To cancel on my friends who never visit me or just want a free lunch

[Ginchihuahua]

I moved from the city I lived and to uni in last June to a more rural area 30 mins train ride away. I still work in the city so commute daily each day by car which is an hour each way.

I have a group of uni friends, there are 4 of us all together that always met regularly. Since moving I have invited them over on 4 occasions for housewarming, my birthday etc they have declined each time instead suggesting to meet in the city.

I invited them over this Sunday, without asking me they invited their kids & husbands bumping the number to 7. I had planned to cook a roast however had to explain my small cottage cant seat 7 and suggested booking a pub lunch. They cancelled stating they couldnt afford a pub lunch (we are all in the same profession a £12 lunch is easily affordable for us).

However straight after suggested meeting in the city for lunch instead. I begrudgingly agreed. However frankly I feel like cancelling.
Im upset this has happened everytime they have been invited and it seems they were only visiting if they got a free lunch. I cant see how money is an issue if they are paying for lunch in the city!

Commuting 5 days a week is tiring enough without doing it on a Sunday too! What do you all think? Should I cancel? Ditch my friends entirely? Or suck it up and go tomorrow?

It’s just not working. I’d ditch them.

Some of the replies here are just batshit. I didn't realise that there were some people that refused to do anything without their family at the weekend. When do people see friends then? or do people insist that their husbands and children come along too whenever they meet up. Sounds crazy to me. Weekends are the ideal time to catch up with friends as alot of people have a partner who will pick up the slack and look after dc. This is what was agreed with the OP friends before they changed the plans at the last minute so I think all the patronising comments to the OP accusing her of not knowing what it's like to have kids are out of order.
OP it sounds to me like they cba travelling over to see you. Maybe go to lunch today and chat about how to work meet ups in future. If there's 4 of you and 3 live in the city seems fair that 1 in 4 meet ups should be nearer you

Yabu, sorry but sundays are for my family. No way am I going to make that trip and a day of it to leave my ds and dh behind.

XiCi I see friends during the evening! I only get two days a week with my children....we're working and they're in school. I just don't WANT to do things which aren't family orientated on weekends.

It will change as mine hit their teens I'm sure...they will get their own plans then. But for now, they like doing things with us and we like it too!

I am more likely to go out to a restaurant or to the theatre and drinks midweek with mates than go to their home for a child-free lunch on a weekend!

I think it's reasonable to want your friends to show some interest in where you live now but I think YABU to write them off over this particular scenario. You've made a big deal about wanting them to see your house but when they've finally said they'd come to it, you've decided to go to a pub instead.

In your shoes, when they told me they were bringing extra people I would have said that it would be wonderful to see everyone but as I don't have a table big enough to seat everyone we would have to wing it with regards to seating arrangements at mealtime. If I'd finally gotten them to agree to come see my house I wouldn't quibble over a few extra bodies! I'm a 'the more the merrier' sort of host though.

I understand that they changed the goalposts by inviting their families but the flipside of wanting them to be interested in your new life may be you embracing their life changes too. Do you show an interest in getting to know their partners and children?

Very cheeky of them to invite their husbands and children, without asking first just like that.

But Ajas, the OP has stated that her friend's requested a weekend meet up rather than evenings, so that their Husbands could look after the children.

So I do tend to think that if you don’t require things to be too civilised you can usually get more people than you think into a house. I live in a 2 up 2 down terrace, 12 feet wide with a 5ft wide kitchen, and we fitted 20 or so in for dinner (massive vats of ratatouille and pulled pork). We squashed on the sofas, sat on cushions on the floor and I keep some folding chairs behind a sofa, so we got those out too. If the husband was prepared to come and not be able to stand upright then that is up to him really?

Equally though, I don’t think having an occasional day out without kids is unreasonable, and I know how important it was to me when I bought my first house to have people to visit - as I was really proud of myself for getting to a point where I had saved enough to afford one!! I always make an effort to go to house-warming parties, even if they are a long way a way as they are often a culmination of many years of scrimping and saving and planning!

RoundaboutSnail, that's not what I said. I said she wants to show off her home as in show it to them. Some people don't give a shit if other people ever see their home. Some do. I get the impression OP falls into the latter camp and was suggesting that maybe her friends don't realise how much it means to her for them to see it.

Clearly OP some people think yabu and some people don't. If you want to maintain the friendships I'd tread carefully. If you aren't that bothered then it doesn't really matter who is being unreasonable.

You were the one who moved away and it's easier for everyone to meet centrally in a city. I think you should cancel today if you are tired but accept that in the future you'll meet in the city. Stick to week-day meet ups after work so that you don't have to commute again at the weekend.

That's what I meant, throw. I still don't see anywhere that suggests the OP wanted to show off the house.

This talk about “all the kids and husbands” is confusing me. It’s gone from the original four of you to a total of seven people - so that’s an extra three people. Two husbands and one child? Two children and one husband?

I can’t see why it’s such a big deal fitting these three extra people, at least one of whom is a child, in the same house tbh. Even if it was built in the 17th Century. I bet they had 14 people living in the house in those days.

Are people not reading the updates who are saying about precious family time?

It was a women only lunch at the ops friends request! They wanted childfree time. All of a sudden they have changed their minds and not told OP until the last minute. They then say 'lets do the city instead as its easier for us'. It sounds very much like they planned that all along.

Round, I picked it up where she said this:

"3 of them have not even seen my house once"

And the fact that this is the fifth time she's invited them. Suggests to me she's keen for them to see it. If the usual plan is to meet in the city they may not get why OP is so keen to change the plan.

The thing is, OP, you can take some of these comments here as a way of understanding your friends and realising that it is nothing to do with wanting a free lunch and nothing personal, or you can continue to feel hard done by and dump your friends.

Only you can decide that. Personally I think refusing to have their families in your house was a bit precious.

No one is right or wrong here. You're all just navigating that tricky period that many friendship groups hit in their late twenties/early thirties when partners and children come along for some but not others (yet). There needs to be some give and take. I know the phrase "family time" is cringey and twee, but for many it's only possible to get together as a family unit on Sundays, especially in households where sports feature strongly. So, I'd issue a "too all" invitation to a Sunday BBQ/picnic, and arrange to see the women on their own in the city after work from now on.

I moved away too, and I can tell you this changes everything.

people really won't put themselves to trudge out to see you, and it is easier if you adjust your expectations, and realise that to their minds you decided to move out so you need to make the effort. It might not be fair but it is the way lots of people feel.

In addition they have busy lives with children and most likely won't want to spend the Sunday apart, so of course they will decline. If they have young children pubs are a nightmare. Weekend is precious family time. If you still want to see them alone stick to week nights in the city and don't invite them again.

You sound at very different stages, and you might be viewed as quite demanding.

I would look for another circle of local friends to compliment your city friends, and take the pressure off this group.

I would be really pissed off if i arranged a child and partner free lunch at my friends request, when my partner was out of town, and then they all decided to bring them at the last minute without asking me.

Family time is precious but these other women wanted child free time and partner free or OP would have arranged for when her wife was there!

So i do think they are very much in the wrong for changing plans at the last minute without asking their host.

Yes - though I suppose it depends on whether it was clear that family was not invited. Very rude if so. Not at all rude if it's just a mistaken assumption.

Maybe the friends said in passing that weekends are easier for childcare but in reality it isn't the case. They have may said it flippantly and without really knowing that op would take them at their word.

If I was invited anywhere on Sunday I would assume it was all of us, as in our entire family as would all of my friends.

As I read your updates Op I can't help but feel you have all totally outgrown this friendship. Everyone is at different milestones and different life styles. The golden days of easy adult weekend lunches are truly over in the most part for most parents, as are cocktails after work and spontaneous get togethers. Most parents are exhausted and in need of more down time, not more commitments and expectation.

I think you either to fit in (because you have more time and energy at this point in your life, and can be flexible) or expect this friendship to die a natural death.

Your expectations of them is too high and will breed resentment.

But the friends requested said childfree lunch.

From the ops updates We know eachothers partners but dont invite them unless its birthdays, big party etc and I understand family life but they decline evenings due to kids so specifically ask for weekend meet ups so partners can look after the kids.

Yes probably because they do the evening pick up during the week so they literally aren't available. But if OP said "would be great to see you all for Sunday lunch" and her friends assumed that meant their families too, that's quite different to OP saying "let's do a girls lunch on Sunday" and them saying OK but our families are coming too.

It's not clear because OP has gone quiet - hopefully because she's having a nice lunch with her friends.

Plus you have said your area has been seen as "posh" by them. Posh might be their polite term for " I think it's completely non-child friendly and unsuitable my rampaging toddler." Or it might be "I can't afford the ridiculous prices in your area"

Her PREVIOUS area. Not where she lives now. Read the OP's posts properly, for heaven's sake.

I'm at all the people throwing up their hands in horror/telling the OP she doesn't understand family life at the thought of a person going out socially on a Sunday without partner and kids.

Especially as the OP says 'they decline evenings due to kids so specifically ask for weekend meet ups so partners can look after the kids.'

I dont do evening pickups but would still decline. Their reasons for declining an evening dont matter, they know its a girls lunch and that OPs wife is away. They also dont normally have partners and weekend meet ups are cf at their request. OP also said they invited without asking.