Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it a bit rude to ask 'was your baby planned'?

207 replies

HollyGoLoudly · 30/05/2018 13:47

Almost 6 months pregnant and, just had the 6th person ask me if it was planned. It's always people I don't know very well (colleagues or friends of friends) and it was the first thing they asked after saying congratulations.

Wonder if it's because I'm not married (although I am in a very long term, stable relationship) - do people think you wouldn't start a family on purpose without being married so assume it must be an accident? Am I being too sensitive or is this a rude thing to ask someone?

OP posts:
Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 14:38

It is rude but people say the stupidest things to pregnant women.

Oh you are carrying high/low/ready to pop/

We had twin girls after 4 dss, you can imaging the comments.,’you dirty bitch’ was one although I think meant in jest

Doesitfit88 · 30/05/2018 14:39

A school mum that I talk to is like this. She had just had her 3rd baby and we were talking and I said something like

'you've caught me up now we both have 3'

'yer well, mine were planned'

I replied with all the dignity I could 'so were mine you daft twat' luckily she thinks I'm funny but I meant every word haha.

She's a bit weird about other stuff too, she won't give her kids any fizzy drinks but will bring them sweets to eat in the car on the way home everyday🤔

OP it's rude to be asked so please be rude in your reply.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 14:41

Does thst is a really strange comment! She must see you as wild and free Grin but caught in the end Grin

UserV · 30/05/2018 14:43

@HollyGoLoudly

Yeah it's because you're not married that people ask.

It's got fuck-all to do with anyone though, and yes it IS rude to ask!

twobambinos · 30/05/2018 14:44

I'm married and I've had several people ask me if this one was planned. So I don't think it's because you aren't married op. This is our third maybe we have reached other people's quotas Grin it doesn't bother me but then something some would else would not get worked up over would drive me over the edge. Try not to let it bother you

FizzForLunch · 30/05/2018 14:45

Rude! Unmarried mum of a planned baby and I also got asked this when pregnant.

nuttyknitter · 30/05/2018 14:46

I had a third after a big gap. No one actually asked if it was planned but lots of people asked 'Are you pleased?'!

OliveOrTwist · 30/05/2018 14:47

Yes I've had this and find it so rude. I've found that nearly all the people who have asked are acquaintances like people I know through work or neighbours which makes it worse imo!

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 30/05/2018 14:47

Tbh I always wonder this about September babies but then again ds is a September baby....

zzzzz · 30/05/2018 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tink2007 · 30/05/2018 14:49

At my 6 week check after my DD was born, the GP said to me “Now let’s talk contraception so there are no more accidents”. I was 21 when she was born and she was absolutely a planned baby. I was furious.

Second DD there is a big age gap between the two. The midwife asked if she was planned. Again. Yes. Even if she wasn’t, what business is it of yours?

RedPandaMama · 30/05/2018 14:52

I had a lot of people ask this when I was pregnant, and even a few since I had my daughter. I think it's incredibly rude. I'll happily tell people how I got pregnant while still at university and I was only 21 when I had her, but when people ask 'was she planned or...?' it seems to equate to them that I care less about my daughter because she was unplanned.

smashhits90s · 30/05/2018 14:53

We all asked each other at a girly night. I don't really see a problem with it.

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 14:54

are you pleased polite way of asking was it planned

cjt110 · 30/05/2018 14:54

Get used to to rude and intrusive questions.... If you haven't already, the questions now will be "When are you having the next?"

We had this from when DS was maybe 2 months old. We only wanted one child. We don't want another. This didnt pacify many with responses of "Oh I'll give you 6 months before you're expecting" or "But they would love a brother/sister"

In the end I had to explain to people that I had been told I had potential fertility issues so from our viewpoint, we were very fortunate to have our son. That still didnt pacify some arseholes to which I bluntly replied "My mental health couldn't cope with another pregnancy and child"

user1457017537 · 30/05/2018 14:54

Are people really this rude! What has it got to do with them

KM99 · 30/05/2018 14:57

One of many rude questions people ask. Anyone got a good comeback?

When will you have children? (I'd had two miscarriages at this stage)

Was it planned? (Once I had my son)

When will you give you little boy a brother or sister? (I'm 42 and a half, we've been trying for a year but the odds aren't good)

People are so nosey when it comes to your reproductive state. I made the stupid mistake of telling my MIL we were trying again (she kind of blindsided me with the question) and ever since she asks all the time! Common sense might tell her to wait and see like the rest of us.

I've got a family do coming up in a couple of weeks and dreading it as I'm sure loads of people will ask.

Bearhunter09 · 30/05/2018 15:00

It’s rude. And insensitive just like other comments on people’s fertility,don’t leave it too late for another, he needs a sibling, don’t you think you have enough kids? Why people feel the need to comment is beyond me

Crunchymum · 30/05/2018 15:03

Got so sick of it with my 3rd (ironically unplanned) pregnancy that I tried out this little gem

Random work colleague: "wow number 3, accident I assume?"
Me: dead stare "yes complete accident but we found out too late for me to have an abortion. We may have it adopted though"
Random work colleague: Shock Shock
Me: "Just kidding"

Rude wanker.

Happinessisabook · 30/05/2018 15:06

Yeah there's so many awful comments. Ones I've had whilst pregnant and after my baby was born include:
Was it planned
Wow you're huge
I bet I could see you from space
Are you sure you're only 20w, I was that size when I went into labour (picture of me at 20w attachedHmm)
Are you really sure on the name/ what if they don't look like a 'name'
Are you breastfeeding (that one always bugs me, I'm trying but I couldn't breastfeed for the first 3w due to a really bad tongue tie so my milk supply isn't great, and i just feel like there's so much judgement attached to the question. When you say yes you always get a 'Oh well done' or something which bugs me)
How come you had a c section (well the doctor told me it was the safest way due to placenta praevia, so I wasn't going to risk it)
There's more but those are the main that have stood out. I think a lot of it is just that it's really none of their business.

or is it a bit rude to ask 'was your baby planned'?
Shattered04 · 30/05/2018 15:07

We wanted four, we were lucky enough to get four. DC4 came along after 14 months of serious trying, including a loss and investigations (privately) so she was very, very wanted.

Which is probably why I get extremely touchy whenever people comment "oh, nothing on the telly?" or "you know what causes that, right?" and so on and so forth.

Yes, they're just making conversation but I'd never dream of saying anything like that to anyone - it's just rude! Bad enough the "oh! you've got your hands full!" comments.

You're right - it's never people who know you well. Probably because I'd not want to get to know anyone better who comes out with thoughtless crap like this!

StaplesCorner · 30/05/2018 15:08

Yep, I had all this, I was 37, 3 months gone and had been married 13 years, so I had a significant number of people asking "Sp are you going to keep it"? Literally asking me if I was telling them because then I would like to chat about a termination with them, nothing to do with me announcing the joy of being pregnant.

Pregnancy does strange things to people, and I don't mean the expectant parents!

Lethaldrizzle · 30/05/2018 15:11

Im not sure it's that rude. People are interested - so What?

Lifeaback · 30/05/2018 15:12

From a close friend/family member and veiled under something like ‘had you been trying long etc- totally fine

From a stranger? How rude! Ive never been asked this thankfully because I would definitely snap! I would be tempted to reply with ‘did you mean to be so rude’

Lethaldrizzle · 30/05/2018 15:14

This isn't Victorian England