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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with (extremely) new partner. Fuck.

204 replies

Llamaface123 · 16/05/2018 22:28

DH left 2 years ago. Have rebuilt my life with DS (6) and he sees him a few times a week.
I started seeing someone late December. He is a friend of a friend and she set us up.
It's been wonderful. He is lovely and has made it clear that he sees us having a future together.
I have been feeling sick for a couple of days and my breasts are very tender. Yes, you guessed it...im pregnant.
We are incredibly careful so I don't know what has happened. We have never-and I mean never-had sex without a condom.
I don't know what to do. DS has no idea that this guy is even part of my life (I only see him when DS is at his dad's). Im in a complete muddle and I need to know if I have more options than not having the baby. It's too soon/how would DS cope/ logistics.
The thing is I want the baby. I've been broody for a long time and while it's early days, I really do love my new partne, but are my hormones clouding rational judgement?
It's a bad idea, isn't it??
Fuck shit bollocks.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 17/05/2018 16:51

I had PND with DS but I figure that the dr will simply medicate me during my pregnancy to stop that happening again.

I had PND too. Expect your dr to be a bit cautious about this. They don't like to give any meds during pregnancy but some antidepressants have fairly good safety data for use in pregnancy.

You are in a tough spot, but I think on balance you're in a good position to have the baby if you want to. It's always an adjustment for an only child to get a new sibling, but kids are malleable. Just try to keep some mom time for him as much as possible after his new brother or sister arrives.

Good luck. Flowers

YearOfYouRemember · 17/05/2018 17:23

I hope he takes it well and all works out. Try not to worry about your DS. Kids are programmed to surprise us…

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/05/2018 17:46

GreenTulips You’re right, it does take two to tango. But only one person to abort... women have an extra way to get out of becoming a parent and rightly so, and no man should ever have a say, an opinion but never a say. But, he should be able to walk away and not pay a penny if he decides straight away he doesn’t want a child. He wouldn’t have a say if he did want the child and the op didn’t, so why not a way for men to get out.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/05/2018 18:00

Let’s not forget, they were using protection in the form of a condom, there is no other way for a man to protect himself from getting a woman pregnant. Sure, he could avoid sex all together, but where is the fun in that?

GreenTulips · 17/05/2018 18:03

so why not a way for men to get out

Because MOST of the time wether the man wanted the baby or not it's the female left to 80% of the work.

If he wanted the baby and OP didn't would he actually look after the baby full time? Probably not

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/05/2018 18:04

GreenTulips Ahh so you that all men with the same brush? Many men have taken on their children when their partner has walked out etc the point is, a man cannot stop a woman from having an abortion so how do we know if they would step up?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/05/2018 18:05

Tar* not that.

MissConductUS · 17/05/2018 18:56

Quack, it's not about what's fair to the father, it's about what's in the best interests of the child that he helped create.

Actions have consequences.

NellMangel · 17/05/2018 19:22

I am a broody single parent, if this happened to me there'd be a large part of me that was very happy. I do appreciate it's totally different actually being in your situation though.

I love being single and don't think co parenting necessarily means a rushed wedding and moving in together.

The drawbacks for me would be the father is part of your life forever, if he turns out to be a nob it can be a huge pain in the arse.

BewareOfDragons · 17/05/2018 21:08

No, of course all children don't receive love and support from both parents. BUT THEY SHOULD! 'Should' was my operative word.

Parents shouldn't get to opt out. Men do have a choice, albeit at the penultimate stage of the decision making ... the decision to have sex knowing that, even with precautions, a pregnancy could result. The ultimate decision is then the woman's as it needs to be.

CandiedPeach · 17/05/2018 21:30

But, he should be able to walk away and not pay a penny if he decides straight away he doesn’t want a child. He wouldn’t have a say if he did want the child and the op didn’t, so why not a way for men to get out.

I’ve seen this argument before, but how exactly would it work QuackPoridgeBacon? Married couple two kids, using contraception but wife gets pregnant with a third and doesn’t want to abort and they split up, so you’d be ok with him paying for and having contact with two kids and not the third? Or a couple trying for a baby, she gets pregnant and he no longer wants it. He says they were never trying, she says they were, how does that work?
How could either of them prove condoms were or weren’t always worn? If they were worn, it would be down to the male more than the female to ensure they were used correctly and no holes in after etc, how could he prove that was the case? Who's to say he didn’t notice it had a hole and never said anything, who’s to say they weren’t out of date and he never checked.

Apologise for derailing Op, but it’s a argument that bugs me.

I think from your posts you want to keep the baby and if you’re able to love and care for him/her then I think that’s all there is to it. I hope the talk goes well and although he’ll likely be shocked, I hope he’s supportive and you manage to work it out together Flowers

ZanyMobster · 17/05/2018 21:57

Dh and I had been together 7 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I had split up with XH 8 weeks before so it waa all very quick. We have been together 13 years now and married for 8. It can work out even when it's early on.

MissConductUS · 17/05/2018 23:00

Apologise for derailing Op, but it’s a argument that bugs me.

Me too. And what kind of arse wouldn't care how his own son or daughter grew up?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/05/2018 23:50

CandiedPeach I agree with what you are saying and all of those issues would be tricky to deal with. The point is though, women have a way to get out of continuing a pregnancy no matter what the father wants, yet men have nothing? Imagine wanting that baby so badly and then finding out it’s about to be aborted, that would crush you. So why is there no way for a man to get out of it? I don’t for one minute believe men should ever have a say on abortions though, but surely something? For situations like the ops maybe signing away all rights is a way to go? Married couples already with children is difficult but married couples with children do have women aborting so why not a man walking away? I understand it would be incredibly hard on the child who isn’t wanted by one parent but surely that would factor in to the decision making? I don’t have the answers obviously but there has to be something for men?

abbsisspartacus · 18/05/2018 00:04

I have three kids two different dad's they were good at being a dad after we split until they got into new relationships now I have one who hasn't seen/ paid for 15 years and one who has sort of continued seeing but not bothered paying and has also quit his job now so I get fuck all I work and I'm currently ferrying the younger two too and from daddy to support contact

My point is men can walk away if they like but as a mother I cannot their welfare is my responsibility after the first one I vowed not to have more unless I was prepared to go it alone and here I am Angry

CandiedPeach · 18/05/2018 00:29

For situations like the ops maybe signing away all rights is a way to go?

Well I completely disagree QuackPorridgeBaconand for a number of reasons. Not least, because it would only be right that the father made his decision before the pregnancy went past abortion limits, so then the mother could make a fully informed decision. But what if he changed his mind? What if once he got his head round things he wanted to know his child? What you suggest would be taking away all future rights to his own child before it’s even born.
Like I said, that’s just one of many reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea. But I don’t think the Op’s thread is the place for this conversation.

rightwellthen · 18/05/2018 00:34

Hi OP- just want to say me and DH of many years got pregnant 4 months into dating. We are really happy and wouldn't change a thing

MissConductUS · 18/05/2018 01:06

I don’t have the answers obviously but there has to be something for men?

There is. It's called zipper control. Unless you can prove you provided the sperm under duress you have no argument.

As I said earlier, your right to equal control over the course of events is not a consideration. The welfare of the child is paramount.

MrsCatE · 18/05/2018 02:28

Llama tell us all went well, please?! Not only with new Bloke but pregnancy?? Fingers crossed for your wishes!!!

slowlywiltingpetal · 18/05/2018 03:07

I would say talk it through with him, as it's a shock to both of you.

If this is a bit of a miracle, just think that fate has given you the opportunity you never thought you'd have.

Your DC won't be traumatised, as much as any other child their age who gets a sibling. If anything they're at a great age to play a part in it all as an older sibling.

Yes it could be tough, but at the same time you've done it before, some men are hands on, some aren't. If you have health issues you could look into Direct Payments to help with care anyway, I've known a few women who got given extra hours to support them with a new baby.

As someone who's needed fertility treatment, I would count this as a blessing, as you don't know if it's going to happen again. If DP wants children, ok it's fairly early in your relationship, but there's never really a good time to start TTC. Yes ok, maybe when you're at the beginning you would wait a bit longer, I also think everything happens for a reason.

Being pregnant doesn't mean he has to move in and play a big part in it all. It doesn't mean you have to get married.

Would something you could say be I'm not expecting full commitment, that would be nice as we've got a connection, but we could see how things go & if they don't work out romantically I'd hope we could still be friends, you play as big or little a part in this as you want. Slowly introduce DC to them if they're happy with that.

I guess I look like a total optimist, I just think given your circumstances, how would you feel if you never got the chance again?

Quantumblue · 18/05/2018 03:42

I think you have three aspects to take into account. 1. Ds, his needs and feelings. 2. The idea of a baby - how important is it to you and can you meet the baby's needs as a single parent? 3. The new partner - could this be a long term relationship with or without the baby? Good luck - I hope it all works out.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 18/05/2018 05:49

you've always used a condom and you still got pregnant. that's terrible. gosh. I agree about writing down everything you feel. then give yourself space until you see him. on friday night you ask him about kids, whether he wants them or not, it's the night to ask all of these things and get it open. this wouldn't have happened, but, it has. then if he says no, you decide what you want to do unpressured. and you dont need to tell him, you will be left holding this reality, and if you decide to have an abortion you need to get it fast tracked asap. asap. personally i would arrange one now. they can take a week or so, so get this moving and leave yourself the option. in your situation, i'd back out, unless i was totally in love- which is a madness in itself. i hope you have someone to hold your hand through this.

abbsisspartacus · 18/05/2018 06:31

Do you even know how far gone you are

Sagegreen · 18/05/2018 06:49

It's early days, there are no guarantees of anything but honestly it all sounds positive! One thing though...don't wait to tell him as he will ask you when you found out and if you say almost 2 weeks ago I think it could be upsetting and would look like you did not automatically consider him a part of it. You didn't get pregnant by yourself- I urge you to phone him, good luck.

DinosApple · 18/05/2018 06:52

Taking your DP out of the equation for a bit.

Congratulations!
You want the baby.
You and your son will adapt.
He's old enough that you will still be your little team, even after the baby arrives.

People saying you should abort because of your existing child are wrong. You want the baby. That is key.

If you terminate a much wanted pregnancy that will cause you problems emotionally. That really will affect your son..