About not liking your child

[juicee2]

I imagine that many go through a stage of disliking their child when young, but I really mean when they are grown and when you realise their values are so opposite to yours and they just aren’t a pleasant person.

What can you do if this happens? Does the fact they are your child override everything else or not?

OMG you could be me!
I have 2 grown up children and feel very similar to you.
My children were at private schools so that they would have a good education to stand them in good stead to get well paying jobs. They did not have education in mind, all they wanted to do was to take up with boyfriends with bad histories.
They both work in poorly paid, no particular qualification needed type of jobs and put in many hours while the OHs are unemployed. They both had children before they were 20.
They do not wish to live in what are called decent towns but live in what are termed bad areas.
There is so much more but to mention things would possibly be recognisable.
I often ask myself why did I knock myself out trying to give them a decent start. I don't know the answer.
For other reasons I am safer to stay out of things. That is so sad, for me and their children. How it affects them or appears to them I do not know.

MsReturn you sound awful.

MsReturntoLife please tell me what a decent town is. Would love to know

georgiethegorgeousgoat I am hoping MsReturntoLife is a figment of someones imagination....I really really do.

Sadly I think MsReturn is real and I have suspicions she might be my Mum

I do worry about this. My dd is only 3 and I love her more than I could ever say but it does cross my mind sometimes that if she grows up to be selfish and inconsiderate of peoples feelings like her dad, where does that leave me?? It actually scares me that ill see these traits. I'll always love her though, obviously. I refuse to accept that you cant dislike your child though, if there are so many people that aren't your cup of tea its not impossible that your child could grow to be one of them

I can't say adult DS is unpleasant... but he does have a heap of values I don't share, which can be difficult.

Few things:
He still likes me.
I don't have to like him. My duty was (is) to do right by him.
We often manage a laugh & we like some of the same things.

Bit like any other relative, maybe?

I could imagine disowning a kid completely if they did something horrendous. One of the unspeakable crimes. I can be grateful for every day I don't have to make such a terrible decision.

My parents can't stand me. They're disgusted by my choices and situation in life, they sneer and criticise and have no loyalty to me at all. Always bitching about me to other family members and cutting me off for months if I stand up for myself. They can't see that the start that they gave me had private schools and travel and wanting for little but had lots of verbal and physical abuse that moulded who I am. Mix that in with a bucket load of middle class snobbery and it's a pretty lethal combination. It's fine. I don't like them much either.

You sound like my mum.

Weird, she's the only person that has a major problem with me. Taken a lot of time to overcome it though. It's a hideous thing to realise your parent doesn't like you.

If they are genuinely really unpleasent people then no I wouldnt be able to like them, I wouldnt be able to have a relationship with anyone who was nasty and wanted to hurt people
But when did this happen? As a child did you always dislike them and were they always unpleasent?
I also dont think many people do go through stages of disliking their children when they are young.

Oh my God MsGameandWatching, that MsReturntoLife could be a stand in for your Mum if her post is anything to go by.
Horrific for you.
I am quite sure though, it has made you a better parent. I am assuming you have kids of course.

Does the fact they are your child override everything else or not?

I think everyone has a line and once their child crosses it it changes everything.

My parents were hideous people, my father in particular. My Grandparents did everything they could - they funded rehab to the tune of thousands, they furnished flats, they put up with relentless verbal abuse and intimidation, but they had a line.

For my maternal grandparents that was a threat of assault on one of them. They walked away from their daughter (my mother) and their grandchildren. They had no contact with any of us.

My paternal grandparents stayed around for our sakes. They'd have disowned their son long before they did. In the end their line was when they discovered that my father wasn't just neglectful toward us, he was violent and abusive. They took us 4 kids for the weekend and refused to return us and went to court. They refused to have anything to do with him again after that. Although they did take in my mother for 3 weeks when she was dying when I was a teenager, which was bloody generous of them imo.

My grandparents were heartbroken by the way things went. I hope I never know what it's like to hit that point of actively disliking my own child. It must be heartbreaking.

I think I would struggle to like my children if they were not kind and caring towards others.

I'm not bothered about their "standing" in society and what job or how much they earn. My mother was actually upset when I earned more than her - no pride, just jealousy and anger. btw - earning loads does not make you happy, you can just have more money and buy stuff whilst being unhappy in that well paid job!! (I quit!)

But, are my children trustworthy and kind and have good moral values? Those are the important things.

Being unemployed is not a failure. As computers take over more jobs I expect more people to be unemployed in the future - that does not make them worthless as humans.

I am not MsGameandWatching's mum. There are mentions of things which just did not fit with my life and or children.
I tried my best with what I had at the time and if my children do not like what I did then I can only wish them well bringing up children.
I loved my children to the ends of the earth but they do not seem to care very much. They have been through things in their life choices that I know very little about and have not had first hand experience. I am heart sorry for them. I wish I could wave the proverbial magic wand for them but that is storybook nonsense.
I don't know what I could do but I am open to looking into anything suggested by posters who may or may not have had experiences of my children's lives or my life.

My mum doesn't really like me and I don't really like my mum. But we love each other unconditionally. By which I mean we wouldn't be pals if we weren't related, but we're always there for each other and are best friends in a lot of ways.

I'd be gutted if my daughter grew up with completely different values to me and we therefore didn't get along that well. But I think because of my experience with my mum I will probably be pretty flexible and try to embrace her values, likes and dislikes so long as they're not morally objectionable (which I hope is unlikely!).

@MsReturntoLife
If you don't mind me asking - are you still with their father? If yes, is he a truly wonderful, kind and caring person who only showed you love and kindness? I only ask, as children do tend to copy what they see.

Or, have their partners got bad histories and your children are kind and caring and see something positive in them, having chosen to have children with them?

Being proud of them for what they have done and showing them this would be a start to showing them love and respect.Make a huge effort to be part of their whole life including their partners. Invite them to your home. And be prepared, they may be unhappy but not been able to tell you as you may have said, "I told you so". Be prepared - they may also be very happy and you will need to eat humble pie as being unemployed does not make someone unlovable.

Reminds me of that Philip Larkin poem:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

MsReturntoLife what you said in your first post is vile. However if you really do care then the best advice I'd have would be to stop judging them and start showing them that you love them. Support them unconditionally, start with a phone call or an offer of lunch out where you do not put them down once, you don't judge or say one single negative thing, where you only say positive things and show an interest in their lives. Maybe prepare some responses like 'that's interesting', or 'how lovely for you' or 'that must have been hard for you' about something they are finding challenging. If you are anything like my Mum that would be an impossible task, but it might be a start of building some bridges.

We are all a product of our environment, if you have a child who you dislike it is probably time to take a long, hard look in the mirror IMO.

Well lots of people don’t like their parents but do love them. I often read on mn how posters find their parents so irritating/frustrating/don’t want to spend time with them and criticise them for their silly parenting errors seemingly unaware that in 20 years or so they might find themselves at the other end of the situation.

To me there’s a middle ground, I love my D.C. and I would struggle if they did unspeakable things but on more of a day to day level there are positives and negatives in all. Sometimes I find traits of theirs irritating nd discourage the behaviour, but a few don’t seem to be going away so maybe I won’t always be keen on aspects of their personalities.

My second eldest and I clash a lot, we do not have complimentary personalities and spending time with him is hard work. He’s such a ‘lad’, although I will always include him in the family, I expect he will be the one who spends more time at the in laws than at home!

I was joking return. Some of your details don't fit my situation either and my mother would never post on a chat forum, far too low brow .

I can't believe anyone would consider their children's jobs and homes a factor in how much they like them! That's horrendous.

Thank you Lola. I do have children and I hope I am a good parent to them. I certainly enjoy them and find so much delight in being with them in a way my parents never seemed to with me. I actually think they're the nicest people I have ever met and I hope that never changes.

I see this happening to other people and I just don't get it. I don't think I'm unusual in having DC whose lives don't turn out in the way you might have imagined - but not liking them???? That's so sad.

It's a tough one, I always see it as you could love your child unconditionally as it's a feeling you have little control over but you don't always necessarily like them or their actions at times.
My DM and DF are struggling with this right now with my DB. They love him but he is just not a very nice person He is mean, a bully, selfish and done some awful things to get his own way. I know it breaks my mum's heart to think that this is what he is capable of and what he has become.

Surely it’s more of them driving you mad one moment and then loving them the next?

I was wondering how much a bedsit for my 14 year old would cost last week. Then I remembered the next day he’s just a kid who I love very much.

He’s nothing like me, share very few interests and values. But I lived the life I wanted, he’s got no need to live out my dreams and asperations. As long as he throws me a smile once in while I can get past this teenage stage