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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with (extremely) new partner. Fuck.

204 replies

Llamaface123 · 16/05/2018 22:28

DH left 2 years ago. Have rebuilt my life with DS (6) and he sees him a few times a week.
I started seeing someone late December. He is a friend of a friend and she set us up.
It's been wonderful. He is lovely and has made it clear that he sees us having a future together.
I have been feeling sick for a couple of days and my breasts are very tender. Yes, you guessed it...im pregnant.
We are incredibly careful so I don't know what has happened. We have never-and I mean never-had sex without a condom.
I don't know what to do. DS has no idea that this guy is even part of my life (I only see him when DS is at his dad's). Im in a complete muddle and I need to know if I have more options than not having the baby. It's too soon/how would DS cope/ logistics.
The thing is I want the baby. I've been broody for a long time and while it's early days, I really do love my new partne, but are my hormones clouding rational judgement?
It's a bad idea, isn't it??
Fuck shit bollocks.

OP posts:
PatasDePopote · 17/05/2018 01:05

I got pregnant 5 months after starting seeing my partner and same as you I don't know how as we were taking extreme precautions! Honestly, to this day I'm stumped.

I knew that emotionally I couldn't cope with termination (I knew I'd be more affected by that than going through with the pregnancy - even though I was terrified and it wasn't the right time I knew I WANTED that baby) When I laid it out to DP I said to him I understood if he did not want to be involved, but I knew what I was going to do. That baby (toddler) is now nearly 2... and additionally we now also have a 8 month old (Envysuperfertile apparently - same again! 🙈) and we are living together, engaged and happy (albeit beyond tired) Wouldn't trade my two little accidents cherubs for anything ❤️❤️❤️

DP has an older child from previous marriage and she has adjusted extremely well to her new siblings and to me even though I hadn't even met her when we found out I was pregnant! It's completely do-able if it's what you want to do Thanks

smithsinarazz · 17/05/2018 01:22

Congratulations lovey. You want the baby. So s/he will be loved. So that's all that matters. xx

Italiangreyhound · 17/05/2018 01:23

"The thing is I want the baby. I've been broody for a long time and while it's early days, I really do love my new partne, but are my hormones clouding rational judgement?" I;d say you have clarity, you know this is unlikely to happen again, possibly, and you want the baby, so go for it.

"It's a bad idea, isn't it?? - no. It sounds like what you want.

"I just want to do right by DS. I don't want to upset or confuse him. I know kids are resilient but he's a sensitive soul and it's usually just him and me." My dd is a teenager. When she was 9 we adopted a three year old boy. It's not been easy but she loves him, and he loves her. A brother or sister is lovely, or not, but that is life. Kids do not get to decide if you have another baby, they just do not.

"Fuck shit bollocks."" or Congratulations as we say where I am from!

steff13 · 17/05/2018 01:27

The timing isn't ideal, but timing rarely is. You want the baby, have the baby.

Italiangreyhound · 17/05/2018 01:28

Please do not allow your concerns for your son to make you do something you will regret, you might even end up resenting your son if you use him as an excuse for terminating a baby you want.

But as others have said, you do not need to get married or live with the father, you can see him still, if that is what you both want. It is is not decision if you keep the baby (not the dad's decision I mean) and honestly it is not and should not be your son's decision. It's your decision.

SickofPeterRabbit · 17/05/2018 02:26

I got pregnant within 3 weeks of being with my daughters Dad! Despite protection. Sometimes these things just happen.

However, despite him not being in either of our lives anymore (his sickening choice), she is the best thing to ever happen to me. I truly believe she was meant to happen.....

Etymology23 · 17/05/2018 07:07

If I wanted the child there would be no way I could have a termination. I think that would mess with ones brain on a really deep level. If you can and are prepared to go it alone, then you should definitely have the baby if it’s what you want!

Somersetter · 17/05/2018 07:30

I wouldn't be introducing a new partner and then a new baby within 8 months of each other to a 6 year old. Especially one who is probably only just fully understanding your break up.

Given that the op's ds is 6 and his dad left 2 years ago, I wonder if he remembers any different to be honest.

I hope it all works out for you op Flowers

FluffyWhiteTowels · 17/05/2018 07:38

You do sound excited OP. And you say you've been feeling broody.

I hope it all goes really well for you. You and new man are obviously super fertile together Grin

Xenia · 17/05/2018 07:43

Sounds like you want this baby. I would talk to your new boyfriend about it and explain everything and see what he says. Eg he might want you to work full time and he cares for the baby or you both work full time and use a nursery or there may be issues that he wants the child brought up under one religion, not yours or he might be delighted but not want to live with you but want the baby half the time. He might want to marry before it is showing if that is his family's culture so it is not illegitimate - all kinds of things.

Also if your husband left 2 years ago make sure yo have decree absolute and crucially a court sealed consent order on the divorce finances and do it urgently just to regularise your current position.

Frouby · 17/05/2018 07:44

My dsis was in the same situation as you OP. Except she had 3 boys aged 5, 9 and 12 and had left a pretty shitty and abusive relationship 6 months before. Her dcs had been through so much she was terrified about what would happen. She had also recently had treatment that made the pgy high risk, and although they had used condoms her then DP assumed he was infertile after a long time ttc with his previous partner who instantly fell pg with a different partner.

So a very surprise pgy.

7 years on and they are a very happy family. The pgy turned into dniece, the new partner was a good un and most importantly her boys were thrilled.

It wasn't always easy. She had a few problems with her eldest lad but she thinks that would have happened anyway. All 3 boys (well the eldest is a young man now) dote on her little girl. And I mean dote on her. She has had a few health issues and they rally around if she is ill. My dsis has also had a serious health issue a couple of years ago. And they all coped with that far better than she thought they would.

They are a loving, caring, funny, kind family. They have each others backs.

So think very hard about what you want to do. Its not ideal but you know that. But even ideal doesn't equal happy ever after.

BlueJava · 17/05/2018 07:46

I think you have to ask yourself if you want to keep the baby and bring him/her up on your own? Don't let yourself get gooey, but be realistic about finances and other resources. If you feel you could do this then go it alone. If you can't then consider termination/adoption. If you and new DP both decide to be together than fantastic whether you have the baby or not. But don't build a cosy family pic in your head with current DC, baby and new DP because it may not work out like that.

ConciseandNice · 17/05/2018 07:47

Congratulations! It’s not fuck.shit.bollocks if you want a baby. I got pregnant after 8 weeks with my partner!! 20 years later we’re still together and very happy.

Justturned50 · 17/05/2018 07:53

You're certainly going into this with your eyes wide open and fully aware of the problems that may arise which to me is half the battle. I say go for it and keep talking to your DS. It'll be great.

twinnywinny14 · 17/05/2018 07:57

Your son doesn’t need to know everything in one go or right now! How pregnant are you? You have time and no need to tell DS for a while yet- ime time is sooo long for children that telling them too soon draws everything out. So, speak to DP and see what’s happening there, give him and you a bit of time to suss out if he is going to be around, how he feels etc then you can introduce him to your son for a while before telling him about the baby. Be careful who you tell won’t let it slip or say something stupid in front of or to your DS! Good luck for the weekend x

NukaColaGirl · 17/05/2018 07:59

I fell pregnant (accident) within 3 months of meeting ExDP. I was only 21. I miscarried before it had even sunk in. ExDP was devastated at the loss. I fell pregnant (purposely) after we’d been together 11 months. We went on to have 2DDs and were together 7 years. We split up 4 years ago but maintain a close friendship, he’s a brilliant father and remains one of my favourite people.

BrownTurkey · 17/05/2018 07:59

Remember to give him clear information (including that it is definitely his, and must be due to contraception failure, that you care about him and that this is a shock) and then give him some time to process it (which you have had a little of) - don’t expect a perfect reaction straight off, and make sure he has some space.

Elementtree · 17/05/2018 08:03

I think this will be a massive shift for your existing child. To have his family break up by 4yo and then to be a brother to man he's yet to meet, will be unsettling in a way he is too young to articulate.

Personally, I'd put feelings of broodiness to one side and have an abortion.

VivaKondo · 17/05/2018 08:04

Another question is
How would you feel if you had a termination?

From what you wrote, it seems that you want that baby but are scared of the future and it would entail. Some sort of heart against head situation.
Sometimes it’s better to listen to your head BUT not if it’s going to break your heart iyswim.

Firstnameterms · 17/05/2018 08:08

You obviously want this baby and that is fine! Your son has had 2years to accept that his parents no longer live together. I’m not sure why a minority are implying that you having a baby is not putting your son first. People divorce, move on, have babies every day and children are just fine.
You are both in your mid/late 30s, hardly giddy teens who will likely face massive changes in their lives. If you think you can handle this and get your son through it then do. If you don’t then don’t. I have a sneaky suspicion your partner will be pretty happy! If you decide to go for it then just plan carefully how to proceed with your son. I would say you need to start introducing your new partner as a friend and slowly build up. Good luck!!!

diddl · 17/05/2018 08:11

"Please do not allow your concerns for your son to make you do something you will regret,"

I do agree with that.

Also, as a pp says, even if you & this guy decide to make a go of things-you don't have to all move in together straight away, you can still introduce him gradually.

speakout · 17/05/2018 08:18

Another one here - pregnant 6 weeks into a new relationship.
OH was over the moon.
We are still blissfully happy 22 years later ( and a second child)

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 17/05/2018 08:20

I fell pregnant with twins when my son was 2. I felt so bad for him and guilty. I realised when they were born that he’d not list us but gained 2 siblings. They all love each other dearly.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 17/05/2018 08:20

Lost not list

Italiangreyhound · 17/05/2018 08:21

@diddl she is contemplating giving her son a half sibling. Not something usually considered detrimental. If she were considering marrying an unsuitable man, then of course, her son comes first. But having another baby, if she can manage another child, is unlikely to be a negative thing long term for her son, IMHO.