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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not liking your child

189 replies

juicee2 · 01/04/2018 14:24

I imagine that many go through a stage of disliking their child when young, but I really mean when they are grown and when you realise their values are so opposite to yours and they just aren’t a pleasant person.

What can you do if this happens? Does the fact they are your child override everything else or not?

OP posts:
MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 15:42

Ms GameandWatching - I will do anything I can to find a way to do something useful to find a way of helping my children. Posting on a forum is maybe low brow to your mum to me it is somewhere I can maybe find an answer.
I am proud that my children have worked hard and put in the hours. I am not so keen on their jobs but not so much for snooty reasons but more because they are exposed to things, weather being one of these things, they have been half drowned and sunburned.
I do not like that they are taken for granted by their partners who laze around doing nothing. This does not affect me. It is for them I don't like this.
I have tried to give them help but then it is expected and later demanded of me. I would rather give as I chose than have anyone demanding anything from me.
I have to be careful of asking anyone to my house as there are restrictions re insurance and also I don't want certain things to happen in my house or in my presence (illegal)
There is a lot of nastiness involved.
Tistheseason17 - to answer your question, they were brought up by me on my own. Ex was not a good H. The children were very young at the time I went out on my own. I would have thought that them seeing that I managed on my own would have given them the insight that women are capable.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 15:44

Valiance - It is not just about where their houses are or what job they do. It is so much more. There are things going on that I really hope that you do not have in your life and would not be happy to have in your life

MsGameandWatching · 01/04/2018 15:48

Posting on a forum is maybe low brow to your mum to me it is somewhere I can maybe find an answer.

Indeed. I too am posting here am
I not?

The80sweregreat · 01/04/2018 15:50

It gets harder as they grow up i suppose - i do like my two but i can see their personalities arn't always the same as ours and they have a different outlook on life. They both need to mature a bit i guess, but some people never do.

lattewith3shotsplease · 01/04/2018 15:52

@peachgreen,
Great post and true in many cases, including mine and ADC

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 15:53

MsGame - with any luck we may both find a way of dealing with our respective situations.
People have assumed that I am certain things but I see it that I am worried for my children. I have to keep myself right and safe while trying to see through this.
Anyway I wish you luck

lou1221 · 01/04/2018 15:58

I have three children, at times all of them have been very trying. Youngest one has emotional issues and the atmosphere can get really difficult and strained. My eldest and dh don't get on, constantly at each others throats, I feel like piggy in the middle.

Obviously mine are still young(ish), but the poster who said about low income jobs, housing etc etc, that would not worry me. I want my children to be happy, if that means doing a different job or living in certain areas then so be it. I certainly wouldn't feel that I have failed or that they are a disappointment.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 01/04/2018 15:59

Mine were pretty challenging teenagers. But seem to have turned into lovely adults; fortunately take after DH more than me. I would say they very much share our values, though probably not our ideas about a successful life. That's their choice though, I have no problem with it.

My best mate seems to really dislike one of her daughters. The irony is that they are very similar people, they both like their own way a bit too much.

BarbarianMum · 01/04/2018 16:01

After 30+ years of abuse and blame from him, my mum has reached the end of the line w my brother. She feels a lot if guilt but dislikes him and would be happy if he wasn't in her life. To be fair, after 20 years of drug addiction, there is very little left that is my brother - just the shell of the person he was/coukd have been.

spacecadet48 · 01/04/2018 16:07

My eldest DS and I fall out all the time and disagree with many things. My word I can dislike him at times as he really pushes my buttons! He is only 22 and still at uni and unsure where his path will lead. However our DC need to make their own paths in life and whilst we as parents may not like or agree with it, we need to try and ensure our own judgements and at times bias don't impact on our relationship with them.

JeSaisPas · 01/04/2018 16:15

I hope I'm not breaking any rules by reminding everyone not to post anything you wouldn't want to be published by the Daily Fail. They love this kind of thread Confused

mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 16:15

MsReturn, try being less of a snob and you could have a family. Not that I'd want you if you were my mother with that attitude!

Abra1de · 01/04/2018 16:28

I don’t think MrsReturn is being anything other than honest. I don’t think you’d find any parent spending tens of thousands of pounds on school fees who wouldn’t hope their children would have rewarding careers and a ‘nice’ life with supportive partners. That’s not snobbery.

Abra1de · 01/04/2018 16:29

SOrry, pushes send too soon... It’s not snobbery it is hoping that your children will have a springboard into work they find stimulating.

MsGameandWatching · 01/04/2018 16:32

You too MsReturn.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 16:46

I am not being snobbish. I assume that none of the mums here would want anything other than the best for their children. None of us would want our children involved in things like drugs crimes violence etc. There has been some really horrible stuff going on and I dont think my way of upbringing kitted them well to be in those situations. I would not have known what to say other than they should not involve themselves in crime. I worry and get upset but I cant physically drag them away.
I dont know that they are happy in their lives. They seem very tense and erratic.

HarrietKettle · 01/04/2018 16:58

I have never been involved in crime

Nor drugs

No alcohol problems

Had an eating disorder and am on the autism spectrum, never noticed by my parents and diagnosed at 31.

Still have a steady relationship, a degree and a very well paying job. Lots of freinds from all walks of life, have lived abroad, never asked for anything.

Mum still doesn't like me, or love me, because I'm not her 'sort' of person. The only conclusion I can draw from that is that she's a cunt.

spacecadet48 · 01/04/2018 17:00

MsReturntolife all my 4 DC are going through private school with the eldest already left and in Uni. I would be disappointed too if they threw away opportunities given to them. I was from a poor background and I was fortunate to have done well in my life to give my DC a different experience. I don't know yet what my DC will do but all I can ask is they do their best and are happy in their choices

DairyisClosed · 01/04/2018 17:04

We gave a bad egg in my family. His mother still loves him despite everything but openly admits to loving her other son more when the disappointment isn't around. She really has done right by him, more than one would expect from a reasonable person. He is just a terrible person (raised by his father so really not her fault although she does blame him for letting him go to his father).

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 17:05

Spacecadet - if I thought they were even happy it would be something but I do not think they are.
I can only say that I tried to give them what I could what they do with it is what they have to live with.

Original poster
juicee2 · 01/04/2018 17:06

Tbh I wasn’t thinking of drugs and the like.

Yes, that’s awful, but it does provide a reason as to why behaviour might not be great.

I was thinking more about opposite principles and values.

OP posts:
HarrietKettle · 01/04/2018 17:08

I thought meeting people with opposite principles and values was part of life.

PuntCuffin · 01/04/2018 17:10

MIL openly admits to disliking her other son (likes my DH) since he reached adulthood. He is a full on sociopath. Has threatened to try to bankrupt DH and get me to divorce him, made his own father homeless, wanted MIL to put her husband in a care home so she could look after his kids. He gets sacked from jobs with alarming regularity, usually for the way he behaves towards colleagues. He made DH's teen years hell with violence and thieving. I could go on.

She always says she loves him as her son but utterly dislikes him as a person.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 17:16

It is the opposite of me. I would never take drugs. I am not violent. I do not commit crimes. The children do not have these views.

jeanne16 · 01/04/2018 17:16

I love both my two DCs with all my heart but my eldest DD regularly breaks my heart. On the face of it she is perfect (good degree, fantastic well paid job) and everyone she meets thinks she is wonderful. However she really seems to dislike me. Everything I do or say obviously irritates her and she treats me with contempt. I don’t know why or what I have done but I walk on egg shells around her. Sometimes I really dislike her and it breaks my heart to admit this.

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