Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not liking your child

189 replies

juicee2 · 01/04/2018 14:24

I imagine that many go through a stage of disliking their child when young, but I really mean when they are grown and when you realise their values are so opposite to yours and they just aren’t a pleasant person.

What can you do if this happens? Does the fact they are your child override everything else or not?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 01/04/2018 20:06

I'd struggle if either of them turned out to be Tories but I'd still love them and hopefully we'd be able to have some lively discussion.

ConciseandNice · 01/04/2018 20:08

@MsReturntoLife I totally get where you are coming from and please ignore the negative comments. They come from a place of ignorance and judgment themselves, as you come from a place of hurt and sadness. You are being ill-used and the hopes and dreams you wanted -and worked hard for- for your children haven’t come to pass. I worked so hard as a single mother to put myself through law school and so on in order that my kids would have more opportunity; one is an inveterate drug-user and the other a party animal with no feeling of responsibility or drive to do anything productive with their life. My parents say that I have made their lives too easy. I too am nothing unless I am willing to hand over money. I love them, but I honestly find this depressing and incredibly difficult.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 20:13

Concise. It has been said that the more you give or do for some people the more they expect. I think this could be true.

ConciseandNice · 01/04/2018 20:17

Yes I think you are right. I am slowly starting to refuse more often and although I feel pretty awful about it, I feel in the end it will help them. We live far away from each other so it isn’t so full-on as it could be, but yes, as you’ve said it can really get you down when you’ve worked so hard to get out of the potential poverty trap for your adult children to be back in it, on the dole etc, because of their lack of common sense.

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 20:22

I swing from loving my DD with all my heart and disliking her intensely. She is a young adult and I find her behaviour very very difficult to tolerate. I was going to start my own thread about it but really don't know where to start Sad

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 20:27

@ConciseandNice it's not necessarily ignorance and judgement. Many posters on mumsnet in general and this thread have had the same things you and @MsReturntoLife complain about said about them, me included. The sacrifice, the disappointment, the "wrong" life choices, the lack of common sense without us being drug addicts,reckless parents, work shy or lazy. It most likely comes from a place of hurt and sadness with some projecting added in for us too.

Ohyesiam · 01/04/2018 20:38

If that happened to me I would aim for loving them, if not their actions.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 20:48

I know I did not get things right otherwise I would not have had a divorce. I am sad for the children that they are going through hard things abd they dont appear to be happy. I never could say to the children do things this or that way. I would like them to be happy and not worrying about bills etc. It is their lives and they have the freedom to choose but I dont see why they take it out on me at times. It is them I worry for and hope they dont have to work at this rate when they are about 70

ziggiestardust · 01/04/2018 21:20

I think a few people have been quite scathing of msreturntolife.

Unless you have been through that scenario; I don’t think you can imagine how you’d react. I have a family member who sounds like they are in a very similar situation. She and her DH are the bank, but cut off when they refuse finance/babysitting at the drop of the house. They provided every opportunity, including sacrificing savings and pension pots for private education. Their children’s partners are just users; neither of them work or ever intend to again, even though one of them used to be a tradesman earning good money. It is a hugely difficult situation exacerbated by the respective partners, but every interaction is stressful. It’s heartbreaking. But you know, I’m really glad that there are a ton of commenters on here who could do a better job... do PM me your details so I can pass them on; my family members have clearly wasted a lot of time and money on the wrong therapists, soul searching and trying to fix it. Who knew that if they were just a ‘bit nicer’ it would all blow over?

Coyoacan · 01/04/2018 22:34

blame yourself as you brought your child up to be who they are

If only it were that easy.

We do our best, each in our own way and according to what we think best is.

MyMagicStars · 01/04/2018 22:38

I have eight of the blighters, youngest twins are now 19. Four boys, four girls. All completely different. None of them are like me at all, and some have made choices I wouldn't have made in the same situation. However, I love them beyond words. Sometimes, I do feel slightly disappointed when they throw away chances, but I'd never dislike them. All eight are currently home, with grandbaby due in the next fortnight, and I've never felt more lucky.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 22:57

MyMagicStars. You are indeed very lucky. Do all 8 children get on with each other? And all the various partners?
Mine are so busy fighting with all and sundry I could not have them in the house at the one time and then the partners. Even more opportunity to pick fights. I could not cope with the angst of all of them.

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 23:10

I'm a single mum and have done my very best for my daughter sometimes she's lovely to me but sometimes she treats me like a piece of dirt, she speaks to me with absolute disdain. I have never spoken to anyone like she speaks to me , she smokes cannabis which I detest , she loses her temper at the drop of a hat and anything that goes wrong in her life is taken out on me . I do love her but she's very hard to actually like at times.

frigginell · 01/04/2018 23:52

No, I can't imagine that I will ever dislike my children. I think that my love for them will mean that I will always be motivated to find things to like about them.

My parents and several of my siblings have done 'unspeakable' things and are, objectively, extremely difficult people. Two have even been diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder. I accept that some are dangerous, and have cut contact with several to maintain my own boundaries; but I love them regardless, and have never found it difficult to find things to like about them. I truly feel that there are qualities to find affection for in every individual, whether you choose to do this is down to you.

MsReturntoLife · 02/04/2018 00:11

Your relatives did unspeakable things to you and you cut contact. What if your children did the same unspeakable things to you? Would you not still want to maintain your boundaries? No matter who an attacker is or what method is used we all deserve to be safe.

frigginell · 02/04/2018 03:20

The op is talking about disliking your adult child, not maintaining boundaries.

Vathek · 02/04/2018 04:20

Mrs Return, of course you deserve to be safe. It sounds as though some your DC's issues may be hereditary.

Bufferingkisses · 02/04/2018 04:42

I think it depends a lot if you recognise them as adults, individual to yourself. Some parents never make that step.

I have an adult daughter who I love, beyond reason at times. However I am slowly having to accept that she is not always a nice person. She lies to and manipulates everyone in her life. Essentially because she is lazy. She becomes angry when she is caught out and the violence starts.

I love her and would do anything to help her but, and it's taken me a long time to accept, this does not mean I can "fix" her. She will have to do that on her own, in her own time, if she chooses to do so. She may decide she is happy with her life, if that is the case then I am no one to tell her otherwise. It's her life. It makes me sad but it never makes me love her less.

Devilishpyjamas · 02/04/2018 07:23

I think it depends a lot if you recognise them as adults, individual to yourself. Some parents never make that step

Yes I think this is true.

I can’t imagine how painful it would be not to like my children. My eldest has put us through the mill (he is severely learning disabled, severely autistic and attacked us so much it wasn’t safe for him to continue to live with us - although it’s now beginning to look as if he has just felt unwell for the last 3 years) but I adore him and love him more than I thought possible and see him as much as I can (although I would presumably feel differently about being beaten up if he had control over what he did).

My younger two are chalk and cheese.

I can’t imagine then being loutish, thoughtless thugs but think I would find it hard if either of them was lazy or thought they were above doing certain jobs (I have degrees coming out of my ears and currently work in a NMW job for additional hands on experience in the field before I retrain- enjoy it and am learning a lot).

Given their ages and the way things are going the only thing that I could see upsetting the apple cart now is if either of them got into drugs - that can change everything. I think then i’d mourn what was lost, rather than dislike the essence of them though. (A bit like I mourn what ds1’s disabilities have taken from him).

jeanne16 · 02/04/2018 09:45

My DH once likened me to a faithful puppy, as far as my DD is concerned. She can abuse and kick me (metaphorically speaking) all she likes. She then throws me a little bone and I am stupidly happy for a brief period until the next kicking.

I am really not sure how we got to this point or how to change it. Any sensible advice welcome.

Vathek · 02/04/2018 10:27

How old is your DD Jeanne?

ddrmum · 02/04/2018 10:36

Puntcuffin I totally sympathise with your Mil. Sadly, I think I could also be in the same boat as her in time to come. It's truly heartbreaking. In my case it's damage inflicted on an impressionable young person who won't see how much it has cost in terms of life choices, friends, opportunity and genuine love and care for them for some time, if ever. There are some truly evil people out there who disguise their destructive behaviours by calling it love and stopping others seeing the world for what it is.

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2018 11:35

@MsReturntoLife
Sounds horrendous for you. Flowers
I think it is easier for a daughter to cut off a bad mother, which I have done for various sensible reasons as I would be worried about her impact on me and my children. It's not like she's bothered anyway - she told me she wished I'd not been born etc..

However, like you, I don't think I could cut off my children (unless they did something horrendous) as I would always be hopeful of change in their situation and also with grandchildren involved it is a different situation and I'd want to be there to support.

I think you are doing what you can in a tough situation. All the best.

jeanne16 · 02/04/2018 11:47

Vathek. My DD is 23. She has always been difficult but I thought things may have improved by now but no such luck!

SparkyTheCat · 02/04/2018 13:17

Another one here who is disliked by their parents simply for refusing to fit into the 'marriage, mortgage and moppets' mould. Unlike their friends' offspring, with whose wonderfulness I am constantly regaled. It's fine - by a mixture of design and accident I've built a nice life, and worked out more or less how to manage the situation. As DPs get older and needier the boot increasingly is on the other foot, though - and while I will of course ensure they are well looked after, I doubt I'll be rushing to do the care myself/spend a great deal of time together.

Swipe left for the next trending thread