To cancel on my friends who never visit me or just want a free lunch

[Ginchihuahua]

I moved from the city I lived and to uni in last June to a more rural area 30 mins train ride away. I still work in the city so commute daily each day by car which is an hour each way.

I have a group of uni friends, there are 4 of us all together that always met regularly. Since moving I have invited them over on 4 occasions for housewarming, my birthday etc they have declined each time instead suggesting to meet in the city.

I invited them over this Sunday, without asking me they invited their kids & husbands bumping the number to 7. I had planned to cook a roast however had to explain my small cottage cant seat 7 and suggested booking a pub lunch. They cancelled stating they couldnt afford a pub lunch (we are all in the same profession a £12 lunch is easily affordable for us).

However straight after suggested meeting in the city for lunch instead. I begrudgingly agreed. However frankly I feel like cancelling.
Im upset this has happened everytime they have been invited and it seems they were only visiting if they got a free lunch. I cant see how money is an issue if they are paying for lunch in the city!

Commuting 5 days a week is tiring enough without doing it on a Sunday too! What do you all think? Should I cancel? Ditch my friends entirely? Or suck it up and go tomorrow?

YANBU. Having children, does not mean you have to stop making an effort with your friends. Yes your life changes when you have children and your priorities change, but that doesn’t mean that good friends should get sidelined and always be expected to revolve everything around your convenience because you now have children. People will eventually get pissed off if you treat them like this.

Fine if they feel it’s difficult to get to your house as you’ve moved further away and yes as you moved away, there should be a few more concessions on your part, but it wouldn’t kill them to make the effort once in a while. It’s not like you’re asking them to go up there every week and give up every weekend with their families (although they’ve said weekends are best anyway, so clearly family time can’t take up that much of the weekend).

And I see no reason why they’d struggle to afford a local pub lunch with husbands and kids but can afford a city lunch with husbands and kids in tow. What’s the difference? Except the city lunch will probably actually cost them more?

I think they just can’t be arsed to travel to you and expect you to come to them because there’s 3 of them and 1 of you, so they feel it’s easier for you to do the travelling than for them.

I wouldn’t blame you for cancelling. I’d feel the same. If you do decide to go meet them, maybe it’s something you can talk to them about? If they’re good friends and you’re all comfortable talking to each other, maybe it’s worth just talking to them about how you feel?

@stayhomeclub

Agree with everything you’ve just said

I suspect this is a Londinium dilemma. I would comment that you are sounding like you are in a happier situation with work life balance and time is approaching where the ties will naturally be cut with these friends. Other evidence is they have totally dissed you on milestone events so think that should be enough to say f*ck them

It would be nice for you to come back in 5 years when you've had 2/3 children and reflect upon how naive your current comments may have been! Good luck you'll need it, hee hee :-)

Except many parents on here agree with the OP Sent...

FGS YWNBU OP! You invited your friends over for lunch - they had to buy one train ticket each or all drive (which they could share and therefore save more money). They invited their families along which would've cost them extra in train fares etc. and would be a squeeze in your house (I live in a cottage and totally understand how this is). You suggested an alternative so you didn't have to tell them their husbands and children weren't actually invited and they have now totally changed your invitation/plans.
I have a dp and 3dc and I work but I would visit a friend/go out with friends on a Sunday without them - it's not like it's a regular occurrence. If I usually met up with a group of friends without our partners/children I wouldn't just assume they were all invited.

I think you've had a hard time on this by pps. Seems people don't have days/evenings out without their families once they have children I am sure even if you have children in the future you will not look back on this and thank ah now I see & I think it's silly pps saying that you will

Yeah - I have a friend who seated 8 in a studio flat - 2 on a little table, 3 on sofa, one on beanbag, can't remember where the rest went.

I think if you accept you're not all going to be sitting around a dining table it can be more doable than you think.

To me it would be better than cancelling it and the subsequent upset. I think you would've had a nice time.

It’s a combination of moving out and the children. I live on the edge of London (outside travelcard zones) and nobody from within the city will ever travel out to visit me. Ever. All meeting up is done in the city. Going into the city centre is central to everyone and generally people have season tickets or whatever so the cost is already taken care of, whereas to travel out here is at least a two hour round trip plus cost of train ticket. That’s just how it is.

And the children thing. I got annoyed sometimes with friends before I had a child as they’d always want me to come to them. But now I totally get it that it’s a lot easier for one single person to travel to a meet up than it is for someone to bring children (esp. small ones) along. Keeping them occupied on the journey is a pain. They’ll want to go and do something at the destination rather than just sit and eat in a pub. I go and meet up with friends on weekday evenings sometimes but weekends are family time.

YANBU OP because - apart from the lunch and who does what at weekends - they just don't seem to making any effort to seeing your house. Maybe you could say "it's a shame it didn't work out this time but let's make sure we have a meal at mine, because I'd really like you to see the house". Then they will surely make an effort next time. Or they're not worth bothering with - although that would be sad. Hope it works out.

I can absolutely see why you're upset, OP. I think your friends were very rude and they even went on to contradict themselves, which must've made it all even worse. If it were me, I'd have cancelled.

I moved away from my home area 3 years ago and, while I understand travel is an expense, I thought at least one of my friends might have come to visit. I have plenty of room for visitors and have repeatedly said I'd welcome them and would love to see them, but not a single one has visited. I'm very sad about it but I'll stop with the invites now. It's not a nice feeling to give up on my friends.

There is a similar dynamic where I live, most people live in the city and then a minority of friends live around a 40/hour commute out.

Typically those who live out, would come into the city for group events (if the rest of the group lived in the City) if it was just a low key lunch or something.

People are prepared to travel out if it is to events at peoples homes or a 'special' dinner out organised for a special occasion etc. Or if an entire day of afternoon was being made of it with families involved (hike or day at the beach etc.)

For this type of low key girls only catch up - If you are not actually hosting I think the unspoken rule is to make it easiest for the majority - which in this case is in the City.

I can totally see their view point - why are we all trekking all the way out there just for a pub lunch.

I don't have kids and in these circumstances would not expect friends with young kids to be making the most effort travel wise etc. I would work around them.

There are some very smug posts though, about eye rolling and giggling at how naive the Op is. Please please as parents don't do this - it makes you look like total twats to be honest. I totally cringe when parents do this - I cringe for them. You are not rocket scientists or pioneers and this sort of behaviour is so embarrassing to witness.

Just an objective opinion.

OP - Did you meet up with them on Sunday or not?

Why are you on mumsnet if you're not a mum 🤔

OP I think it's a bit shit of your friends. It's a one off, not a regular Sunday arrangement! Surely they can leave their families for a few hours just once??
I moved hundreds of miles from my home town some years ago. A few friends have visited over the years but not regularly. I understand that, I'm not a day trip away. I see them when I visit home & those really good friends stay in touch by phone. It's great when they do come, we have a good weekend in a beautiful city (often doing stuff I don't do when they're not here!!).
I hope you resolve this 💐

Plenty of women on mumsnet who aren't mums . There are also men !

And agree with the smug parent eye rolling "your so naive " shit

I am a mum yes life changes but Christ some people make it sound like your life is over ! I still manage to see my friends with and without dc in tow , always have , and restaurant / pub visits etc . I'm also a single mum . Iv even been on a child free holiday in this time ! The audacity !!!

Well the smug eye rollers completely missed that these meet ups are without partners and kids unless its a special occasion. And that the OP said her friends asked for a child free weekend meet up so their OHs could watch kids.

2andcounting
I assume that meet ups would usually be in the evening. Sunday lunch is different.

Personally I'd make the effort to come and see a friend's new house. If a weekend meet up with specifically suggested then it's very rude to change the plans back to the city. I do agree that the trip out your house sounds like a real schlep. I probably do it like once a year and hope to meet up in the city the rest of the time.

Sounds like your lives are growing apart. Sometimes you just have to do all the running if you want to stay friends with people. If you don't want to then don't. YwNb to pull out of next meet up.

But the op said they are normally lunches...

Actually i see she said just not evenings but weekends, however she also says these meet ups are always just the uni friends.

I think they all decided not to bother. Probably one decided and chatted in advance and so did the others agree. Very rude to decide family should be invited too especially as the OPs wife is away.

What do people think is outside the city? It's as if some people think they'll be visiting the OP in a cave and have to travel by horse and cart for 24 hours.

Why are you on mumsnet if you're not a mum 🤔

Not this old chestnut again 🙄 FFS give it a rest it’s bloody boring now. And sounds super sanctimonious.

As has been said a million times by people on here, there are people TTC who want advice, there are people who are thinking about having a child who want advice, there are men on here who want advice. Some of the topics on here have absolutely nothing to do with children or having children. Guess what? You don’t need to be a parent to offer someone advice on a nasty neighbour, or give your opinion on bombing Syria or ask if a friends behaviour is appropriate. All topics that are discussed on here that do not require a parental certificate to join in the discussion.

What do people think is outside the city? It's as if some people think they'll be visiting the OP in a cave and have to travel by horse and cart for 24 hours.

😂 I did a genuine Lol at this . You'd think so wouldnt you !
Like a scene from the railway children or something 😂

Just from my own perspective on the cusp of this...

I have a few groups of girlfriends who are all late twenties, mostly engaged, married, or with babies here/on the way. I am getting married this year.

I have a girls get together coming up this weekend and am DREADING it. We're going to one of the few single girls flat for the weekend, which means two nights on a shared sofabed. I have to go 'out out'. I need to lose weight so I'm not drinking one night, and will take it easy the other. The food plans all involve me spending a lot of money on food I can't eat a lot of. When I get home, I need to go to a family do. I was away last weekend, so apart from the ones my fiance handles, there'll be all the house stuff to sort.

In short... life changes. The messy weekends I used to have where I'd be happy (and lucky) to get a spot on a sofa and 4h sleep are long gone.

I know there aren't a huge amount of parallels, but my broader point is - life changes. I don't actually want to spend a whole weekend with just the girls. Seeing someone's new house is not an enormous priority (I mean, bloody hell, I was lamenting not being at home to do the laundry this weekend!).

I'm not saying that YABU - but please don't judge your friends as heartless because ALL of your lives have changed, and the same things just don't have the same appeal.