To cancel on my friends who never visit me or just want a free lunch

[Ginchihuahua]

I moved from the city I lived and to uni in last June to a more rural area 30 mins train ride away. I still work in the city so commute daily each day by car which is an hour each way.

I have a group of uni friends, there are 4 of us all together that always met regularly. Since moving I have invited them over on 4 occasions for housewarming, my birthday etc they have declined each time instead suggesting to meet in the city.

I invited them over this Sunday, without asking me they invited their kids & husbands bumping the number to 7. I had planned to cook a roast however had to explain my small cottage cant seat 7 and suggested booking a pub lunch. They cancelled stating they couldnt afford a pub lunch (we are all in the same profession a £12 lunch is easily affordable for us).

However straight after suggested meeting in the city for lunch instead. I begrudgingly agreed. However frankly I feel like cancelling.
Im upset this has happened everytime they have been invited and it seems they were only visiting if they got a free lunch. I cant see how money is an issue if they are paying for lunch in the city!

Commuting 5 days a week is tiring enough without doing it on a Sunday too! What do you all think? Should I cancel? Ditch my friends entirely? Or suck it up and go tomorrow?

I love my daughter dearly, and have nobody but myself to please, but now that she's moved an hour away I don't visit very often :( I feel guilty, but in reality it's a whole day gone if you visit someone that far away. You're either hanging around someone else's house for hours, preventing them from getting on with their own interests, or having a quick chat and a look around then driving home. It's feels forced, instead of the ease of dropping in for a few minutes to catch up, then both parties getting on with their day.

Tbh, they don't want to travel for the best part of an hour with kids to go for lunch somewhere. They would travel to see you at your home, because that makes it worth the trip. If they are going out for lunch they may as well be anywhere. As such it makes sense for the 1 to travel to the many instead of the other way around.

What’s with this exclusionary tribal thought process? “You moved away so it’s now up to you to make sure you’re seen.” That’s a crap one sided friendship.

YANBU, @Ginchihuahua. Your friends are being lazy. You’ve given them five chances now to come see you and share this new part of your life and they keep rejecting you. I would stop and let them drop away. It’s painful though.

Damn, forgot to make my point in that post DD and I have reached a compromise, which is that I visit once a month and stay for a couple of days. It takes the pressure off. The OP's friends - particularly those with children - might like a Saturday/Sunday in the country with their DP and DC. It would mean meet-ups with just one friend at a time, but would make it pleasant and worthwhile for everyone.

Unfortunately you only find out how committed your friends are when you move away. Really good friends do make sure they visit, and you do the same by visiting them. Friendship is a 2 way thing.

, they don't want to travel for the best part of an hour with kids to go for lunch somewhere.

Then don't bring the kids. I think pp are right that the not bringing the partners/kids into your home is the reason they changed arrangements I think they are probably offended and you would have been better to make everyone welcome.

I would still have visited my friend though but maybe just made it clear that they would prefer to do things at the weekend with families in future for example is there a country pub with garden somewhere in the middle?

Nobody is going to ditch their kids to go for a Sunday lunch with friends! You’re being really self centred!

YABU.

I say that as someone who has moved away from where I grew up. If I didn't maintain my friendships by going back to socialise, I would have lost them. And it sounds like you moved out to an area which has nothing to bring them except you, so if they thought the (fairly long) journey was to eat in your house, which you have been bugging them to do, it might make sense. But to eat in a pub, which they can do anywhere, then no. Also bringing family is pretty normal.

Honestly, you chose to move. They stayed in the city where there is stuff to do and people to see. They don't owe it to you to be traipsing out to where you now live, to socialise in a very restricted form (no children, original friends only) on the weekend. I don't think they are doing anything wrong here, and would advise you to have a rethink before flouncing.

You think you understand their family dynamics but from your posts it’s clear you really really don’t.

It’s not about snubbing you, it’s about them managing their family, money and free time. You think you understand this (as I did pre kids) but you don’t. When you have kids, time, energy and money get condensed. Kids take priority over mates. If they are working, the weekend becomes high quality family time which is so precious.

You might just have to accept that for the moment you and your friends are out of sync. It doesn’t mean your friendship is over or that anyone is being mean. You are just in very different places and stages of life.

I think it’s the kids that are the issue. But it’s unreasonable to not have visited you even once!
Is it possible for you to drive them out in a Friday after work, have a night at your place and drop them to the train on Saturday morning. I do think they should give you a Friday night every now and then.
You’ll have to change the dynamic too, meet up after work, stay in the city the odd night too.
I’m always amazed at how some people are unable to meet a friend without husband and kids in tow. Once. In. 9. Months! I know if I’ve had a busy stretch at work I wouldn’t Swan off on a Sunday but I’d try to come to another arrangement.

"They stayed in the city where there is stuff to do and people to see."

There is plenty of stuff to do outside cities. Not necessarily the same stuff, it's a different type of environment, but it isn't another planet!

"They stayed in the city where there is stuff to do and people to see."

There is plenty of stuff to do outside cities. Not necessarily the same stuff, it's a different type of environment, but it isn't another planet!

Just make a buffet roast for your friends. Bit naff to cancel on them. Chuck the kids in the garden, or stick on a dvd/tv for them if weather is crap.

We moved away a few years ago from a group of friends and we knew even before we did that the responsibility would be on us to travel back to them to keep in touch.

Our choice to move and it's easier for us to go to them than all of them to come to us.

Yes they have visited a few times, which was lovely, but it is by far the exception

They have to make a nearly two hour round trip by train (and how will they get from the train station to a pub? Taxi?)

I think there was a misunderstanding when you invited them, now it looks like you don't want their husbands/children in your home. It would have been better to invite them to your house for drinks and nibbles (coming all that way your friends will want to see where you live?) Can you not provide a buffet style lunch/nibbles and some cushions on the floor for the kids?

When you have kids and work, weekends are really precious family time. If they travel to meet you without their kids, they'll be using up the best part of a day (including travelling). It makes sense they want to meet in the city. That way if they come without kids they can get home sooner, if they bring kids they won't be bundling them on and off trains and can leave when kids get too wild!

There's no way I'd take my toddler on a 50 min train journey, walk/taxi/bus to a country pub, then do the journey in reverse when she's tired and grumpy. At least going to someone's house you can relax, feel looked after and let toddler use up some energy in the garden!

This happened to me too when I moved. In the past 6 years I've had 2 friends visit me, both just once. It's disappointing and I've pretty much given up on them now. The problem is that as I work in the old town, I don't have a chance to make local friends.

Nobody is going to ditch their kids to go for a Sunday lunch with friends!

Hmm. Is it bad that I would? (In a heartbeat!)

YANBU for being upset, you feel how you feel, but they are also NBU to all take a chunk out of their Sunday, it sounds like the implied message from them is 'it's so much easier for you to come to us on Sunday' but that's the part of the conversation that wasn't verbalised.

I've done the same as you, moved out of town and as a result see my friends much less often, it is upsetting but it's a choice I made for other reasons. I know it's up to me to see them.

Im a bit perplexed at some of the comments im getting here especially about my understanding of family life. Im married too and will hopefully have kids on the horizon soon.

They all work part time or shift work (husbands included) apart from me.

Yes I moved and expect to see them mostly in the city as its more convenient. However I am hurt they have not made the effort once to see me/my house.

I have friends scattered everywhere and make the effort because I want the friendships to work. Friendship is two ways and after 4 consevutive declines to my invitations I feel like giving up.

Even when we lived in the city only 2 miles apart there was a reluctance to visit in my area (they percieved it as too posh). Maybe just admit defeat as they are obviously not that bothered.

Im not sure how op changed things if its always been a friends only lunch. Sounds like there was a miscommunication though so i would give them the benefit of the doubt.

I would cancel lunch if you dont want to travel op and they can still go together. I would also try to rearrange another date and if they decline then ask what date suits them. If it is still excuses then sadly you have your answer.

While you did move away, it is pretty poor that they cant make the effort even once.

But they were prepared to come to see you and your house and you’ve made it very difficult for them. As others have said, you could have fed the children first then the adult and planned an afternoon walk to the park etc.

Even when we lived in the city only 2 miles apart there was a reluctance to visit in my area (they percieved it as too posh).

WTF?

I don't think they sound very nice.

45-50 mins by train is nothing for a trip to a nice rural area to see a friend in a lovely 17th-century cottage!

I cant see how money is an issue if they are paying for lunch in the city!

Surely there's a difference between paying for lunch for one in the city and paying train fares plus lunch for two or three in the pub?

Petulant I drive to work so am incurring expense visiting them to

Why, if you've driven to work anyway and are meeting near there?

So was the housewarming a party?

Oh, and by the way:
'There's no way I'd take my toddler on a 50 min train journey, walk/taxi/bus to a country pub, then do the journey in reverse when she's tired and grumpy.'

'It would have been better to invite them to your house for drinks and nibbles (coming all that way your friends will want to see where you live?)'

The OP initially DID invite them to her house and didn't invite their children (or partners).