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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend 9k on dental crowns - DP annoyed!

222 replies

theforeignwoman · 11/04/2018 15:30

To put it briefly, I am only 27 years old and have grim, yellow teeth that are only getting worse no matter what I do. They're perfectly straight and quite nice if you disregard the colour of them, but I have had to have a number of fillings throughout the past two years and no matter how good care I take of them, I still end up with chipped back teeth and cavaties. I have spent a fortune on teeth whitening just to at least brighten them up a bit but it's no good.

DP partner complains that I never smile. I even cover my mouth when I speak to strangers. I can't get myself to make friends or meet new people as I am constantly thinking about my teeth. I've basically put my whole social circle on hold until I can get this sorted.

I've had enough. I have decided I am going to get dental crowns once I have had our child (currently pregnant) and finally feel good about myself. This is going to set me back £9000. Money I have saved up on my own. DP and I don't share finances. I am financially better off than he is.

He says I am being ridiculously selfish for spending that much and that I should just get over it. He also says that white fake crowns will look bad, and he is not sure he will be as attracted to me. He wants to get married in the future and I have told him that there is no way that is going to happen until I get this fixed and I can smile on my wedding day.

AIBU for just going through with this despite what he thinks?!

OP posts:
cansu · 11/04/2018 15:32

It is completely your decision. It is money you have saved up yourself. I would tell him to piss off frankly. Do what you need to. I find his veiled threat that he won't find you attractive a mean and manipulative thing to say. I would tell him that his feelings are really quite shallow in that case!

sahknowme · 11/04/2018 15:33

Your money, so YANBU. Have you looked into getting it done abroad? Might be able to save a few quid and still get top quality work.

MoistCantaloupe · 11/04/2018 15:35

Well, you aren't married and it is your money. 9k is clearly a massive amount of money, but obviously, it's all relative. I spent 4.5k on my own teeth (brace etc), and it was completely the right decision and I am so much happier - and look happier now that I smile!

Stirner · 11/04/2018 15:36

I mean, as long as DP hasn't subsidised any of these savings then YANBU. But don't boot off further down the line if he spends similar on himself.

FluffyWuffy100 · 11/04/2018 15:37

Your money, your teeth, your decision.

My dad spent a lot of money on his teeth at age 50 and my god the difference in him is amazing. He never used to smile in photos and now he has a lovely smile and is more confident and happy.

MrsMozart · 11/04/2018 15:38

I've recently finished implant treatment.

Now I can smile again and it's made a huge (huge!) positive difference to my self confidence and just life in general.

Therefore I'd say go for it.

FranticallyPeaceful · 11/04/2018 15:39

Yanbu if you don’t mind your partner splashing out on 9k worth of stuff that only benefits him

RatRolyPoly · 11/04/2018 15:39

It's tough to judge on what you've given us I think... Firstly I think there is definitely some truth in your partner telling you you need to get over it. You've said yourself your teeth are perfectly straight and otherwise "nice" were it not for the colour. To me it's a complete over-reaction that you would be covering your mouth to talk and never smiling simply because of the colour of otherwise nice teeth, even if they were brown!

But saying that of course it's your money, it's your mouth and ultimately it's your happiness. I don't know how much 9k means to your family unit or what impact that would have on your finances with a baby on the way, but my advice would be to try and show willing towards your dp and maybe try to be a little more relaxed about your teeth in his company.

If by some miracle you no longer feel the need to have the veneers done, well then you can pocket the 9k and have a lovey holiday! Although what's far more likely is that you'll still want them done, but at least your dp will have seen the effort you've made and feel a little more generous towards the idea. Then just go ahead and get them done - and enjoy Smile

WowLookAtYou · 11/04/2018 15:40

I was talking to dh just this morning about dental treatment and the expense (thought I might need a crown and was wondering about asking for a cheaper option). His view was that teeth are worth paying for, and to go for it.

DancingLedge · 11/04/2018 15:40

Go for it if you can afford it.

Agree the colour with the dentist- white can be natural and clean, doesn't have to be like dentures of yore.

Get a not terribly showing one done first, as a trial?

Arapaima · 11/04/2018 15:40

It's your money and, as you don't share finances, your decision.

However I can see why your DP would think this is a lot of money to spend on something that is probably much more obvious to you than anyone else. Does he realise how much this affects your self esteem? Is there anything that he indulges himself in (ie spends more money than is rationally justifiable) that you could point out?

As an aside, how is the "not sharing finances" thing going to work when you've had the baby? Are you going back to work full time? What about during maternity leave?

Prettylovely · 11/04/2018 15:41

You saved up for it, Get them done!
I would also rethink marrying him, He doesnt sound very nice!

GigALig · 11/04/2018 15:41

He's being ridiculous. I'm in Spain so things are a bit different here. We've (DH and I) just spent €8k on my teeth. Chemo fucked them. They were already bad, full of fillings, but after chemo one of them dropped out.
I'm having implants in four of them (€6k), the other €2k was deep cleaning (under gums), and all fillings replaced and teeth reconstructed.
They don't do metal fillings here, only white (metal fillings are a UK thing), so now a have white lovely teeth.
There was no question of having it done. I (and DH) are really pleased with the result.
I can't understand why your DP would have a problem with it. You won't even be using family money, it's money you personally have saved.
He's being very weird.

Trinity66 · 11/04/2018 15:43

Its a shame he doesn't want you to feel good about yourself

Stirner · 11/04/2018 15:43

I bet If it was a male posting this problem there would be a lot of screeching about "family money"

Original poster
theforeignwoman · 11/04/2018 15:45

To be fair, he doesn't spend much on himself either. He has savings too, but no where near as much as me. We prefer to keep our finances seperate just until we decide to get married. This is money I have saved up for me, and I do have another savings acount ready for my maternity leave. So it wouldn't affect him or baby in any way financially.

OP posts:
WowLookAtYou · 11/04/2018 15:45

screeching? Hmm

scottishdiem · 11/04/2018 15:47

Once you have the baby surely all money is family money? With family decisions.

Or does this only work when its the men who have more money?

Arapaima · 11/04/2018 15:47

Is he financing part of your maternity leave though? After all it's his baby too. Sorry, this may seem off topic, but it is sort of relevant in terms of his general attitude to money.

Original poster
theforeignwoman · 11/04/2018 15:48

No, he is not financing my maternity leave. I have saved that up on my own, too. I am on a much higher income than him.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 11/04/2018 15:49

I bet If it was a male posting this problem there would be a lot of screeching about "family money"

Not from me, my reply would be the same, if it were my DH and he was self conscious about something like this I'd be encouraging him to get it done

PlumsGalore · 11/04/2018 15:50

I would do it. My teeth are OK, fairly white but a bit crooked and a few crowns.

Doesn't stop me smiling and no one has ever said my teeth are dodgy but with cosmetic treatment being do amazing now I am really tempted to have a proper smile makeover, braces swap fillings, tooth whitening, the lot.

If I had a grim smile and the money in the bank I would have no hesitation.

lou1221 · 11/04/2018 15:53

I personally think that this is your money, nothing to do with the 'family' money, and that you should do what you want with it. Although saying that, and I don't know how true this is, but I've heard that implants/vaneers are not permanent. I looked into it a few year's ago, and the dentist said they'd last 10-20 years but would need redoing. Not sure if that's true, maybe go to an independent dentist who isn't after making lots of money and find out all you can.

LineysRunn · 11/04/2018 15:54

I had a crown recently - the dentist discussed the colour with me so it was white but not ultra-fake-white iykwim. Looks great.

I'd go for it.

Juells · 11/04/2018 15:55

I can't help wondering if your teeth aren't as bad as you think, and you've just fixated on them? I got that way about thread veins in my cheeks at one point, now I can't even see them in a magnifying mirror. It started when I went into a friend's bathroom and saw my face in full sunlight lol. I obsessed over them for years.

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