or is it a bit rude to ask 'was your baby planned'?

[HollyGoLoudly]

Almost 6 months pregnant and, just had the 6th person ask me if it was planned. It's always people I don't know very well (colleagues or friends of friends) and it was the first thing they asked after saying congratulations.

Wonder if it's because I'm not married (although I am in a very long term, stable relationship) - do people think you wouldn't start a family on purpose without being married so assume it must be an accident? Am I being too sensitive or is this a rude thing to ask someone?

I don't ask it myself in case, but I didn't mind when people asked me. 2 of my 3 were unplanned anyway 🙈🙈

Here are a few more:

"Is your DH ok with it, I mean, he's so young?" (He was 31)

"You must have miscounted the weeks and are much further along, you're really big"

"You're probably having twins, they must have missed the other one in the scan."

"Your belly looks pointy, that will NOT be a natural birth."

"Why is he crying? Mine never cried. Put a hat on him."

"Here is a bag of baby rice, he's ready for that now, never mind what the NHS says". (He was 3 mo old.)

"Why are you not giving him chocolate yet?" (6 mo.)

"He's too fat, stop giving him so much fruit and veg and milk" (from the same person as the chocolate comment above)

"Don't pick him up whenever he cries, you're spoiling him."

"BFing on demand means he'll grow up with no schedule of meals."

"BFing on demand means he'll grow up with an oral addiction like thumb sucking and later smoking".

"My father (who is 90) has a serious disease. I think your DS might have the same." (From someone who has not seen DS in almost a year, and has no medical training whatsoever.)

FUCK THE FUCK OFF!!!

I had this with DS after several miscarriages.

"Was this one planned?"
"You're pregnant? Congratulations or commiserations?"
"I'll keep my congratulations until you're further along so I don't upset you"

I had this when I became pregnant after a 10 year gap (and 5 miscarriages). It is rude and potentially upsetting.

It's rude.

Correct response; "Yes, were you?"

I have asked this once. A niece of mine had a on again off again relationship, was living in a tiny room away from family and support and was still studying. It wasn't planned.

"Are you asking if I intentionally had unprotected sex with my partner?"

I was asked this too. Long term relationship, lived together ages, married etc.!

Best come back: oh no it was a drunken one night stand!

Agree it's rude, and quite a weird thing to need to know. I'm married and people still asked 🤔 I never did figure out how to respond!

I just respond with the truth. Either yes or no

It's rude. But then as soon as you get pregnant and then have a baby it was just the start of the rude questions. Also as soon as DS was born I had people asking my when I was going to have another and lecturing me on how important it is for a child to have a sibling

Now I am pregnant with no. 2 I have had one person who has been quite horrified that I'm pregnant again!

We all asked each other at a girly night. I don't really see a problem with it.

This is really different, though. No one's complaining about discussing it with a close friend, which is different (though I still wouldn't ask unprompted) - it's the random acquaintances who come out with this who should mind their own business!

My friends asked me yesterday, I didn't find it rude because I know they are lovely and I didn't look super happy (I'm just weird/nervous about telling people but am actually super happy)

Rude. None of anyone’s business except maybe if they’re an HCP who needs to know if you’ve been boozing/taking folic acid or something.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Jane Austen novel

I also got asked a lot at work, which made me feel really uncomfortable - a bit like I'd done something wrong by getting pregnant, and so they needed to know whether to attribute it to malice or stupidity!

Lethal does it occur to you that if almost everyone else thinks it's rude and inappropriate then maybe it, even if it wouldn't bother you personally? What is and isn't rude is always going to be a majority opinion, not a matter of objective fact!

A friend asked me whether my second pregnancy (Married 6 years, had a 2.5 year old) was planned. I asked whether she was asking whether I’d deliberately had unprotected sex with my husband and she said yes so I confirmed it was true.

I got asked on a FB post recently....

Why do you care, why does it matter, in what way is it appropriate to ask? I replied that we'd always hoped for 2.

I’m pregnant with my third and my announcement is usually greeted with ‘are you bonkers’, ‘wasn’t it planned?’ And ‘congratulations’... often in that order

(Yes, not particularly, thank you...)

It's just people being friendly

It really isn't friendly to do something that - as this thread attests - most people find weird and intrusive. It's nosy and risks upsetting someone to satisfy your own idle curiosity.

I also really hate people commenting on the timing of my due in July baby - either 'you planned that well!' (we both work in education) or 'aren't you worried about a summer born baby at school?'. We didn't plan it at all, because this baby took us 18 months and three miscarriages and these comments always vaguely upset me.

Yes extremely rude to ask that question.

Never bothers me. It’s a really simple question with a very simple and non-negative answer. 3 were planned and 1 was not😂. It is relevant in how people chat to you about the pregnancy once they know that. The planned ones get a ‘so exciting but you are mad’ and the unplanned one gets a supportive understanding giggle.

Nobody is thinking anything bad either way. It’s just context. And unplanned doesn’t equal unwanted.