point don't you!!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 16:05

I think maybe it's an easier question for you if you've had a nice easy journey to pregnancy - either a planned and easily conceived baby, or unplanned but a total 'happy surprise'. If you've had a horrible time getting pregnant or (I imagine - I haven't been in this situation) it was a shock pregnancy that you had to make tough choices about then it's not a nice happy memory for you, and it's not something you want brought up by random people, who you probably have no desire to discuss it with. However, while it may not be upsetting if all's easy for you, I maintain it's a rude question to ask anyone!

JacquesHammer · 30/05/2018 16:05

It's just people being friendly

People being friendly is "lovely news", "exciting times" etc.

"Was it planned" is very unimaginative and smacks of wanting a juicy titbit of gossip.

I stopped beating around the bush when people kept saying "oh time for another then".

"Actually I've just been diagnosed with infertility".

midnightmisssuki · 30/05/2018 16:06

My comeback was ‘are you asking me if I had unprotected sex?’ They stop asking soon after. No idea why - because I would have happily answered them....... Grin

RunningBean · 30/05/2018 16:07

The midwife asked this with DC 3 because of 1 year (planned!) age gap. Thought it was really inappropriate.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 16:08

Midwives have to ask, don't they? It's a standard question on my maternity notes.

JacquesHammer · 30/05/2018 16:09

Midwives have to ask, don't they? It's a standard question on my maternity notes

Midwives? Sure

Linda my PA? Less essential for her to know.

Agent13 · 30/05/2018 16:10

I was asked it by work colleagues with my first (planned) baby - we weren’t married then so yes I think that was a factor. So rude! I was flabbergasted that people would ask such a thing. Having number two soon and haven’t been asked it as much - got married in between so there you go.

Hideandgo · 30/05/2018 16:11

Runningbean it’s a very important question for Midwives due to the link between unplanned pregnancy and Pre/Post natal depression. Assessing a new mums need for support is an important part of their job and that question gives context.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 16:12

Sorry, jacques that was a direct response to the comment above mine, but I didn't indicate that. As you'll see throughout this thread, I very much agree with you that no one but the midwife should be asking!

Cornishclio · 30/05/2018 16:13

Yes it is rude and no one else's business. We had a short age gap between our 2 DDs and were asked several times if our 2nd was planned.

JacquesHammer · 30/05/2018 16:14

Sorry, jacques that was a direct response to the comment above mine, but I didn't indicate that. As you'll see throughout this thread, I very much agree with you that no one but the midwife should be asking

Definitely with you!

Spudlet · 30/05/2018 16:15

MiL asked us this! I was a bit ConfusedShock internally (I believe I kept my poker face intact externally). She meant well, but she could lack tact at times...

Oh, but the comments I got at work were awful - not about the planned-ness, but about my bump! I was quite slim, but had a HUGE bump and (apparently) no abdominal tone whatsoever so showed quite early Grin I probably did look a bit like a snake that had swallowed the Goodyear Blimp, but I really didn't need to be told quite as often as I was Hmm

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 30/05/2018 16:17

I remember loads of people asking this when my mum was pregnant with my brother! I was 8, and I was so confused about why people kept asking her this weird question. I probably caused some awkward moments going ‘Mummy, what does she mean? How do you plan a baby? Why do people keep asking you that? Mummy? Mummmyyyyy!’

Hideandgo · 30/05/2018 16:18

I’m not sensitive about being asked this kind of stuff at all. I guess for me it’s just not private info whereas for other people it is. For me it’s part of the backstory to our family and how we all came to be. I get a lot of ‘wow! You have your hands full’ which delights me because I do and it’s pretty lucky and special even if I’d decided I couldn’t handle a 4th and then had a slight contraceptive mishap. I always say he’s very special because he wasn’t planned. I just couldn’t imagine life without him. We’re lucky he insisted on existing anyway.

olderthanyouthink · 30/05/2018 16:19

I'm getting this a lot at the moment. Been with BF for 19 weeks and am 15 weeks pregnant Grin also I'm 22.

I find it offensive that people seem to think that I'm insane enough to have planned this or stupid enough not to use an contraception Hmm

Of course it wasn't bloody planned but we want the baby now so shut up asking intrusive questions.

Might start answering that I did it on purpose to trap myself a posh/rich guy.

Also "is your bf happy?"... Confused yes he is, no really... I mean it. Yes, I'm sure.

VogueVVague · 30/05/2018 16:20

Its because once you've asked "whens it due?" theres not really much else to say.

Bubblesblue · 30/05/2018 16:20

I got asked that question last week by a guy who came to quote for work Confused
I really don't know why he thought he needed to know. I chose to go ahead with a different company.

Andrewofgg · 30/05/2018 16:20

A colleague of mine answered that question (within earshot; I was not the one who asked) with a sweet smile and the words

No, we were trying out a new brand of condom and I have given it no stars on Amazon. Or it may have been my husband's fingernails. Now fuck off

which was a good answer!

VogueVVague · 30/05/2018 16:20

@olderthanyouthink
If you find that offensive life is probably going to be quite rough on you

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 16:21

Its because once you've asked "whens it due?" theres not really much else to say.

Then say 'congratulations' and then shut up?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 30/05/2018 16:22

I guess for me it’s just not private info whereas for other people it is. For me it’s part of the backstory to our family and how we all came to be.

Again, I suspect this is because there aren't any bad memories wrapped up in there for you. It feels a bit different to be asked this if there are.

myotherbagisgucci · 30/05/2018 16:23

It's as rude as non medical professionals asking if you're breastfeeding!

Everyone believes that it's their business to know if you are or not.

isthismummy · 30/05/2018 16:24

It’s very rude, but people do seem to lose all sense of what is appropriate when dealing with pregnant women.

I’m currently pregnant with twins and DH has had six people to date ask if they are IVF babies! As it happens they are, but I think it is so rude to ask.

I’ve managed to avoid the poking, prodding and rudeness so far. Mainly because I’m still managing to hide my bump quite well under floaty summer dresses. I know it won’t last forever though.