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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to want to take teenager daughter on holiday

210 replies

potatopeel · 03/05/2018 14:33

I have DD who is 17 who has a horrendous attitude, she's incredibly rude, grumpy, snappy, inconsiderate and very very controlling. She is her fathers double, hence me leaving him and her having no contact. She has younger siblings who are also NC with him. They are completely different to her, just your average kids, occasionally naughty/ rude/ annoying/ lazy etc, so by no means perfect.
DH and I are desperate for a holiday, we both work very hard and are very busy with kids etc. But we really want a relaxing holiday. If we take DD she will demand certain rooms/ seats on plane / days out / food and constantly ask for alcohol (we rarely say yes, so not sure why she does this) It's draining. If we leave her at home she'll trash the house, so not an option, we have no one we want to loose friendship enough to leave her with them.
We offered to pay for her and her friends to have a caravan holiday near family to keep an eye on her, but she says as they are under 18 they don't have ID and can't go drinking so she refused.
So we are left with the option to take her. So paying out a lot of money to feel uncomfortable and on edge somewhere else. DS15 has already expressed his concerns. We all do bend to her whims and wishes, not ideal but it's very difficult dealing with the fall out if we don't.
She doesn't see what she does or how she harms people. Even if it's staring her in the face.
She's ruined her passport trying to alter it to get a fake ID. I have told her she must pay to replace it, as she ruined it. DH has said he know we'll end up paying for it.
I think of laying down the ground rules before going (for the eldest not the others - seems ridiculous) but She'll ignore them or have an excuse.
AIBU not to want to take her, but do it and begrudge it?

OP posts:
XJerseyGirlX · 03/05/2018 14:35

I think, any true good friend/ family member that knows what your going through will watch her for you and not judge you if she behaves awfully (as long as you warn them)

You sound like you need a holiday OP

XJerseyGirlX · 03/05/2018 14:36

What about a caravan holiday and supplying a little alcohol (in the caravan) so they dont have to worry about not being served?

Babyplaymat · 03/05/2018 14:37

Poor kid. Though I would tell her she can't come unless she has a valid passport and put the ball in her court.

Wolfiefan · 03/05/2018 14:38

You bend to her whims? Well that's the problem. She moans and kicks off. You give in. So she moans and kicks off. Time to change that.

cestlavielife · 03/05/2018 14:38

This is your problem... walking I eggs. Send her to a bootcamp.

'xWe all do bend to her whims and wishes, not ideal but it's very difficult dealing with the fall out if we don't.--

MyDcAreMarvel · 03/05/2018 14:40

You don’t leave a child behind because they are annoying that’s not how parenting works.

Original poster
potatopeel · 03/05/2018 14:40

We have had a friend offer, but neither of us feel happy to let them - there would be the fall out of her not going on holiday and I dread to think what she would put them through. She's very manipulative- I feel awful saying this. She went to my DM one night with the other children so DH and I could have a night out and she refused to look at anyone and sat in a chair for 24 hours like a brick, then punished DH and I for days after with the same and sneering how we'd left her. She was 14 at the time. She's never been away unless it's something she's instigated since.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 03/05/2018 14:41

I can't believe you're thinking of taking all but one of your kids away :/

Mumblechum0 · 03/05/2018 14:42

This will be her last summer at home until she goes off to Uni presumably?

I’d send her to Ibiza with a friend and do your own thing, that’s what we did with DS at that time, not that he was being unpleasant or anything, he’d just outgrown family holidays by that age

IHeartMaryLennox · 03/05/2018 14:42

Well, she sounds deeply unhappy. Maybe you should address that.

XJerseyGirlX · 03/05/2018 14:42

Well if she does the same and sits in a chair for a week not saying anything she will be no bother will she :-) Honestly OP, ignore her moods.. she keeps them up because she gets a reaction (its how most teenagers work)

cestlavielife · 03/05/2018 14:43

Does she know you hate her as much as you hate your ex?
How long ago did you split?
Have you ever tried some kind of (family) therapy ?
How is she at school or college ?
What is her future going to be like if she gets to walk all over people?
It s a problem bigger than a holiday ..... but. Send her to some.kind of outdoor camp for teens ....

Trinity66 · 03/05/2018 14:43

I’d send her to Ibiza with a friend

Really? I'd be doing all I can to keep 17 year olds away from Ibiza

XJerseyGirlX · 03/05/2018 14:43

iheartmarylenox - doesnt mean she is unhappy. Lots of teenage girls are grumpy/ Hormonal

I would send her away with her friends OP

Original poster
potatopeel · 03/05/2018 14:44

@XJerseyGirlX we offered a caravan and some alcohol, she had said she wanted to do it before, but now wants to go clubbing etc.

@Babyplaymat I have said just that.

@MyDcAreMarvel absolutely not! And we'll end up taking her as I said in my original post, just feel sad that she's going to hate every minute of it because she can't be pissed and run around having everything she wants all the time and the rest of the family will be on egg shells in case she blows up. She is not annoying, I have never said that.

OP posts:
IHeartMaryLennox · 03/05/2018 14:45

Yeah, I'm probably being a bit defensive as my mum did this to me (although I was nowhere NEAR the kind of behaviour the OP has described)

It felt really, really shit.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/05/2018 14:45

Of course you are being unreasonable to consider leaving her behind. Can you imagine the fall out when you return? You'd basically be giving her license to really kick-off and guilt trip you about 'abandoning' her and that you 'don't care'. Part of parenting is really having to ride out the tough storms.

Boulshired · 03/05/2018 14:45

A lot of the examples seem pretty normal for a teenager. The problem you have is a lot of the boundaries should have been set up years ago, I would grin and bear it and hope for the best and maybe talk about life after the holiday with rules and consequences for living at home.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/05/2018 14:46

Stop bending to her whims and wishes.

Seriously, my sister was like this and may parents let her get away with it as it was 'easier' than dealing with her.

Now, as an adult (mid 40s), she's vile to be around. Entitled, rude, snobby, bratty... stamps her foot at the slightest thing.

I have now been NC for 2 years and it was such a relief not to have to walk on egg shells around her any more. My only worry now is that I see her passing on this way of behaving as normal to my lovely, sweet teenage niece.

Sorry, but I think you should forget your nice relaxing holiday and be a parent to your daughter. Get to the bottom of why she behaves like this. If she doesn't actually see her real father, she can't be learning this from him. Take her to a therapist if need be.

Mumblechum0 · 03/05/2018 14:46

Depends on the child. He’s always been a lot more mature than his peers

mummymeister · 03/05/2018 14:46

sorry but she is behaving like this because she can. and all the time that she can, then she will.

I wouldn't give a damn if she sat sneering all night - her choice - and a bit babyish really but hey up to her. but the punishing you afterwards? how does she do that? is she still at school?

you need to start treating her like an adult - not tidying her room, picking up her washing etc and say to her that this is how you expect her to behave. if not you have to put meaningful consequences in place. whether she goes on holidays with you or not is not even half the problem. Could you book her onto a PGL holiday at the same time that you want to go away so that she is with people her own age in a different environment? would her dad have her?

where do you think this is all going to end OP?

Original poster
potatopeel · 03/05/2018 14:47

I don't hate her at all. Quite the opposite, possibly one of the reasons she has become so used to getting away with everything as I have over compensated, harming her with attention and giving her everything she wants.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/05/2018 14:50

possibly one of the reasons she has become so used to getting away with everything as I have over compensated, harming her with attention and giving her everything she wants

You have answered your own question. Stop doing this!

mummymeister · 03/05/2018 14:53

So stop potato. sit down with her tonight and tell her how things are going to be. as I said above she is like this because you enable it. so if you want it to stop, then stop enabling it.

and it will be tough for all of you to do this but you need to crack on now and get this sorted.

MrsKoala · 03/05/2018 14:53

Does she really want to go with you? I can't imagine wanting to go on holiday with my parents when i was 17 - far rather stay at home, have parties, get wrecked and shag my boyfriend.

My parents stopped taking me at 16 as i was now old enough to be left at home and why should they pay for me any more?! Grin Most people i knew didn't expect to be taken past 16.

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