To spend 9k on dental crowns - DP annoyed!

[theforeignwoman]

To put it briefly, I am only 27 years old and have grim, yellow teeth that are only getting worse no matter what I do. They're perfectly straight and quite nice if you disregard the colour of them, but I have had to have a number of fillings throughout the past two years and no matter how good care I take of them, I still end up with chipped back teeth and cavaties. I have spent a fortune on teeth whitening just to at least brighten them up a bit but it's no good.

DP partner complains that I never smile. I even cover my mouth when I speak to strangers. I can't get myself to make friends or meet new people as I am constantly thinking about my teeth. I've basically put my whole social circle on hold until I can get this sorted.

I've had enough. I have decided I am going to get dental crowns once I have had our child (currently pregnant) and finally feel good about myself. This is going to set me back £9000. Money I have saved up on my own. DP and I don't share finances. I am financially better off than he is.

He says I am being ridiculously selfish for spending that much and that I should just get over it. He also says that white fake crowns will look bad, and he is not sure he will be as attracted to me. He wants to get married in the future and I have told him that there is no way that is going to happen until I get this fixed and I can smile on my wedding day.

AIBU for just going through with this despite what he thinks?!

In my opinion, veneers can look ridiculous sometimes. I mean, does anyone think that Rylan's teeth look ok? Often they are too wide (much wider than a natural tooth would ever be) and far too white.

Have you had your teeth whitened by a dentist? Off the shelf products are rubbish, but proper whitening by a dentist is fantastic.

Hmm. He really does sound like a bit of a dick, and that a big aspect of his dickishness is him not wanting you to feel confident or happy about yourself. Some men are obsessed with the idea that, unless their female partners are broken in spirit and terrified that their male owners will dispense with them, the woman might have the nerve to look at other men or at least not put up with shit from the one she's with.
He doesn't want you to get your teeth fixed, though you believe this will boost your confidence. He does want to convince you to have plastic surgery, which you feel you don't need, because he doesn't want you to be happy about your body or your face.

I thought you were going to mention salaries nearer £100k. So you are looking to spend 20% of your joint take home pay of £73k on yourself. That would be a huge red flag to me as your partner. Sorry.

I had a friend who had a Mummy Makeover. We are talking nearly £20k - that is a huge amount to save especially if you have childcare when you go back to work.

Honestly I think there is something wrong if the teeth whitening doesn't work. It does if done properly.

Your money, your choice. But then, I don't believe in "family money" in very many circumstances.
I do think its really sexist the way the replies have gone though. If the man was the higher earner, most people on here think that the woman is entitled to dip her hands into his pockets when they have a child together as all money is family money. It seems that when the woman is the higher earner, "family money" doesn't apply.

Harsh put it better than I did. it seems if you don't work the money is family money (which is understandable) but if you do work your money is your own to spend as you wish. Is that the same for the men too?

For a few £100 I would certainly agree that you should be free to spend as you wish without making it a big drama (a bit of Botox springs to mind!) For a purchase like this I believe this is a joint decision.

Being completely honest, I would be a bit miffed if DH was suggesting £9000 of dental work (that wasn’t a necessity) just before/after having had our first child.

I would be a bit put out that the money could be really important later along the line and he spent that amount on just himself.

I might feel a bit differently if he had exhausted every other cheaper alternative but it sounds like you haven’t?

Hand on heart do you think you could try some other whitening techniques etc or is it just that you have set your mind to these veneers and don’t want to be persuaded that there may be cheaper options?

Just wondered if anyone has got the composite veneers, sorry to hijack your thread OP.

Just read your update. So essentially you’ve said I’m self conscious about my teeth and going to get veneers (and pay for it myself with my own money), he’s said I don’t see why you’re bothered about your teeth when your body is such a state. Save the cash and spend it on lipo and a boob job after a baby. Or am I reading that wrong?! If I’m even halfway right then get the teeth and ditch the man!

Family money as a concept is great when both parties agree to it and have similar outlook towards finances. It's not so great if one party is a dick who thinks a 'mummy makeover' is a sound idea while resenting the OP doing something that would massively improve her state of mind and confidence.

So long as both parties can meet their financial obligations, re the new baby, how they each spend their own savings really isn't the other person's business.

The more you say about him the more of a dick he sounds. Why are you with this idiot?

Do you pay a greater percentage of the monthly bills since your on a high income

Veneers are usually quoted as years, rather than tens of years and that matches the experience of those I've known.

Crowns are usually quoted as 10-20 years but I've some which are 30yrs old and still going strong. That is also very common so long as the underlying teeth are looked after. It used to be possible to get crowns which were not solely for cosmetic reasons on the NHS whilst pregnant and for 12 months after - no idea if this is still true?

Implants should last a lifetime if you look after them. I have a couple for teeth lost after an infection which couldn't be crowned - any crowns I lose I will replace with more implants, they are amazing.

All that said, for that money I would get a second opinion on your teeth generally and their prospects. If you crown a failing tooth your may end needing implants or false replacements.

In particular two unsuccessful whitenings needs an explanation (which you may have had).

Our household income is a lot higher than yours and I recently spent £4K on cosmetic dentistry. Like you, I'd saved this money out of my own spends (we both have the same amount of spends each month that we can spend/save as we wish).

I am thrilled with the result and DH fully supportive.

That said, I'd have really struggled to justify a 9k spend on something so frivolous. I could only justify 4K as I'd worked exceptionally hard for the last few years to dramatically improve my own income. I felt I deserved a treat.

I don’t understand why people are questioning finances.

The OP saved the money. She has totally separate finances to her partner. Therefore it’s hers and that’s how they decide to work as a couple.

If you believe you can afford it, and only you know that, then go for it. There is nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable in your skin and it sounds like it is really affecting your confidence.

As for the mummy makeover, I would leave any partner that even suggested that to me!!!

OP, you really don’t get cavities for no reason. Same for chipping your teeth. Unless this is all addressed, you’re on a hiding to nothing with crowns.

Added to that, if you go overseas, you’ve got literally no fallback. I used to see maybe one patient a month in my nhs emergency clinic who’d had treatment abroad with all the smooth selling etc only to find no one answered the “24/7 emergency number” when they couldn’t sleep with pain or a tooth had fractured.

Just my opinion. I don’t treat patients anymore so ¯\(ツ)/¯ but this isn’t just a cosmetic issue. There’s something behind it that needs addressing before you spend your money.

I spent £3k redundancy money on braces and I have never regretted it.
If you can afford it and it will make you feel better then I'm all for it.
I understand how having teeth you hate can be hard and I've seen how much better they made me feel so I say go for it!
If you have saved the money then it's not going to make any difference to him financially.

Those saying it’s frivolous, it’s really not. It’s a similar amount to a cheap car, or an expensive holiday. It’s far more important than these things which people spend money on all the time. Teeth are a huge factor in self confidence. They are looked at constantly and will still be there long after a car has given up or a holiday has been enjoyed!

There’s something behind it that needs addressing before you spend your money.

That would be my worry before spending the money. Fixing bad teeth can make a huge difference but it needs to be the right solution.

Gobsmacked that he is quite happy to spend money on OP having a boobjob/lipo/tummy tuck type stuff which she feels no need for, but not fixing her teeth which she cares about.

I have had crowns for nearly 30 years and so far only one has failed BUT I wish now that I had had a less invasive option. It was for cosmetic reasons, the dentist was keen, due to my age it was free. When the one fell off a couple of years ago I realised just how little of my original tooth was left when they did the crown, I really couldn't open my mouth because it was a pointy stump. Fortunately we had the money to get it replaced but it was 50:50 at first as to whether it would be ok, otherwise I would need to have the tooth removed, have a gap while it healed and then have an implant. I really would get some more opinions before committing to crowns primarily for cosmetic reasons. It is worth doing something but explore other options first.

There’s something behind it that needs addressing before you spend your money.

Agree with this. My UK dentist would just do stuff, a bit like putting a band aid on a gaping wound. My Spanish dentist told me that we needed to do work to treat the underlying problems else it would be pointless. Hence deep cleaning of gums and replacing old fillings that had some decay underneath. Get a full jaw x-ray and get the dentist to talk you through all the necessary work.

My teeth aren’t movie star perfect but they are all mine and healthy. I’ve always felt that the less you mess around with healthy teeth the better.

Your dentist sounds expensive. £800 a time for teeth whitening? Be careful with the veneers that they don't fill your mouth.

Money spent on your teeth is a good investment. It will make you more confident and attractive. You saved this money, it's yours. If he wants to worry about money, he should be more ambitious about earning more rather than trying to prevent you from spending money you can afford on something that will massively benefit you.

Are you eating hard boiled sweets and crunching on them OP? I've had loads of cavities too and chipped teeth and it was from this and drinking fizzy pop.
There no point in spending £9K unless you take a long hard look at what your putting in your mouth.You can get tooth decay still under crowns.I know this for a fact.
You need to rewind.

What does he mean by a mummy make over? Your teeth or something else??

Usually it involves tummy tucks and breast lift and/or implants. I say she changes the definition and ditches the DP, it would be like having an abscess removed.

As to actually suggesting a Mommy Makeover:

Oh, he’s all about putting you down to change something you want, something visible to everyone else; but he’s all for urging you to get surgeries you don’t want, for his satisfaction, especially as he’s the only one to see you naked.

Not sure why people are questioning the money she’s saved, prior to shared finances, and assuming she’s not worked hard to earn it. More so in light of his Mommy Makeover comments.