Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel on my friends who never visit me or just want a free lunch

238 replies

Ginchihuahua · 14/04/2018 23:32

I moved from the city I lived and to uni in last June to a more rural area 30 mins train ride away. I still work in the city so commute daily each day by car which is an hour each way.

I have a group of uni friends, there are 4 of us all together that always met regularly. Since moving I have invited them over on 4 occasions for housewarming, my birthday etc they have declined each time instead suggesting to meet in the city.

I invited them over this Sunday, without asking me they invited their kids & husbands bumping the number to 7. I had planned to cook a roast however had to explain my small cottage cant seat 7 and suggested booking a pub lunch. They cancelled stating they couldnt afford a pub lunch (we are all in the same profession a £12 lunch is easily affordable for us).

However straight after suggested meeting in the city for lunch instead. I begrudgingly agreed. However frankly I feel like cancelling.
Im upset this has happened everytime they have been invited and it seems they were only visiting if they got a free lunch. I cant see how money is an issue if they are paying for lunch in the city!

Commuting 5 days a week is tiring enough without doing it on a Sunday too! What do you all think? Should I cancel? Ditch my friends entirely? Or suck it up and go tomorrow?

OP posts:
Hellomumsne · 14/04/2018 23:40

It's a tough one. I've also moved to about 40 mins train ride out of the city and people don't like coming out unless they can stay the night. If you live in London it often takes an hour just to get from one side to the other so maybe they think the city is meeting in the middle.

Hellomumsne · 14/04/2018 23:42

But I totally get you, it's knackering travelling back in on the weekends. Mine's just 40 minutes on the train but 90 minutes door to door if I'm going anywhere in London.

Eighttimeseight · 14/04/2018 23:42

That sounds really frustrating. You've got some lazy friends. If it was me I'd cancel as I wouldn't enjoy the lunch - go with your gut feeling.

LexieLulu · 14/04/2018 23:44

I would have straight up commented "I though you guys were broke after suggesting food in XYZ?"

GreenTulips · 14/04/2018 23:45

I don't know really. You moved so you should make the effort to meet. They all live near each other so it's easier.

My friend moved the other side of the city and on a good run it's 40 mins but that's an hour and a half in total - and as I drive that means no drinks.

Original poster
Ginchihuahua · 14/04/2018 23:48

Thank you both, its not London so door to door they are only looking at 45-50 mins by train. I'll see how tired I am tomorrow but as I feel this way I feel it may be best to cancel rather than going there begrudingly and not enjoying myself.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 14/04/2018 23:50

they invited their kids you say....

Do you have any?

Kids make for a whole different dynamic. Yea, pub lunches at 12 quid a go and kids are probably too expensive, and tiring.....

BackforGood · 14/04/2018 23:54

I wouldn't just cancel.
I'd go and tell them what you've told us. I think they could have come to your housewarming - it seems a bit off not to do that, but, as a general rule, it clearly does make more sense to meet in the City as there are 3 (or 6) of them that would have to cough up the train fare rather than one + it is you who moved away + I suppose they will know more places to go in the City where you all are.

Original poster
Ginchihuahua · 14/04/2018 23:54

Flysway no I dont have kids however they seem happy paying for a kids lunch in the city though. I need to have more back bone and tell them how I feel really but not sure how best to approach it. Im normally very honest with friends but have never spoken my mind with this group.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 14/04/2018 23:58

It seems strange to invite friends with husbands and kids to lunch on a Sunday and not invite the whole family. Notwithstanding whether they come to you or expect you to go to them all the time, maybe try and plan a get together that is a little more in synch with family life?

BarbarianMum · 14/04/2018 23:59

You don't want provide dinner for 8 but you're happy for them to pay train fares and for lunch in order to come to you?

Jon66 · 15/04/2018 00:02

If they have children it makes it more difficult to make the effort to go out of town. I think you are being a little unreasonable as you were the one moving away. Can't you meet at some halfway point?

PetulantPolecat · 15/04/2018 00:03

Maybe they just don’t want to add another 2 hours of travel to a weekend lunch with an adult friend as that changes the dynamics of their weekend with kids and partners. It may be easy to pop out for 2 hours in the city to have lunch and their kids/partners make separate plans for lunch... but to take out 4 hours in middle of day means their kids/partners have to make separate day plans. That changes the dynamic completely. I don’t think they’re tight as they’re surely spending more on travel along with their partners to come out to yours. Whereas I’m guessing you have an annual and weekend travel is already paid for.

TheBrilloPad · 15/04/2018 00:05

As you were the one that moved away, I think you should be making the effort to visit them on "their" turf. It's not fair to expect 3 or more people to incur the costs and time taken to travel to you, as opposed to you being just one person, who knew this was a risk you took moving away.

A quick two hour lunch in the city close to home is very different to spending a day with 2+ hours on trains (probably more on a Sunday) etc

Gemini69 · 15/04/2018 00:05

Your friends have kids and husbands to consider.. the weekend could be the only time they have together as a family unit.. giving up one day on the weekend is massive... you don't seem to appreciate the family dynamics OP.... If I were you I would cancel... Flowers

MyDcAreMarvel · 15/04/2018 00:05

Of course you can seat 8 , how odd. Just use tray for dc on the couch. An floor picnic for the kids. Borrow chairs from neighbours etc.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 15/04/2018 00:06

I see the issue op it's like they just can't be arsed to see you unless there's free food

I'd tell them that you don't always want to go to the city and see what they say. Also, you invited them and they just assumed partners too? That's bizarre.

lattewith3shotsplease · 15/04/2018 00:07

OP,
This is what happens when you move away, I'm afraid.

Time to look for friends closer to wear you live.

Same thing happened to me and I lost contact with many friends.

snewname · 15/04/2018 00:09

I’d be hurt too.

Branleuse · 15/04/2018 00:11

i think they could possibly be forgiven for thinking the sunday lunch invitation was a family invite, as its classic family lunch time, commonly the one time where everyone is together? Would seem a strange time to invite a woman with young kids to me.

I do think its a bit cheeky about arranging a meal in a city later, and bailing out of a pub lunch on the day. Might have been something to do with the kids, or maybe they hadnt budgeted for all eating out when they thought theyd been invited for dinner

i can see why youd be slightly miffed, but it doesnt sound that bad either

Flampingu · 15/04/2018 00:14

Borrow chairs from neighbours Hmm

Original poster
Ginchihuahua · 15/04/2018 00:15

Sea I do appreciate family dynamics I'm married too albeit without kids yet. However we are uni friends are have always met up as just the girls without partners. We know eachothers partners but dont invite them unless its birthdays, big party etc

Marval I really cant seat 8 its a small 17th centuray cottage we would literally be on top of eachother!

Petulant I drive to work so am incurring expense visiting them to.

My issue is they agreed until I could no longer provide lunch. 3 of them have not even seen my house once despite me attending their housewarmings etc.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 15/04/2018 00:16

I find it bizarre that you would think that someone with a family would leave them on a Sunday to travel for an hour to have lunch with you when presumably they also work so want to spend their leisure time with their family as well as with friends . Surely if you want to see them without their partners and children it would make more sense to do it of an evening in the week when you are already in the city .

Shadow666 · 15/04/2018 00:17

Cancel tomorrow if you are tired. They do sound like they’d rather meet in the city, so I’d just stick to meet-ups in the city. When people are working and have kids, weekends are important family time, so I understand why they don’t want to spend weekends trekking out to visit friends. You just have to accept the friendship for what it is, I think.

GreenTulips · 15/04/2018 00:18

I have children

Sunday is spent sorting the next week out - uniforms homework admin ironing shopping etc followed by an afternoon out and coming back to cook a roast

Couldn't see DH being happy to entertain the kids and cook tea plus baths hairwashes PE kits etc on his own - it's his weekend too