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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with (extremely) new partner. Fuck.

204 replies

Llamaface123 · 16/05/2018 22:28

DH left 2 years ago. Have rebuilt my life with DS (6) and he sees him a few times a week.
I started seeing someone late December. He is a friend of a friend and she set us up.
It's been wonderful. He is lovely and has made it clear that he sees us having a future together.
I have been feeling sick for a couple of days and my breasts are very tender. Yes, you guessed it...im pregnant.
We are incredibly careful so I don't know what has happened. We have never-and I mean never-had sex without a condom.
I don't know what to do. DS has no idea that this guy is even part of my life (I only see him when DS is at his dad's). Im in a complete muddle and I need to know if I have more options than not having the baby. It's too soon/how would DS cope/ logistics.
The thing is I want the baby. I've been broody for a long time and while it's early days, I really do love my new partne, but are my hormones clouding rational judgement?
It's a bad idea, isn't it??
Fuck shit bollocks.

OP posts:
SusanneLinder · 17/05/2018 12:34

This happened to me 20 years ago. Exactly same position. He was shocked, but once he got over it, he was delighted.
We are still together! Grin

DesignedForLife · 17/05/2018 12:38

You obviously really want this baby. I think you'd regret it if you terminated. Just keep your eyes open and be prepared that it may or may not work out between you and this guy. Fingers crossed it will, but hope for the best prepare for the worst.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/05/2018 12:39

Skarossinkplunger I agree. In fact, I’d go as far as saying if he says right now that he doesn’t want the baby and the op goes ahead and keeps the baby, he shouldn’t need to pay maintenance. Seeing as protection was used and neither planned the baby. It wouldn’t feel right asking him for money if he walks away.

Littlechocola · 17/05/2018 12:40

Has your ds ever done the usual, ‘mummy why can’t I have a little brother or sister’ thing?
Bring it up gently, talk about friends with siblings, how cool it is to have a play mate.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 17/05/2018 12:44

Good point skaross. Very good point.

Your body your choice OP. But PP saying you ought to decide before you tell him are being awful. He has every right to contribute to the decision making process, even though he can't have the final say. He may not want at nearly forty to go from a new relationship he's slowly getting into with a woman to being a new dad with a potential stepson, and an instant serious relationship. There might be a reason he's never had kids so far.

Most men I know would say the right things 'I'll support you whatever you do' but I think plenty would be screaming 'fuck no' just below the surface.

Talk to him asap. Don't make any decisions until then. And listen. You may find that when all is weighed up, if he really doesn't want this child you may realise it's for the best for everyone to not go ahead.

I'd be devastated if I'd taken all necessary precautions to use contraception in a new relationship and she got pregnant, if I were a man. He might be fine with it, then you can take that into account, but it still leaves your son.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 17/05/2018 12:48

Congratulations @Llamaface123, you'll be fine ! 🌺🌺🌺

Mayhemmumma · 17/05/2018 12:53

If you are happy so will DS, 8 or so months is enough time for DS to be told and adjust. Young children do accept change.

The partner issue is different. To add in and your new step father is moving in might be more complicated. But it depends what the two of you decide in terms of your relationship first.

Have your baby you sound like you want him or her.

BewareOfDragons · 17/05/2018 12:54

Skarossinkplunger I agree. In fact, I’d go as far as saying if he says right now that he doesn’t want the baby and the op goes ahead and keeps the baby, he shouldn’t need to pay maintenance. Seeing as protection was used and neither planned the baby. It wouldn’t feel right asking him for money if he walks away.

I couldn't disagree more with both of you.

Women have the 'final' choice, yes, as they should. Potential baby is in their body. BUt men have a choice as in to whether or not to engage in sex, and they know protection isn't a 100% guarantee. If they are that determined to not father a child, they need to abstain or get a vasectomy.

And, tbh, a lot of men would would immediately insist they never 'wanted' to be a father and used protection. Including men who stealth (remove the condom during sex, and then replace it) no doubt.

Children deserve and are entitled to the support of both parents.

TawandaT · 17/05/2018 12:55

Personally I would abort the pregnancy. If I'd only known a man for a few short months who had no relationship with my son there's no way I'd thrust new man and new baby on my DS is the space of 9 month. There's no foundation for you and this man. You've not properly gotten to know one another and he could be absolute nightmare. Having a newborn is really stressful even in a solid marriage. If it all goes wrong and it's not for great chances of success it will be your DS who will bear the brunt of it. I wouldn't take that risk with my son. If new guy turns out to be great have a baby in a few years.

goose1964 · 17/05/2018 12:59

I had been going out with now DH for8 months when I got pregnant. We're celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary in a few months. It can work

venusandmars · 17/05/2018 13:09

I don't understand how so many posters are telling you "it'll all be fine", they have no idea whether it will or won't.

I was in a similar situation, and despite being broody, I (we) made the decision not to go ahead. The decision was mostly based on existing dc and how it would affect them - things like how they'd feel if the baby got to stay with us all the time and they got 'sent' to stay with their Dad sometimes; and how my dp would feel towards all the dc - would he love his own baby more than my existing dc; how the dc might feel about sharing rooms or having to move house etc. We also considered the pressure that a new baby would put on our relationship, I knew the kind of challenges we would face, it's not all warm, milky cuddles and cooing.

When my dc was desperately ill a year later, I was so glad that we weren't also parents to a young baby.

I don't mean to sound negative, but you also need to be realistic. btw dp and I are still together 25 years later, we sometimes talk about what might have been but we don't regret our decision.

Gottokondo · 17/05/2018 13:09

One of my cousins got pregnant in the first month of her relationship. She kept the baby and they tried to make it work. The relationship failed but you know what? She is a very happy single mum. Choose if you want the baby or not and just let the relationship be a different decision.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/05/2018 13:19

BewareOfDragons Do all children always get the support of both parents?

RosaBaby2 · 17/05/2018 13:19

I have just had a baby (last week), I met his dad in August and found out I was pregnant in September. Just like you I have another child, he’s 10 and had never met the baby’s dad. He’s coped just fine. Situation different as my baby’s dad disappeared for most of the pregnancy (until 3 weeks ago actually) before coming to his senses but as long as you are sure it’s what you want your son will be absolutely fine.
My son now has a little brother and I have a gorgeous much wanted baby. Everything else will just fit in to place, whatever happens. And let people judge, there’s always someone with an opinion. Good luck x

Viola82 · 17/05/2018 13:25

Do you love him? Is he in love with you?..
Please also think about the legal aspects: child/spouse maintenance you're getting now, and future support from your partner if he will not want to stay together.
I'm not sure but I think if you'll re-marry you'll loose spouse maintenance? Worth taking under consideration.

Does you new partner have kids? Will he accept yours? Dating someone (especially early on) is a different story to start living with a mum and carrying (also financially) for someone else's child.. This plus a new born baby might be really a lot to take on.
Also for your son it might be difficult to accept someone new and a new child in the family. Keep in mind your partner's focus will, most likely be 100% on his new born child, so your DS might feel completely left out..

kateandme · 17/05/2018 14:00

if think it sounds like you want it.so keep it.sorry im not making it that simple but It is kinda.because when you make that decision it all becomes more simple.becasue your listening to what you want and your head can finally stop too and froing and it starts making plans forward.
this wont be an issue with your little one if nyou don't make it one! they just need to no thye are having a lovely new sibling to have fun with.and that you love him so much and all it means is the family is getting bigger.he doesn't need to know the complication of what it means for a single mum or without or with the new partner.that will come easier without overthinking.and you answer his qustions as they come to him so it then at his time.and you make it open so he can ask you any questions.
keeping it shouldn't depend on ds.that can lead to you resenting your dc if its not really what you want.you cant sacrifice you want to a family for the dc because they can be included in that picture and should be from the start.
this could work out really well with new partner.but it might be hit of reality and might not.but still...you can have the baby.can you?that is the question.can you handle being a single mum.
it sounds to me like you really can manage this and really want to.i get oobers of confidence from your post to do this perfectly.
think but don't dwell.problems over postives are always around decisions like this.fears often bigger than god thoughts.
be sensible but not hasty.
you can do this.

kateandme · 17/05/2018 14:03

its becoming clear from here that you need to mak this decision.through no one but you will this come.and looking on this here I don't think will help you in the long run.because looking at pp is making it clear everyone is different and everone is so certain of the path htye took.but that is because it was right for them.and so both sides have such sted fast opinions here.but again because it was for each person.
so you gut.your feelings have now to take hold.its got to come from you.

Andrewofgg · 17/05/2018 14:22

Viola82 As you say if the OP is getting spousal maintenance and remarries it will stop for ever. And if she lives with the new chap the court has a discretion to stop it if XH applies and probably will; it could in theory be revived if the new relationship broke down but probably would not be.

OP apart from that dry legal point I doubt you want to hear from my gender beyond saying Good luck in any event.

romany4 · 17/05/2018 14:38

My younger sister fell pregnant 3 months into a relationship. She was 18, he was 28.
They got married when she was 4 months gone and have just celebrated their silver wedding anniversary.

ExecutiveDiamondBossBabeHun · 17/05/2018 14:42

Been there. Got pregnant within a month if meeting my new (then) partner after a condom and MAP fail! Decided to keep baby and informed new partner that I would be doig so and that he was free to go without recrimination or we could keep dating and see what happened. I knew I'd manage on my own and I would have but actually it all worked out and we've been happily married for years. Do whatever you want to do. What you feel it right for you. Things will work out with new partner or they won't but at least you will have made the right decision for you.

NicEv · 17/05/2018 16:08

I haven’t read any of the responses on here.

I just wanted to send you a hug and say please , please don’t trust such an important decision to strangers on the internet. Delete this thread, talk to a trusted friend or a counsellor.

For what it’s worth, having been through IVF I have come to believe a baby is a blessing. You will love the baby, so will your son. You can do this if you want to. Your new relationship may or may not last - but your little family will be fine. If this is something you want then you can do it and make it work.

Don’t let any stranger on the internet tell you otherwise - you have to trust your own instincts on this one x

QueenOfMyWorld · 17/05/2018 16:15

I got pregnant to my now dh after we'd been dating for 3 months

Missingstreetlife · 17/05/2018 16:21

Congratulations. Don't let matey move in on you tho

Hortonlovesahoo · 17/05/2018 16:45

OP: before you tell him at the weekend, try to work out tonight and tomorrow how you really feel about the relationship and baby and then you can be in a better position to discuss at the weekend when you’ve got an opinion for yourself. Sometimes there can be so many opinions, thoughts, presumptions that you just need to take a step back and work out what you want and what’s best for you and your family

GreenTulips · 17/05/2018 16:47

It wouldn’t feel right asking him for money if he walks away

He can walk away from OP but not his child

Takes two to tango