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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with (extremely) new partner. Fuck.

204 replies

Llamaface123 · 16/05/2018 22:28

DH left 2 years ago. Have rebuilt my life with DS (6) and he sees him a few times a week.
I started seeing someone late December. He is a friend of a friend and she set us up.
It's been wonderful. He is lovely and has made it clear that he sees us having a future together.
I have been feeling sick for a couple of days and my breasts are very tender. Yes, you guessed it...im pregnant.
We are incredibly careful so I don't know what has happened. We have never-and I mean never-had sex without a condom.
I don't know what to do. DS has no idea that this guy is even part of my life (I only see him when DS is at his dad's). Im in a complete muddle and I need to know if I have more options than not having the baby. It's too soon/how would DS cope/ logistics.
The thing is I want the baby. I've been broody for a long time and while it's early days, I really do love my new partne, but are my hormones clouding rational judgement?
It's a bad idea, isn't it??
Fuck shit bollocks.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/05/2018 22:31

You have experience of being a single parent. You need to work out if you’re up for that if things go wrong with the new man. It’s a gamble, but it’s not out of the question.

Can you work out how far along you are?

bonfireheart · 16/05/2018 22:31

I find getting things out helps me think, process and plan. Get a piece of paper and writing down everything you're thinking, from the smallest detail to the biggest thought, to the practical and the emotional and everything in between. Get your thoughts together and think about next steps for each of these things.
Does DP know?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 16/05/2018 22:32

Realistically yes, it's an awful idea.

You don't know your new boyfriend well enough after just five months, your DS doesn't know he exists (for good reason as it's way to early) and the upheaval of a new man plus child would completely change his world. He should be your priority in all this.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2018 22:34

The question here is can you go it alone? Your relationship is too new to know how he will react, how the relationship will develop and cope with your pregnancy and how it will evolve after the baby is here.

As such, you need to decide can uou go it alone?

mistermagpie · 16/05/2018 22:35

I know someone who was in exactly your position although my friend is the dad of the baby, (so in the same boat as your partner).

Their baby is 8 months old now and they are making a go of it and living together. They are really very happy as a family. So it can work, although I would be prepared to be a single parent when making the decision.

What does your partner say?

GummyGoddess · 16/05/2018 22:36

Does your partner know?

Passthecake30 · 16/05/2018 22:37

If he's lovely and sees you having a future together as you put it, it might not be that bad...
I'd tell him asap tbh. No point in stewing.

Ragusa · 16/05/2018 22:37

It may not be an awful idea if the guy is a good'un. 6 mohts is short but I've heard worse. It would be a shock for your boy though. Not the baby element -babies are always a shock for existing kids, but the fact that this new man would (presumably) become much more present in his home and his life.
How old are you?

BarbarianMum · 16/05/2018 22:38

If you want the baby and feel you could manage a second as a single parent, have the baby. All I'd say is don't let your pregnancy rush you into moving your relationship on more quickly than you would if you were not pregnant. No quick moving in together, no hasty marriage. See what sort of dad he makes before deciding whether he's the right long term partner fpr you.

Luisa27 · 16/05/2018 22:38

A good friend of mine found herself in an identical situation.....fast forward 6 years...they’re a lovely little family and very happy

Take time to think OP - it’s not what you planned but equally it doesn’t have to be a disaster Flowers

Ragusa · 16/05/2018 22:39

And... don't be hard on yourself. You took precautions. It's just one of those things, although a bit of a fuckshitbollocks moment I grant you 😁

Furano · 16/05/2018 22:44

Well I’d have an abortion, but I’m not you!

Have a good think about what you want now and in the future, what would be best for your DS and if you could do it alone if the new man isn’t interested.

Good luck coming to a position of happiness whatever you choose

DotCottonssoggyfag · 16/05/2018 22:45

I fell pregnant 3 months after meeting my partner and we are really happy with our little family. It can work !

beargryllshasabigrope · 16/05/2018 22:46

I've been in a very similar situation to you. Fell pregnant while in a FWB relationship and now 3 years & another baby down the line we are married and incredibly happy. Eldest child (not DHs) was, and still is, the best big brother in the world.

It doesn't work for everyone, and you have to be prepared to go it alone if it doesn't, but it can work if everyone wants it to (and you're all nice decent people etc etc).

Congratulations and best of luck for the future Thanks

Porgs · 16/05/2018 22:51

If you and your partner want the baby then go for it! Would he be a good dad even if you broke up?

As far as your son goes- if you are keeping the baby then introduce him to your partner very soon. Let him get used to the idea of a partner before he finds out about the baby. Hold off telling him for as long as you can. A couple of months is a long time for a 6 year old

TigerlilyMoon · 16/05/2018 22:51

Yeah tricky one but hey ho when does life ever run smooth!! Confused

In my opinion, you obviously have everything sorted (for the most part) with your ex, your son has a present father. If it doesn't work out with you and this chap (worst case scenario) as long as you strongly feel he's a good guy and hasn't got any weird baggage or dodgy skeletons then go for it!

Wish you all the best! X

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 16/05/2018 22:51

This was me a year ago OP although my dc was 5... and a year later me and my partner are sat on the sofa with our baby between us. I was devastated when I found out, it was too soon in the relationship I was worried about my first dc but things have worked out and I couldn't be happier.

I know it sounds daft seeing as your pregnant but my advice is don't rush anything, my dp didn't move in until a few weeks before baby arrived as I wanted time for me and dc to adjust, plus knowing I could cope as a single parent helped me. Wish you the best of luck op however things turn out Flowers

Original poster
Llamaface123 · 16/05/2018 22:51

New partner is blissfully unaware. Not seeing him until the weekend and a) its not something I want to share over phone/by message and b) I've not yet got my head around it.

In 36; partner is 39. I have medical issues which meant getting pregnant with DS was a miracle so I don't know how this has happened.
I know he wants kids but would be fine if he didnt. It's genuinely not something we've spent time discussing as it's such early days.

I know id be fine on my own with DS and a baby. It would be hard going but manageable.

I just want to do right by DS. I don't want to upset or confuse him. I know kids are resilient but he's a sensitive soul and it's usually just him and me. I don't know how he would feel.if we brought a new sibling into the mix, especially when the dad isn't living with us. I know famies come in all shapes and sizes but that's a lot to take at 6.

But I think about baby cuddles and how much fun it can be (not teething, teething can go fuck itself) and i get all gooey.

Fuck.

OP posts:
Ragusa · 16/05/2018 22:51

There are no guarantees that kids born into longstanding relationships will have stereotypical 2 parent perfect families for their whole childhood in any case. Far from it. Don't be fooled into contrasting your situation with this often-fictitous 'ideal situation' when making your decision.

Vangoghsear · 16/05/2018 22:53

I suggest you talk to BF and take it from there, obviously it's your decision but his reaction might help you make that decision.

SirVixofVixHall · 16/05/2018 22:57

If you want the baby, you want the baby. Not everything happens at the perfect time. I have a friend who ( having been told she would have problems getting pregnant ) found herself pregnant 8 weeks into a new relationship. That was over two decades ago and they are still happily together. I wish you the best of luck.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 16/05/2018 22:58

Kids are resilient and your ds may love having a baby brother or sister.

Talk it over with your partner but it honestly sounds like you want this baby, the unplanned ones are the best ones ime 😉 congratulations.

Ragusa · 16/05/2018 22:58

Ok, in light of your post about health and conception issues, if you want another baby and your partner does too then, well... that does make things simpler to my mind.

Your son will cope. And might very well love having a new sibling. You have 9 whole months to introduce DP before the baby would be born.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 16/05/2018 23:00

I think you sound a little excited op. This is a wanted baby by you. Ds will be fine. He'll be a big brother. Good luck with the talk you have coming up. You'll have people who will judge. But let them!

beargryllshasabigrope · 16/05/2018 23:03

You're going to be fine, and your DS will be fine! It sounds like you've given him a good grounding and a loving upbringing and he will give all of that to his little sibling. It'll all be ok - everything always works out in the end and you sound like you really want this baby.