Not to want to take teenager daughter on holiday

[potatopeel]

I have DD who is 17 who has a horrendous attitude, she's incredibly rude, grumpy, snappy, inconsiderate and very very controlling. She is her fathers double, hence me leaving him and her having no contact. She has younger siblings who are also NC with him. They are completely different to her, just your average kids, occasionally naughty/ rude/ annoying/ lazy etc, so by no means perfect.
DH and I are desperate for a holiday, we both work very hard and are very busy with kids etc. But we really want a relaxing holiday. If we take DD she will demand certain rooms/ seats on plane / days out / food and constantly ask for alcohol (we rarely say yes, so not sure why she does this) It's draining. If we leave her at home she'll trash the house, so not an option, we have no one we want to loose friendship enough to leave her with them.
We offered to pay for her and her friends to have a caravan holiday near family to keep an eye on her, but she says as they are under 18 they don't have ID and can't go drinking so she refused.
So we are left with the option to take her. So paying out a lot of money to feel uncomfortable and on edge somewhere else. DS15 has already expressed his concerns. We all do bend to her whims and wishes, not ideal but it's very difficult dealing with the fall out if we don't.
She doesn't see what she does or how she harms people. Even if it's staring her in the face.
She's ruined her passport trying to alter it to get a fake ID. I have told her she must pay to replace it, as she ruined it. DH has said he know we'll end up paying for it.
I think of laying down the ground rules before going (for the eldest not the others - seems ridiculous) but She'll ignore them or have an excuse.
AIBU not to want to take her, but do it and begrudge it?

What about choosing a holiday with some sort of activity available? Lots of campsites in France that have canoeing, sailing, cycling tours etc, she may even join in if left to her own devices. My teens without wifi often surprise me when away from their safety nests

Poor thing my arse.
Why on MN is EVERY "child" who is being a shit got issues or undiagnosed MH problems? Sometimes people can just be shits!
She is 17 years old. No way would I be pandering to her needs and offering other holidays with bribes of "small amounts" of alcohol and friends and clubbing-or bloody Ibiza! And Ibiza holiday at 17 for being a precocious little brat?! No bloody way on earth.
I agree she needs talking to one to one about her behavior, but buying her treats like a preschooler to persuade her to behave like she knows she should is bonkers. If she sat in a chair like a brick for 24 hours in my house when I was growing up she would have been ignored or laughed at for being a bloody idiot.
If she wants the advantages of being treated like an adult then she behaves like one first.

Thank you all for lots of responses.
Firstly I don't compare her to her father to her, I did by of explanation to you. I don't even put him down to her, as he had some biological make in her being and I don't want her thinking I think any of her is 'bad'.
I will take her on holiday my Aibu was whether aibu not to 'want' take her.
She wants to come.
She doesn't want a caravan holiday (beneath her apparently)
Wouldn't dream of sending her to Ibiza - oh even the thought of the trouble!!
Can't leave her at home, the last party she went to at friends they pulled a radiator off the wall, the door frame down and one child was hospitalised for alcohol poisoning. We don't have parties for her friends here, although she does have friends over, she's always asking for parties as we do have a big house.

I haven't gone into massive detail of all of her behaviours, there are too many incidences to give.

I suppose what I was after was an epiphany of how to ensure she has a happy and nice holiday without it making it so others, her younger siblings don't.

I accept she is unhappy, she refuses counselling. I have taken her to the doctor countless times. DH and I are in counselling so that we can best deal with her and her behaviours. So I know not taking her would massively hurt her, but I also have to consider the hurt she is causing the other children. As it does affect them, I don't want to be that mum to the rest of them saying 'well you know how she is, we'll just have to put up with it'.

I started a thread a few weeks ago about leaving my 14 year old dd at home for 5 days (not alone). After advice on here I have spoken to dd and given her a choice of coming with me and her sister or staying with her dad, she is considering staying behind as she doesn’t like beach holidays and Is likely to complain about everything we have planned to do.

At 17 I was allowed to stay behind when my parents went away, once I stayed home alone for 2 weeks but I wasn’t the type to throw a party and I had family keeping a close eye on me.

@CookieSue222 they sound very similar. And I do absolutely over compensate, and awfully also give in by way of trying to make her happy and therefore easier to be around. But it's never enough. DH says if I gave her a car she'd want a plane! Which is true.

OP it's great that you've offered counselling and you and DH are getting support. Just keep trying with her I guess, I think it's a good thing that she wants to come away with you she's choosing to be part of the family. Maybe give all the kids a say in what their number one priority is for holiday and try and find something that suits everyone as best as possible. Good luck!

My dd is similar and she's currently sulking as we won't take her boyfriend of 4 months on holiday with us!
I'm sticking to my guns.
There's nothing wrong with her either, she seems to be nice to everyone except me, dh and dd.

Mm. After DD was a little shit on holiday (and pretty much constantly in between) between 12 & 16, we told her we were NEVER taking her abroad again. Instead, we'd have a week away ourselves, and she could go to PGL or SILs if she wanted. Negotiations took a month or so, and we went to Iceland while she cleaned the house for £20 down and up to 80 on return, subject to performance.

We came home to a gleaming house, a teenager who was actually pleased to see us, and 2 inches down on the gin bottle. YMMV.

Yep - the squeaky wheel always gets the grease.
Ledkr yes, just that! She's got loads of mates, so she obviously is nice with them - so same here, it's just immediate family that's the problem.

I’d just do a uk Caravan type holiday this year she isn’t going to pay for a new passport so again you will be paying. If she strops off at least she speaks the language and if you have to come home early it’s only a few hours drive. Next year go aboard as a relaxing family time without her moodiness.

I don't really think parents are 'entitled' to a holiday without the children. Once you're a parent they are part of the package. It sounds as though taking DD or leaving her is likely to make your relationship with her even worse. Maybe more of a priority is spending time with her and trying to re-engage.

You have my sympathy, I have a daughter with behaviour problems very much like her fathers. I won't lie I dream of when she is old enough to not come on holiday with us sometimes. One thing that seems like harder work but is worth it, is to take a well behaved friend of hers with us. Is that possible? Would hopefully stop her complaining she is bored and might be a good influence.

You have scapegoated her.

YANBU in wanting to holiday without her.

Personally, I'd send her to some sort of boot camp for a week.

I haven’t got the teenage years yet so easier said than done but I don’t believe anyone should walk on eggshells for anyone no matter what their age. Stop pandering!

This teenager need support- not pandering.

She needs an adult to re establish a respectful relationship with her.

She sounds screwed up and in need of help, not more sanctions.

She can demand all she wants though-but why does she get?

Equally, why should everyone else have to have a caravan holiday because she's defaced her passport?

What's her punishment for that-buying her another??!!

I would be tempted to get her into a bootcamp somewhere.

@VladmirsPoutine I'm 31 so hardly another world, I had average GCSE's, family didn't have money and I had little in the way of life skills but guess what, I coped! I actually worked in Wilds bakery tho so you were close 🤣 I don't live in Kensington but I do have a nice home and good career so I did alright. I might add I have a great relationship with my parents which wouldn't be the case if I'd of stayed and disrespected their house rules.

Stop giving in!! Don’t worry about the fallout. Ignore it!!

Temporary temper tantrums are far easier to deal with then an adult who is selfish and demanding. You need to step on and deal with this.

A very small crumb of comfort - when she eventually grows up and maybe has kids of her own, one of them might be a right madam. When she comes moaning to you about her , try not to laugh! And don't 'babysit' while you daughter goes on holiday!!!

What kind of holiday is it, OP? I'll probably get slated but at 17 I'd let DD have the odd glass of wine with dinner and try to treat her more like an adult, maybe have an evening or excursion shopping just us 2. You never know, you might get some time together and bond a bit more (not saying you weren't bonded before, but teen behaviour can really push you to your limits sometimes).
Or, have you considered letting her invite a friend (if they pay and promise to behave)?

Totally agree on the bringing a friend. That's what we used to do. DD then couldn't throw a strop in front of her friend because she'd look pretty silly. They just used to go off together and the rest of the family had peace

That’s good you’re in counselling. However, I think it would be really beneficial to have someone come to the home. A teen psychologist to work with you as a family. Boot camp also sounds good.

I agree too, let her bring a friend with her, they can bugger off and do their own thing and let the rest of you have a peaceful time.

I met a lady on holiday last year who had brought a friend for her teen dd.
She was really upset as her dd was behaving even more bratish and both girls refused to do anything but sit in the caravan on their phones and moaned about the food, pool, beach etc. They didn't want to do Day trips but weren't old enough to leave so the woman and her dh and younger child were stuck on site!
I don't want to be responsible for someone else's teenager when I'm on holiday as well as my own.
I like to relax and be myself.