Pregnant with (extremely) new partner. Fuck.

[Llamaface123]

DH left 2 years ago. Have rebuilt my life with DS (6) and he sees him a few times a week.
I started seeing someone late December. He is a friend of a friend and she set us up.
It's been wonderful. He is lovely and has made it clear that he sees us having a future together.
I have been feeling sick for a couple of days and my breasts are very tender. Yes, you guessed it...im pregnant.
We are incredibly careful so I don't know what has happened. We have never-and I mean never-had sex without a condom.
I don't know what to do. DS has no idea that this guy is even part of my life (I only see him when DS is at his dad's). Im in a complete muddle and I need to know if I have more options than not having the baby. It's too soon/how would DS cope/ logistics.
The thing is I want the baby. I've been broody for a long time and while it's early days, I really do love my new partne, but are my hormones clouding rational judgement?
It's a bad idea, isn't it??
Fuck shit bollocks.

The biggest question for me is not whether you can manage (of course you can! You’ve done it before and are a single parent) it’s how bad could this man make your life if things went sour which there is a decent chance of considering how short your time together has been. You are the best judge of that and whether you would be willing to put up with that sort of emotional torture in your life. I personally wouldn’t have a baby with someone I wasn’t sure would treat me well in the event of things going belly up.

I had PND with DS but I figure that the dr will simply medicate me during my pregnancy to stop that happening again.
it's not as simple as that!

No one can make the decision for you. A new siblings is a good thing for a child, it takes some adjustments of course, but it's a happy event.

Do prepare to be a single parent. Also, you must think about your network support if you have PND again. It's awful, and much much harder if you are alone. Plus this time you will have a baby AND a young child who needs his routine and needs his mum. It's of course manageable, and shouldn't prevent you from having another baby if you wish, but you need help. Have you got families, friends who could take one child, or even 2 and let you sleep for a few hours?
Can you afford a babysitter or nanny?

You just need to be prepared for the worst possible scenario and everything will be fine. Ultimately, it's your choice only as you will be the only one having to deal with it all.

Have your miracle baby. You'll only live with what ifs.

It sounds very much like this little baby is meant to be! Considering the 98% effectiveness of condoms and the odds you have been given of being able to conceive, this little one has beat a very high set of odds and I would take it as a sign that this baby was meant to be mine!

You want this baby, this is what matters most, not what anyone on this post has said. Your bf has said he sees himself having a future with you. You have said that you would be fine even in the worst scenario of you ending up a single Mum to two. You have the best part of a year to slowly introduce your bf and the fact that you are having another baby. I bet he will love having a younger sibling.

My BiL & SIL got pregnant about 9 months after meeting. They married and have more children now. Tbh, they aren’t massively happy but if I’m honest I expect no more or less than most people, especially in this situation. They just tried to make it work and muddle along as a family.

I got pregnant 4mths in with new partner and already had 3 DC. It was a struggle to get the right arrangements but 2yrs on we live together and got married. Xx

Going it alone, I think, would be fine. I had PND with DS but I figure that the dr will simply medicate me during my pregnancy to stop that happening again.

That doesn't guarantee you won't have PND this time, sadly.

It's obviously a gamble either way, isn't it? But make sure you don't let the bloodiness and excitement cloud your thinking so you're not considering whether you will be able to cope and your son will be able to cope if things go pear shaped. Even the ideal outcome of DP being happy will still be a huge adjustment for your son and there's no saying how it'll affect him now or in the future.

But if DP turns out to be feckless, abusive, irresponsible, shit with money, a cheat, or simply loses interest (you're still in the honeymoon period) and leaves you before or after the birth, would you feel able to cope with possible PND, a confused six year old who has dealt with a lot of upheaval, a brand new baby, financially practically and emotionally?

That's not an unlikely scenario. If you go into this do it with your eyes open and think very carefully not just about how you'd feel and cope but about your son too. It saddens me to see PP say 'don't worry about your son he'll be okay' as if that's a foregone conclusion and he will just have to adjust.

Sorry to be the voice of gloom btw. I hope it works out for you. Just wanted to add some of my perspective to the other posts saying 'if you want the baby then have it, everything works out fine in the end'Z

HAVE THAT BABY!
You surely never regret it. I regret 2 terminations (one at 23, one at 27, ) and only have one DS (when I was 39) .
It really sounds like you want it. It will be challenging with your boyf at times, but I know plenty who've done it successfully. At least you already have one child so you know what the challenges are.

Keep your baby OP. I can tell between the lines that you want to and that this baby will be very much loved.

Take a leap into the unknown and there's every chance and hope that it will work out for you. Your new guy might be thrilled, if surprised. You might go the distance. Your son might love having a sibling. All maybes at this stage but everything to hope for.

Go for it. Babies don't always come when we expect and plan for them.

I had a termination 10 yrs ago when I wasn’t 100% sure what I wanted and I live with that decision every day. It’s even harder to live with now I have a child. If you know that you could cope with that decision (and many women cope fine), then you are right to consider it along with the other options. But don’t do it if you think you may live to regret it. It really can eat you up inside if you make the decision in panicked haste. I would talk to your partner and a healthcare professional/therapist before deciding anything personally.

Good luck!

As an aside, if you’re prone to depression, again, abortion can be a difficult decision to live with, especially in periods of low mood. Not trying to sway you, just making you aware of the wider implications especially if your mental health is not always 100%.

Well the good news is you are very positive about your new partner, in which case I think you should tell him and you never know he might be extremely positive about the idea.

But it's your decision what to do.

Very differ circumstances but my ds2 was also conceived completely unexpectedly, I still remembered the shock but it turned swiftly to excitement within a couple of weeks.

Best of luck to you, it is a tough situation but could work out really well, fingers crossed

My DH and I had a baby after being together for 3 months. We had known each other for a few years before but was not in touch that entire time, a chit chat every now and then. I was told it could take a while for me to get pregnant so we let nature take it's course thinking it would be months and months....first month! We're now happily married with 2 wonderful babies.

Your son will cope, as all children do, they adapt. Yes it will be hard for him, it's hard for most children when another baby comes along, but as long as you're aware of that and still try to make him feel special etc he will be fine.

If you feel strong enough to deal with being a single parent to both if your new partner decides it's not for him, then I think go for it. It sounds like you want this baby.

Do you have a good support network of friends and family?

Good luck xx

I think you need to wait and see how he reacts. If he’s a prick about it, you have to then consider how you would cope as a single mum of two. Being a single parent is difficult regardless but going from being a parent of one to two is a huge leap even for parents that are together and also it’s a different story all together being a single parent to a newborn. If you take all of that into consideration and feel you would cope then go for it.

If there’s even an ounce of you that feels you would regret abortion, don’t do it. Even if he is a twat about it, don’t put yourself through that trauma and torment.

I hope he reacts well though. Good luck OP .

Have a chat with the bloke, let us know how it goes, he was responsible for the contracption, so he knows you didnt accididentally on purpose get pregnant, take if from there.

Yes, it sounds like you want this. I'm sure you'll be able to make it work. You will find the right way to explain it to your son. You sound like you have your head on your shoulders. I hope everything will go perfectly with your new partner. There's nothing to suggest it won't. And if it doesn't... you go for it! You're totally ON this!

I have a very sensitive DS and it's amazing how resilient he's been when faced with some real curve balls (albeit different from yours).

Talk it over with your partner. How he reacts might have a big impact on your decision. Given your history, this could be your only chance at having another child. DS is an only child, not through choice, and I know it makes him sad sometimes that he doesn't have a sibling. Not that there's any problem at all having one child, we're by and large pretty happy with it!

You've presumably got time yet, no need to rush into a decision.

You want the baby and you're pregnant. There's really no choice to be made here. Also, at 36 and with fertility issues, if you EVER want another baby this is most likely your only chance. Congratulations and good luck with it all.

He's been keen to get more involved in mine and DS's life but I've been pushing him back as I've been wanting to do gradual introductions/plays that are casual.

Far too soon for him to have been pushing to be involved in DS's life, I wouldn't have been happy about that.

As pp have said you need to consider the support network you have for DS. If you needed a hospital stay during pregnancy for example could he stay with his Dad, does he live close enough for school? Or grandparents. Same for when you had the baby while in hospital and first home.

Unfortunately PND again is a possibility, again think of what support you could access. Doing all the nights yourself then up and ready for the school run with older child and baby is of course doable but tough in the early stages.

Be sure you want another child, not just a baby.

6/7 years is a lovely age gap, I have similar between my eldest two. It does mean just as your DS would be moving up to secondary school and more independent you'd be right back to the beginning with Reception class so you do need to consider work and finances for the long term., not just maternity leave.

Again I agree with some pp, tell your partner in the first place then take things from there

If you've used condoms 100% of the time carefully and never had one split, I imagine as lovely as DP is, he'll be wondering if it's actually his child deep down, so factor this into telling him perhaps. Maybe telling him you can't understand how it has happened either and are willing to get a DNA test as soon as practically possible if he wants to put his mind at rest.

Just how has it happened if the condom usage was perfect? Usually the failure rate in condoms is due to them splitting or not putting them on soon enough (pre ejaculate). Any ideas OP?

This happened to me, I split with ex-DH when my eldest was 3, ended up with a guy I have actually known since school and I was pregnant within 6 months of us getting together.

Fast Forward 9 years, we are married have 2 healthy boys (he treats my eldest as his own), a mortgage, go wonderful holidays and have in general a great life.

'Fuck' yes that's how it happens

I recently had a pregnancy from a condom failure; I can’t claim “perfect” use in the sense that humans make errors, but not once had he been inside me without a condom on (and we’ve been using them for over a year now with zero issues with breakage etc). I miscarried a fortnight later. I’m now on the Pill and we still use condoms too... Bloody terrified me if I’m honest.

I wrote a long reply but it’s disappeared. In short, I don’t agree with people suggesting your terminate just because your son may take a while to adjust. When my little girl met her sister she screamed and cried but after a while (younger one was in hospital for eight months) they have gotten really close. They still annoy eachother but they really do love eachother a lot. I’m going to have a third and imagine they may not like it to begin with, but kids don’t eat to choose whether adults have another baby or not. He will be fine and adjust. I’d maybe keep the baby quiet until he gets to know your partner first (if things take that course) first thing you need to do is talk to your partner and see his reaction, he may need time to think and that’s ok. Once you know his view you can base decision making from there. Don’t rush into any decisions just yet. If you terminate for the sake of your son, you may grow to resent him especially if you try for another child later on and it doesn’t happen. You will still love your son but may think what if... take your time and think it all through, talk to someone you trust.

For me this is not just your decision, it’s all very well saying that can go it alone if he walks away but if you’re expecting maintenance from him then it’s life changing for him too.

Whenever there’s thread on here about one partner wanting a baby and one who doesn’t the consensus is the partner who doesn’t trumps the one who does and I think it should be the case here. Especially as you were using contraception.