To cancel on my friends who never visit me or just want a free lunch

[Ginchihuahua]

I moved from the city I lived and to uni in last June to a more rural area 30 mins train ride away. I still work in the city so commute daily each day by car which is an hour each way.

I have a group of uni friends, there are 4 of us all together that always met regularly. Since moving I have invited them over on 4 occasions for housewarming, my birthday etc they have declined each time instead suggesting to meet in the city.

I invited them over this Sunday, without asking me they invited their kids & husbands bumping the number to 7. I had planned to cook a roast however had to explain my small cottage cant seat 7 and suggested booking a pub lunch. They cancelled stating they couldnt afford a pub lunch (we are all in the same profession a £12 lunch is easily affordable for us).

However straight after suggested meeting in the city for lunch instead. I begrudgingly agreed. However frankly I feel like cancelling.
Im upset this has happened everytime they have been invited and it seems they were only visiting if they got a free lunch. I cant see how money is an issue if they are paying for lunch in the city!

Commuting 5 days a week is tiring enough without doing it on a Sunday too! What do you all think? Should I cancel? Ditch my friends entirely? Or suck it up and go tomorrow?

They understandably don't want to lose an entire day on the weekend with their children just to see your house. I think you are being a bit oversensitive about this and a bit unreasonable. I'd go to the city this time and while there chat to them about doing something involving their families that means they can see your house. For example a picnic locally.

I just think it's normal, OP. I live in East London, but always meet old friends in central London, because nobody wants to come out here. Nor do I want to trek to Dulwich or Harrow or Earlsfield etc. Nothing to get offended about.

The friends who mostly come to my house are ones I've made locally. Have you made friends where you live? Maybe entertain them at home, but be prepared to keep seeing the others in town. I wouldn't ditch them over this. Your perspective may change when you have kids (annoying but true).

Surely there's a difference between paying for lunch for one in the city and paying train fares plus lunch for two or three in the pub?

Assuming they paid attention to the original invitation, they would have known that they would only have to pay a train fare for one; the OP was providing lunch at her home and hadn't invited children or partners.

To me it is the difference between 6 people (including kids) l paying to travel 1.5 hours round trip and then having to pay for lunch out over 1 person travelling (no kids) and paying for lunch out.

Maybe they were happy to come to your new place and it would be easy to entertain their kids there rather than travel to where you live and find somewhere for lunch.
Maybe in the city they have an idea of where to go, kids and adults will both be happy and it doesn't involve so much travel?

Why not just keep it to meeting up after work instead?

Did they actually say your previous area was too posh or did you just get that impression?

Do you have to invite them all as a group to your house? Why not invite one family at a time if you want to do sundays?

I also agree with some other posters, I wouldn't travel an hour out on the train for a lunch out with kids in a pub but I might do it to be at someone's house as more flexible and relaxing. ESP if I wanted to see my friends new house rather than a pub.

If I was you I'd go with my husband to the lunch in town and make a nice day of it

Do you have to invite them all as a group to your house? Why not invite one family at a time if you want to do sundays?

I also agree with some other posters, I wouldn't travel an hour out on the train for a lunch out with kids in a pub but I might do it to be at someone's house as more flexible and relaxing. ESP if I wanted to see my friends new house rather than a pub.

If I was you I'd go with my husband to the lunch in town and make a nice day of it

Fruitcorner123 - I agree with you, I don’t understand all this ‘but I can’t leave my kids with DH on the weekend’ or the fact it’s ‘high quality family time’ and I have 2 kids! If a friend invited me to her new place and I told my partner il be out on Sunday visiting her he wouldn’t have a problem, he would look after his own kids and spend some high quality 1:1 time with them without me.

I didn’t know people had such a thing about ‘Sunday’s’ and that they would all expect there partners to be invited as well.

I don’t think yabu OP, they simply can’t be bothered to travel to you because it’s to much effort!! Cancel and find some new friends local and see the others as and when it suits you

I am surprised at this thread. Yes I would travel to go and see a good friend without my husband and kids on a Sunday. It’s a one off. They don’t have to be joined at the hip surely just because it’s a Sunday.

I can see why however once you mentioned the pub they might not want to travel to have lunch out.

I must admit I am also a bit perplexed at the “can’t seat 7 people” comment. There were 4 of you anyway and if your own husband was there that would be 5, no? Could you really not find room for another 2 people? What did you do at the housewarming?

I don't think yabu op. They are just happy to do what is convenient for them. The kids and family weekend issue I don't understand. I have a child and am quite happy to go out on a weekend without them to meet friends. They are just being selfish and I would probably let the friendships slide if it's going to be one sided compromise.

To be honest, I think you're being unfair. They clearly all were going to make the effort to to come to your home, but you told them they weren't welcome because of three extra people so you'd all have to go to thr pub instead. Most people welcoming their friends welcome their families too in this scenario.

I also don't believe you can't accommodate three more. Even if it's a buffet or kids on the sofa. The issue is you don't want to.

The thought process of they just want free food is very very bizzare. That's a hell of a lot of effort they were willing to put in for some free food. Unless you're nigella lawson and known for banquets, it's highly unlikely they were all willing to take that time out their Sunday to get the train to you for free food. So they were coming to see you. And you said no, you cannot come to my home if you bring your families, let's meet in the pub.

As PP's have pointed out, having young kids takes priority at weekends. They might not be able to afford a £12 lunch as easily as you because children are really, really expensive.

They all work PART TIME. You work full time with no DC.

Plus you have said your area has been seen as "posh" by them. Posh might be their polite term for " I think it's completely non-child friendly and unsuitable my rampaging toddler." Or it might be "I can't afford the ridiculous prices in your area"

I think you are a bit mean saying they only wanted a free lunch. Not everyone can afford travel costs plus a pub lunch. They probably ( rightly?) think you have more money than them, and no kids yet, so it is easier for you to travel?

Also, I would laugh my head off look sideways at them if a non-parent told me they were tired as they had commuted all week and expected me to travel to them. Tired? You wait until you have young children

I'd cancel. I'd say that on reflection you've realised that as they can pay for a city lunch they could have paid for lunch near you. Rightly or wrongly you feel a bit sad and upset that they've not visited and think perhaps the friendship,has reached the end of the road. Ask them to be honest with their responses and wish them well.

I can see it from their point of view and I think YABU I'm afraid. I don't quite get the inviting them for Sunday lunch but not their families. Sunday lunch is usually a family sort of gathering isn't it? Perhaps that's why they assumed their family was invited. If you wanted just them I'd have thought Saturday night cocktails and a Chinese more fitting.

Also, you sound like an intelligent person so I can't grasp how you can't figure out a way to feed 8 people. You could ditch the roast and do something simpler and perhaps feed the kids first, then the adults? Put picnic blanket on floor for kids? Buy a small folding table for kids? Gazebo in the garden ? Or do just Buffet food and everyone sits where they want. If you really wanted to see them for lunch at yours, you'd figure out a way to do it.

If its always been a friends only lunch then op hasnt changed anything. They decided to invite family and put the cost of travel up and expect op to provide food for extra people.
I definately couldn't accomodate 7 extra people for a meal in my house. I dont have a big table for a start off nor 4 or 5 trays to give people! And i wouldnt be able to walk anywhere with 4 kids in the middle of the floor! Not everyone has a house with big rooms!

Ops friends are prepared to pay for lunch out for themselves and kids in the city but a rural pub lunch is too expensive?

Op has done all the running so far i think her friends could make an effort at least once. Its not the other end of the country its 30 mins in a train ffs.

Why is it ok for her to pay petrol/train fare to go meet them but not for them to do it? They were only going to be paying for themselves same as op has to now.

sammy

My dh works away all week so Sunday weekends family time are very precious.

Small Kids change everything and until you have them you don’t realise the logistics of train travel eating times and naps etc.

Meet up after work in thr city

There is something not being said in the op though. She says there are four of them, so assume three friends visiting. She says they are all brining their husbands and kids. But the numbers only jump to seven. So they can't all be bringing their husbands and kids. The numbers would jump way higher than that. It would be Ten at least assuming a husband and one kid a friend as a min. She also doesn't allude to her own husband and where he will be and if he is in the seven or the original four.

So max two or three extra people. That's not them all bringing their husbands and kids. It simply can't be.

Your complaint was they haven't seen your house. They then offered to come to your house and you declined them! So it is you that has rescinded the offer.

The cost of a train for a family of four plus £12 lunch plus taxi/travel to pub is quite a lot. Why would they come to the pub in the middle of nowhere now, when they aren't going to see your house?

You disinvited them, not the other way around!

I think 7 would have been a squeeze but you could have had a picnic on the carpet, buffet on the side. I have had 7 easily in my small kitchen, we all just sit on sofa arms and if children are around, they don't take up a whole seat!

30 mins on a train is 'too far' for friends who havent bothered to go to her house once so far but op should buy extra tables and gazebos for her garden to accomodate their families?
Don't think so.

What part of 17th century cottage size rooms is hard to understand? Op says there is not room for all those extra people.

To clarify location they are all walking distance (within 20 mins) of the city train station. I live centrally in a small town its a 5 minute walk to my house

All husbands and kids are going to the city lunch so costs much the same. If the train was a cost issue thhey could have drove.

I do feel I do all the running. I understand family life but they decline evenings due to kids so specifically ask for weekend meet ups so partners can look after the kids.

I really cannot seat 7, there would be no to walk. My celing is 6ft 2 tall (old cottage) and one husband is 6ft 4. It would have been extremely uncomfortable for him not to be able to stand. Friend is aware of this

I don't think anyone suggested she should buy extra furnishings? Did someone suggest that? And it's only two or three people more.

The point is she wants them all to travel to her but they are not invited to her home anymore, they are invited to the local pub.

I think I'd just say 'I'm knackered, can't face the city this weekend! Catch up soon - let me know when you're free to come over'

If you are unhappy and feel you do all the running then tell them so.

I would expect to be more accommodating than you have been if I were inviting them to travel to my house though. How many children are there? Is it just one? As you say the number increased to seven from three so I'm guessing it's three husbands and one baby?

My wife is away (im female) so the idea was a girls lunch at mine bluntness.