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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with (extremely) new partner. Fuck.

204 replies

Llamaface123 · 16/05/2018 22:28

DH left 2 years ago. Have rebuilt my life with DS (6) and he sees him a few times a week.
I started seeing someone late December. He is a friend of a friend and she set us up.
It's been wonderful. He is lovely and has made it clear that he sees us having a future together.
I have been feeling sick for a couple of days and my breasts are very tender. Yes, you guessed it...im pregnant.
We are incredibly careful so I don't know what has happened. We have never-and I mean never-had sex without a condom.
I don't know what to do. DS has no idea that this guy is even part of my life (I only see him when DS is at his dad's). Im in a complete muddle and I need to know if I have more options than not having the baby. It's too soon/how would DS cope/ logistics.
The thing is I want the baby. I've been broody for a long time and while it's early days, I really do love my new partne, but are my hormones clouding rational judgement?
It's a bad idea, isn't it??
Fuck shit bollocks.

OP posts:
Icklepickle101 · 17/05/2018 08:21

Haven’t RTFT as 2 year old DS in leaping around.

I split up with ex in July, met DP late September and got a positive pregnancy test mid November- oops! Although not ideal circumstances I couldn’t go through with an abortion after having fertility problems conceiving DS I knew it was a miracle baby and I probably wouldn’t get another chance. He was less keen but supportive. Since then he’s been away for 4 months with work which hasn’t left much ‘getting to know each other time’ but now I’ve only got a few weeks left we are both very excited and 100% know it was the right decision for us.

My view was if this relationship doesn’t work out can I be a single parent to 2 children, that would be worse case scenario and I knew I’d be fine and as it is me and DP are very happy but it hasn’t been easy!

Italiangreyhound · 17/05/2018 08:24

I meant @diddl, it' likely to be a good thing for they boy long term (although I 'hated' my sister when she first arrivrd, 50 years later I love her!). Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 17/05/2018 08:27

Completely agree "Also, as a pp says, even if you & this guy decide to make a go of things-you don't have to all move in together straight away, you can still introduce him gradually"

AnnieAnoniMouser · 17/05/2018 08:31

There’s some ridiculous handwringing about the perfectly normal event of a 6yo getting a sibling Hmm.

2 years to a now 6 year old is a very long time and 8 months is too. Plenty of time to get to know DP (if that’s what DP wants) and then tell DS he’s about to be a big brother.

It’s not traumatic, it’s not negative. It’s a sibling like the vast majority of children have.

diddl · 17/05/2018 08:39

Italiangreyhound

I think I have worded my post very unclearly.

I don't think that Op having the baby would be a bad thing for her son at all.

The trickier part is probably introducing the baby's father!

NoSquirrels · 17/05/2018 08:39

Congratulations! Grin

I know you’re in shock but you do sound as if you’re not in a bad position to have another baby. You’re a conscientious caring mum, and everyone worries about their first born and how things will change but it’s usually A-OK. He’s got a good relationship with his dad, remember, as well as you.

Tell your DP, don’t rush anything, make your decision for what is best for you first and foremost.

80sMum · 17/05/2018 08:42

From what you've said in your posts, OP, it's clear that you want to progress the pregnancy and have the baby. It's a no brainer then. Your partner will either stay and support you or run away and leave you to it, but this decision isn't about your relationship with him it's about you and whether you want to keep your baby. Your DS, at 6 years old, should not have much trouble accepting a new sibling.

Sallystyle · 17/05/2018 08:42

I am another one who got pregnant very quickly with my then new partner.

We have been together 12 years now and still very happy. It certainly can work. The other children were fine. They loved having a new sibling.

It can work, but like others said when I made my decision whether or not to go ahead with the pregnancy, I did so with the thought that I might have to do it alone.

Again, like others have said, you don't have to move new partner in. Your son will be fine I am sure and like most children, will probably love it.

bannanapeppers · 17/05/2018 08:43

i got pregnant the first time i slept with my now dh we were only together less than a month at the time we r still together 15 years later and have a lovely little family

AsdaPooShaker · 17/05/2018 08:45

I’d abort but you cannot and should not do anything you don’t want to.

You want it so if you do have it, it’ll be fine. Worse things happen.

ScattyCharly · 17/05/2018 08:47

You want to have the baby, so have the baby. I would tell your partner next time you see him, say no idea how far along etc and need to visit doc. At 39 with no kids, he may well be thrilled and if he is a nice person you could coparent amicably even if the relationship doesn’t work out. Which actually, it could work out. 5 months isn’t that short when you are 36/39. It’s short when you are about 23.

VeganCow · 17/05/2018 08:47

There are no guarantees that kids born into longstanding relationships will have stereotypical 2 parent perfect families for their whole childhood in any case. Far from it. Don't be fooled into contrasting your situation with this often-fictitous 'ideal situation' when making your decision.

This

Mmmmmmmchips · 17/05/2018 08:48

I’d really have a think about possibly being single and SM.
I have one DS7 who is quite sensitive and my biggest concern would be him.
It’s a lot of changes at once for him and if there wasn’t a baby in the mix you still don’t know how his and your partners relationship will be like.
What sort of long term conversations about the future have you had with your DP

SurfingGiantess · 17/05/2018 08:49

Talk to him. See his reaction.
I'd say do it. Your son will be ok. You sound like a responsible parent and will handle things in a responsible manner with him. 😊
Make it exciting. Don't tell your son yet but tell your dp.
My partner and I met 11 years ago in Australia. We moved to his home country and I got pregnant a month later. We were only together 6 months. Now we have 2 children and a third on the way. Things were a bit bumpy but I think once you throw a baby into the mix they always are.
We are happyer than many of my married friends who had kids later in life after being married.
So don't worry too much. Once dp is on board it may just be fate 😉

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/05/2018 08:55

I wouldn’t do this. You think a lot of the guy - didn’t we all after five months!

I don’t take risks - I’d hate to be left holding the baby and common sense would tell me that I know nothing about the man until I’d knew him at least two/three years of being with him

However if you don’t mind the risk of being left a single mother of two then why not!

DobbyisFREE · 17/05/2018 08:59

Congratulations lovey. You want the baby. So s/he will be loved. So that's all that matters. xx

100% this. You seem to be worrying so much about other people that you haven't had time to think about your own happiness. The worst case scenario is that you end up as a single parent but you know you can do this.

Try not to get bogged down in all the awkwardness, tell everyone that needs to be told ASAP (like ripping off a plaster). Give them some space to digest the information then go and celebrate with a supportive friend!

This is clearly wonderful news for you and I wish you all the best Flowers

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 17/05/2018 08:59

i just want to do right by DS. I don't want to upset or confuse him. I know kids are resilient but he's a sensitive soul and it's usually just him and me. I don't know how he would feel.if we brought a new sibling into the mix, especially when the dad isn't living with us. I know famies come in all shapes and sizes but that's a lot to take at 6

I think you're onto the right line of thinking here, I know you like the idea of baby snuggles and whatnot but your son is already here and existing and his needs must be absolute priority here. I think it'd just be too much to expect him to adjust to both a new father figure so very quickly, and a new sibling, there's every chance he'll feel like he's losing his mum both to a new man and a new child. It's just too much to expect him to deal with at such a young age, and I get the impression you know this and agree or you wouldn't be posting here.

Plus you barely know your new partner, it's been six months! It's a risk to decide to tie yourself and your son to him permanently when you've not even had chance to see how they get on, how he is with your son, what it's like to live together. It's got disaster written all over it. I'm really sorry, I know people always say situations happen which aren't ideal and you just have to roll with it but given that you have some options here I think you need to think about your son's needs and wants rather than your own Flowers

Rudgie47 · 17/05/2018 09:00

You do what you want to do, it will be you thats looking after the baby and coping with it all whether hes with you or not.
Just think through how your going to manage. Your son will cope o.k dont worry about him.

wildgarlicflowers · 17/05/2018 09:02

Considering your age and health implications this might be the last pregnancy you will have, this has to be balanced carefully with gradually introducing your son to the idea.

Provided you are able to handle the news of dp and the new baby with your ds, then I don't see why this can't be wonderful news?

All children have to move to one side for a new baby, this is not a bad thing as many positive benefits come with a sibling. If he feels part of your news and included in all the proceedings it ought to be a good thing. It is all about how you present it and the positivity you bring.

You need to have your decision completely straight in your own mind, and then dp and then finally your son, and then to the rest of the world. In that order. Trust me you tell them all this may very well be your last chance to have a child it would take a very hard hearted person to not feel happy for you.

You know what being a single parent involves, of course you can do it. Your son will be seven or approaching and will be a great help.

Your dp may step up to the plate, he is pushing 40 maybe he will be delighted once he gets over the shock.

Original poster
Llamaface123 · 17/05/2018 09:02

I don't know how far along I am - I imagine it's very early. I don't get periods regularly (last one was almost five months ago) so there's really no way of knowing until a scan.

Thank you all for your input. I'm still very confused. DS and I are a happy little unit so I'm frightened that he'll struggle to cope with the fact that he won't have me all to himself. I know children don't get to dictate what happens in the lives of their parents, but I have felt - and continue to feel - so guilty that he doesn't have his dad around full time. It was his decision to go, but I'm the one who has to deal with the sadness it brings. I don't know if he'll feel rejected by me because of this.

I'm going to tell partner at the weekend. I think he'll put two and two together when I'm throwing up and refusing wine. I think he will be happy. He's been keen to get more involved in mine and DS's life but I've been pushing him back as I've been wanting to do gradual introductions/plays that are casual. I suppose this situation speeds things up a bit but not exponentially: many posters are right - DS will have no idea about any of this for quite some time so there's time for him to get used to the situation and partner.

Going it alone, I think, would be fine. I had PND with DS but I figure that the dr will simply medicate me during my pregnancy to stop that happening again.

I am excited. And terrified.

OP posts:
Snewname · 17/05/2018 09:06

If you don't have this one and then struggle to conceive later on, when you are an established couple, you may regret it big time.

Buddy17 · 17/05/2018 09:07

I would talk to your new partner. I fell pregnant just short of 2 months in with my partner were expecting our baby any day now an I couldn't be happier. Hope it works out for you Smile

CoupleOfPushBacks · 17/05/2018 09:08

I fell pregnant 3 months into a relationship, my DS is now 13 months & his DF no where to be seen.

I wouldn't have it any other way! Smile

KatnissMellark · 17/05/2018 09:10

Ooh OP, I'm sure your son will be fine. I hope your DP will be happy. If it were me I'd want to start intros soon, to make sure relationship between DP and DS is well established before baby's arrival. Good luck Flowers

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 17/05/2018 09:13

It'll all be ok - everything always works out in the end and you sound like you really want this baby.

Until that time when it doesn't.

This is so naive! I can only assume the poster beargrylls is coming from a place of optimism because everything thankfully has always worked out in the end for her. But that's not the case for anyone, it really truly isn't. Please don't encourage someone to just presume the best will happen, all of the hope and optimism in the world still can't ensure that it'll be a happy outcome for anyone involved.