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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not liking your child

189 replies

juicee2 · 01/04/2018 14:24

I imagine that many go through a stage of disliking their child when young, but I really mean when they are grown and when you realise their values are so opposite to yours and they just aren’t a pleasant person.

What can you do if this happens? Does the fact they are your child override everything else or not?

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 20:53

@Pumpkinbell we moved on a bit from those two posts.

Pumpkinbell · 02/04/2018 20:55

Sorry rebelrouge not followd right to the end been a long day. Is it worth me reading the rest of it??

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 20:57

I'd say yes....though it's sad and frustrating. Left me with a weird taste of longing too.
But it shows both sides in what can be a fucked up relationship.

Apologies for the snarky tone.

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2018 21:02

@Vathek - rock and a hard place springs to mind.
I really feel for you. I still think she'd come back, but you'd have to stand firm. You don't have a healthy relationship now x

Joanna57 · 02/04/2018 21:15

I have two adult children.

My daughter is fairly close to me.

My son I gave up on nearly 4 years ago.

I am ashamed of him, in so many ways.

Sad, but he is a despicable man.

NameChangeBiatch · 02/04/2018 21:17

My own dm couldn't be arsed with me. But luckily I have unconditional love for my two. I can't consider anything that would make me dislike them. I might dislike some of their choices or behaviours but never them.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 02/04/2018 21:19

I think mother daughter relationships are hard. I'm not close with my mum, she wasn't close with her mum, and I'm not close with my 19 year old dd (although she is very close with my mum). Obviously there are years of hurts, and faults on all sides, and I've had a lot of counselling unpicking it all. But I don't like how she hurts and ignores her brothers to get at me. I'm proud though of her for getting into university. It's hard. And I don't think I'm just a terrible person or an awful mum, because I have two ds's who are lovely and I have an amazing relationship with.

Helpmeplan · 02/04/2018 21:25

I love my son but don't love his choices. Many of them felt.like a huge slap in the face. Life isn't perfect, and there are many times I feel torn to help him but I have to let him help himself now.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 02/04/2018 21:29

My parents don't like me because we have very opposite views on a lot of things. I haven't done anything most people would consider terrible, actually I think I am a fairly good person, I tried to keep my opinions to myself round them but there are certain choices I have made in my life that they can't get over and certain of their views I can't not challenge (my parents are racist, sexist, homophobic and generally pretty fucking nasty to be honest, name a group and they've probably been on some hateful ill-educated rant about them).

That's fine, they will never approve of my life and sometimes I do miss them, and I do get very jealous of my friends families but what hurt most was the years of drama and judgement, the constant ups and downs and jumping through hoops. If you don't like your children's views you need to decide if you love them enough to agree to disagree or if its a deal breaker and then stick to your decision.

NameChangeBiatch · 02/04/2018 21:35

I get quite upset when I see mothers and daughters around my age who are obviously very close out in public. Even now at 41. Because I never had it and never will. But my relationship with dd is great. I was worried for so long that I'd copy my mother and that didn't happen thankfully.

cheval · 02/04/2018 21:52

When one of mine was being spectacularly stupid, so much trouble, was utterly exhausting, I do remember saying to him, you are my boy, it doesn’t matter how stupid you are, I will be there for you. He looked slightly startled. Sure that wasn’t what turned him around, but he is now golden balls. And nice to his mum!

Lovebeingmama · 02/04/2018 21:53

It would be awful to end up disliking my child when he grows up. I would hope that I would instil good values to make him behave decently in later life. If he’s immoral, aggressive, entitled etc. Id wonder what I did wrong.
However, in terms of his broader life choices and decisions, that is his prerogative. My role as a mum is to support and guide him, it’s his life ultimately and he should have the freedom to make his own decisions without judgment and with my unconditional love.

Oddcat · 02/04/2018 22:06

I would hope that I would instil good values to make him behave decently in later life.

I have done this with my daughter , the pleases and thankyous when she was little , being kind to people , she was a Girl Scout , I gave her a good work ethic and she got herself a Saturday job , she has seen me help others , give to charity etc. I'm not saying I've been perfect but I certainly haven't criticised her or run her down , I've always said she looks beautiful and told her how smart and proud I am of her .

I don't know why she's making the choices she is and I don't mean choices about living in an area I don't approve of , but the type of people she hangs around with , the horrible language she uses and her choice to smoke cannabis and most of all the awful way in which she speaks to me.

NameChangeBiatch · 02/04/2018 22:09

@cheval that's lovely.

cheval · 02/04/2018 22:27

@namechangebiatch if I’ve got that right! Thank you!

babyno5 · 02/04/2018 22:53

I can’t bear to be anywhere near eldest son but that’s because he’s been violent towards me. I’m not in the slightest bit judgemental about his life choices but he blames me for every single thing that’s gone wrong no in his life (he’s now 26) and his younger siblings are also scared of him.
I’m beyond being upset about it anymore although he now has a son himself whom I’ve never met

HazelBite · 02/04/2018 22:57

Oddcat I think the Cannabis is responsible for a lot more than we realise, I have a son who regularly indulges he has an identical twin brother who does not show the type of unreasonable verbal aggression that he displays (same genetic make up, same upbringing etc).

Sometimes unconditional love is very hard to maintain, whether that be for a parent or for offspring.
Dh's late mother had plans for all her children that were okay until they all became young adults and started to make their own choices which she was unable to understand because as far as she was concerned she knew best. She expected her oldest son (DH) to become a priest!
She became very resentful and distant to some of her children, Dh and one of his brothers said they felt very little when she died, which is very sad considering she dedicated her life to raising her children.

Rita2u · 02/04/2018 23:31

@HarrietKettle I think you may be correct! Keep on being you!

ilovesouthlondon · 02/04/2018 23:33

HarrietKettle Your mother is jealous of you. MsReturntolife is just being honest. I would be far from impressed if I spent all that time as a single parent and money on my children, only for them to have a worse life than mine. You exspect your children to do better than you, which is why you make sacrifices for them. Her children do not sound like they are happy with their life.

MsReturntoLife · 03/04/2018 00:44

Ilovesouthlondon - I am being honest here. I often think if I came on here and said my DH shouts and swears at me, has hit me, runs me down in public, always takes my money, expects me to mind the DCs all the time even if I am supposed to be at work or appointment. Every MN lady would be saying LTB. I would say LTB too in those circumstances. The problem is when it is your own DCs who are being that way it is so hard to know what to do. I would not take this from a H, not one inch would I take it. Even that is turned on me, and I am told that I want the world to be full of single parents!
I cant win.

Vathek · 03/04/2018 04:36

Rebel and Season, thank you for your advice. You are right, it's not much of a relationship now, and if I just give in to her demands the unhealthy dynamic will be perpetuated. So I will keep the contact going, such as it is, and keep saying that I Loe her and am there for her if needed. However, the Bank of Mum and Dad will be closed until further notice (apart from birthday and Christmas presents).

It is so hard though. You dedicate your love and your life - or a large chunk of it - to someone, and they take it for granted, don't seem to have any appreciation or respect.

I want her to live her life and be happy and fulfilled, to make her own life choices. I honestly don't mind what job she does, but I wish she would at least try to get a job.

I could never dislike her or not love her but I do feel massively hurt.

Tistheseason17 · 03/04/2018 07:05

@Vathek
Don't ever doubt yourself. Wish my mum was even half as nice as you sound.
There may be a period of silence when the Bank closes but she will come back to you x

Vathek · 03/04/2018 07:19

Thanks season, for your reassurance. I hope you are right x

NameChangeBiatch · 03/04/2018 07:21

AlexKate you sound like an amazing mother please don't beat yourself up. I had PND after my first but it didn't have lasting effects. Because it passes. Your heart is in the right place. I was terrified of messing my kids up after my upbringing but it didn't happen, in fact I learnt from it.

CheeseyToast · 03/04/2018 07:46

Well my kids are frightful and I'm wondering if there's a donation bin where I can deposit them.