To cancel on my friends who never visit me or just want a free lunch

[Ginchihuahua]

I moved from the city I lived and to uni in last June to a more rural area 30 mins train ride away. I still work in the city so commute daily each day by car which is an hour each way.

I have a group of uni friends, there are 4 of us all together that always met regularly. Since moving I have invited them over on 4 occasions for housewarming, my birthday etc they have declined each time instead suggesting to meet in the city.

I invited them over this Sunday, without asking me they invited their kids & husbands bumping the number to 7. I had planned to cook a roast however had to explain my small cottage cant seat 7 and suggested booking a pub lunch. They cancelled stating they couldnt afford a pub lunch (we are all in the same profession a £12 lunch is easily affordable for us).

However straight after suggested meeting in the city for lunch instead. I begrudgingly agreed. However frankly I feel like cancelling.
Im upset this has happened everytime they have been invited and it seems they were only visiting if they got a free lunch. I cant see how money is an issue if they are paying for lunch in the city!

Commuting 5 days a week is tiring enough without doing it on a Sunday too! What do you all think? Should I cancel? Ditch my friends entirely? Or suck it up and go tomorrow?

Why are you on mumsnet if you're not a mum 🤔

Why are you on Mumsnet if you've actually never clicked the talk button to notice its many non-parenting related areas?

@Fleshmechanic

Why do you want to exclude dads? And non-parents?

And I think it's absolutely fine for parents of young children to decide that they can't possibly have anything other than family time. What they can't then do is have any expectations that other people will bother trying to maintain friendships with them. I think OP is entirely justified in stopping making any effort with them now that they've shown so clearly that they no longer have any intention of reciprocating it.

I wouldn't mind the schlep. But scheduling a friends no family lunch in the middle of the day might now work for me for a host of reasons. Evening meal during the week no problem. Or even an evening weekend event.

Also, by being upset that they haven't made the effort to come and see you doesn't take into account what else is going on in their lives. Presumably they also have other friends who may have one off things at weekends they want them to attend, grandparents/other relatives to see. I know half our weekends each month are taken up by organised kid activity stuff (and that's with a two year old), one weekend is usually shopping and one we try and have a relaxing weekend at home. We are just starting to get kids' party invitations at weekends too.

It's no longer a case of am I (single female) free but can I fit it in around what the rest of my family want/need to do? I've severed links with one single friend who (amongst other things) seemed to think my DH was there solely to do all the household stuff and facilitate my social life. She was most miffed I wanted to put him first... And that was before we had a child.

Riding - exactly.

I get that the OPs get togethers have always been between the uni friends only, but that may well have to give now.

My home friends got together for a baby shower and partners were invited - all reasonably familiar with each other, and the guys went out to drink together. It made it so much more convivial to not feel like the different parts of your life don't mesh and you have to do ALL of them separately as well as just the YOU stuff.

I have:

• my family
• his family
• uni friends
• home friends
• home friends 2 (NC with other home friends)
• new city friends

I'm already splitting my social time six fucking ways, and that's just if I see them in groups. Doing it in the most efficient way has to change your life a bit. I tend to need two months notice for a Saturday evening.

It made it so much more convivial to not feel like the different parts of your life don't mesh and you have to do ALL of them separately as well as just the YOU stuff.

This is a matter of opinion, though. I go to a lot of social events without my husband, and wouldn't maintain a friendship with someone who always wanted to bring her partner - not because I think my way is better than hers, but because it's different and incompatible. I don't want to be part of a partnership where all social events are shared.

I have to say though, I have loads of friends with kids and I never get this eye-rolling smug attitude from them... at least not to my face!

Although one woman I worked with said it was ok for me to fly with the local airline with lower safety record on the work trip, but she couldn't possibly because she had children (who were not flying) and that if I had children I would understand....

Margaret - I agree, BUT - they do, in my experience, need to mesh a bit.

Take my six friend groups up there - say I want to meet up with each of them once every two months. 4/6 of those groups are based around the country requiring at least an overnight stay (but would occasionally come to me obviously).

Already, I'm looking at 4/8 weekends in two months spending a night away at the weekend away. (TBH, usually plans are for the whole weekend to make the most of seeing people) Or half the weekends of the year.

So try for seeing everyone once a quarter - 4/12 weekends away. A bit easier. But now I'm seeing them less, and the other groups still need to be fitted in, and there's anything I actually have to do with my life on the other weekends.

So whilst not having partners in tow all the time is one option, just sometimes being able to mesh different parts of your life helps all concerned.

I don't think YABU as such, you made an invite to your friends - which THEY then changed the goal posts in inviting all the family. Yeah ok, they have kids, so? Do they never spend time apart from the children to be with friends? If they don't socialise except as families then I think that is the issue at hand. If they get together in the city as girls only, then yes I do think they are showing their lack of priority for you.

An hours journey each way is really not that big of a deal. We recently moved hundreds of miles away and both our sets of best friends have made an effort to come and see us here, once each, and we've been back to see them several times too. If they're really friends, they'd make an effort in return of your effort.

People change and grow apart, maybe just back off a bit.

I don't think you're BU at all.

You've always met up without partners, so it's not unreasonable to expect that when they come to yours it will be the same. They've invited others without the manners to even check with you first. They've suggested weekends are easier for them because they can get their OHs to look after the children and yet this only seems to apply in the city. You've invited them to yours several times and they haven't made the effort. They've turned down lunch in the countryside but are happy to buy lunch in the city. Frankly, it smacks of them just not being arsed to do anything that isn't completely convenient to them or exactly how they want things to be.

I had a similar thing, except that I moved to a more urban area (you know, with good public transport links and places to park nearby) and most of my old friends never ever came to me. We had a tradition of going to the pub together once a week and, even before kids were on the scene, it was always me who had to go to them. It's even worse now there are children (as an aside, those who say "Pfffft! You think you're tired now - do you know how hard we parents have it?" aren't helping. It's not a competition and you just don't know what goes on in other peoples' lives, even if they aren't a parent) and I've largely given up. I truly and honestly do my best to understand that you don't have as much time, flexibility or energy when you have children, on top of the fact that kids aren't units that can be plonked from one place to another, they need entertaining/naps/feeding and that can't be accommodated just anywhere. But I get wholeheartedly fed up when there is absolutely zero effort from friends no matter how flexible I'm prepared to be on arrangements and I am the one who compromises every single time.

Sad as it is, some friendships just don't survive a change. Or that change highlights people not being who you thought they were.

Find a new group of friends who you can be open with and resolve it without fear of hard feelings. Sounds like they don't value you as a friend.

I think it's part of moving away from the rest and something you'll have to work around if you want to see them. Could you all meet halfway somewhere?? A potluck picnic or something?