or is it a bit rude to ask 'was your baby planned'?

[HollyGoLoudly]

Almost 6 months pregnant and, just had the 6th person ask me if it was planned. It's always people I don't know very well (colleagues or friends of friends) and it was the first thing they asked after saying congratulations.

Wonder if it's because I'm not married (although I am in a very long term, stable relationship) - do people think you wouldn't start a family on purpose without being married so assume it must be an accident? Am I being too sensitive or is this a rude thing to ask someone?

I got from a girl at baby group “is it you husbands?!”

I replied with “No, it’s your husbands.”

@stupidwispyhair, I've had that. People trying to figure out what TYPE of single parent I am, if in the course of an initial conversation I don't oblige them by making it clear enough. They need to know if I was married and what my x does (even though we don't see him). The request seems to be, please give me the info I need to pigeon hole you more accurately

Slightly different tack, I know, but always makes me chuckle. A friend of mine is a secondary teacher. Thirty odd, married for many years and goes by Mrs X etc - absolutely nothing that anyone could be surprised about. When she announced she was pregnant, one of the boys in her class asked "Does the father know?". Her response? "No, James, I thought you should be he first to know." Bloody brilliant!

@notumbongounchained !! that was a great answer to a weird question!

We must give off a swinger vibe!

I think it’s really rude.

I was asked this with our first child. We got engaged, had a baby and then got married. We planned to do it in this order and were lucky to fall pregnant how we planned it. A few cheeky people asked if it was planned including my mil!!! She actually asked "how did this happen?". We'd been together 8 years so hadn't exactly just met!

Our second child we accidentally fell pregnant with a month after our wedding, we were planning another child but it happened sooner (6 months or so) than planned. Not a single person (apart from a couple of close friends who knew what age gap we were aiming for) said anything. Everyone assumed it was planned because we'd just got married. My mil didn't ask how it'd happened second time either, maybe she'd read up on it ?!

I've asked people if they were pleased, after saying Congratulations. I really hope no one thought I was being rude.

I ask because I had horrendous mental health issues with DS (4) that no one seemed to think I had any right to have (because if you're a married 20-something why wouldn't you be thrilled about accidentally becoming pregnant) and I really struggled with almost everyone telling me how it was about time and I must be so pleased and excited.

I really hate to think of anyone having to pretend to be happy, even if I don't know them that well.

I had this! First from my brother which I didn't mind. Then from a random work colleague which I thought was very rude but I couldn't think of a good come back. I also think it's because I'm not married. I would never ask someone such a personal question!

The moral outrage on here is real eye opener and a lesson for me on how not to talk to other women!

Do you often ask other women how often they’re having sex or what kind of contraception they’re using?

I got asked once if I'd planned to have twins . . . Not sure if she thought you just put in an order. I got asked if it was planned and if they were natural twins. Which I was always temped to answer no mine are robotic but I was typically british and usually swerved the question.

When I had my first missed miscarriage I had medical management in hospital which very nearly killed me. I needed surgery and blood transfusions to save my life and obviously, I had also lost my baby so was in a bad place. Believe it or not, a consultant came into the room the following morning with two students and asked me if the pregnancy was planned. I wasn’t thinking straight so said not really, no and she told me to ‘take precautions so this didn’t happen again’. Essentially blamed me for causing my ‘unplanned miscarriage’. It wasn’t planned but was very much wanted and her comment left me in floods of tears.

It is actually none of anyone’s business whether a pregnancy was planned or not. The fact you are still pregnant answers the question “do you want this baby or not?” and that is all that matters.

I don't see what's wrong with this question at all. It's quite straightforward really. Just trying to find out if you're happy and congratulations are in order, or if you're sick to death of hearing positive remarks coz actually you'd wanted to wait til after you'd been on that long holiday, travelled the world, got promoted, moved house or whatever else was going on in your life.

I really don't see it as a rude question at all, just a conversation starter and something to help the person get to empathise with your situation.

It probably says something about how they view the idea of being pregnant too. If the idea is abhorrent/alien to them, their first reaction probably isn't that congratulations are in order, coz they're thinking if the reverse situation were true they'd be bricking themselves.

It's just human nature, innit?!

I look quite young (about 18-19) even though I am nearly 30. I had 'was it planned' so often. But ruder still was 'is the father around...?' and after ds was born I was entering into a new profession unmarried and people always assumed I was a single mother and congratulating me on 'doing something with my life.'

Nothing wrong or unusual about being a single mother or having an unplanned baby. But men never get these comments do they? People never say to my dp 'Oh well done on working Mr blondie, how are you coping? Is the mother around to help?'

I always thought it was a pretty blunt question so gave an equally blunt answer: Well we had lots and lots of unprotected sex and were confident that this was one possible outcome
Was asked as a 29 year old unmarried mother, and at 37 when DP had become DH.

I don’t think it’s rude and think people are trying to make conversation. People often feel uncomfortable when told of a pregnancy as really it’s nothing to them and they don’t care at all but are expected to say something.

Its incredibly rude. I'm pregnant with DC3 with a 6 year gap between DS2 and this one. Everyone assumes it was an accident, when in actual fact it was the end of a looong discussion and debate because we weren't sure if it was the right thing for us.

I totally expected to have to answer the "was it planned?" question, but not from my boss. I started answering with equally rude responses, like "no, we didn't realise how they were made" or "yes, of course, we were at it like rabbits". If people ask a rude question they should expect a rude answer.

@LeeValley2 the appropriate response is 'congratulations'. I don't know why anyone thinks it's appropriate to ask if a pregnancy is planned 😂

I hate it because I was raped when I conceived. Strangers who have been rude enough to ask have got the truth. It makes them uncomfortable but tough, don't ask then!

I am married and pregnant and get asked this all the time - I find it VERY rude. I’ve actually had people assume baby WASN’T planned and had to correct them. Perhaps because I fell pregnant shortly after wedding. Just so fucking rude people need to mind their business. Would love to hear any more excellent put down remarks for this comment. That and the whole “are you sure it’s not twins?” Insult. yes i am fucking sure

To my shame, I have actually asked this once. It was a colleague who I (thought I) knew pretty well, who had always been very anti-children, and had been married for years already. I was just so surprised, it was the last thing I expected her to say! I still feel terrible about asking. She did say she'd become very suddenly broody, explaining the change of heart.

One of those things you replay in your mind years later and wish you could stop yourself saying it...

It is rude. Though to be fair, after “oh my god!” It was the first thing out of my mum’s mouth when I announced I was pregnant with my first. I was 32 at the time, she knew we had been planning to try, good professional career, happily married. She couldn’t have been more planned frankly!

When I mentioned we were planning to try for our 2nd, she told me not to “rush into it”. We had a 5 year age gap between our two and I was 37!

I think some people don’t know what to say sometimes so they say something stupid. Similarly, people often ask me (2nd dc is now 3 months old), “are you breastfeeding?” (I don’t mean like other mums at baby group, I mean like random people I might meet on the street). I am and I’m happy to say I am, but it’s quite a personal and presumptuous question to ask a relative stranger!

I would never ask anyone this. If it was a close friend they would have included telling me about any worries they had, if not a close friend it’s downright impertinent.

Also I've found that the couple of people I know that have had fertility issues (years of trying and ivf) have pretended to the outside world that they weren't interested in having kids as it protects them from the incessant 'when are you having a baby?' questions.

What's wrong with just saying "Congratulations!"