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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not liking your child

189 replies

juicee2 · 01/04/2018 14:24

I imagine that many go through a stage of disliking their child when young, but I really mean when they are grown and when you realise their values are so opposite to yours and they just aren’t a pleasant person.

What can you do if this happens? Does the fact they are your child override everything else or not?

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 01/04/2018 17:39

Msreturntolife I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time on here, it can’t have been easy to have sent your dcs to private school whilst on your own, I read your post as liking your children but fearing for them due to their choices. It sounds like that neither have the comfortable life you wanted for them and I don’t think any mum would want their children to grow up have dramas or tense lives. Also if there has been criminal issues no would want that!

My DM hates me & has cut me off, she lost interest in me as soon as she couldn’t control me or dress me up. I was just an accessory to her. She first stopped talking to me when I was 16, my crime? I wanted to do A Levels, she then cut me off when I wanted to go to university. She didn’t speak to me for 3 years. Started talking to me when I graduated, pretty much dictated my wedding, then cut me off again 4 years later as I was focused on my career not having a family. I was desperate for her to want me i then realised she was toxic to my life, I had a choice & I don’t actually need her. So I’ve refused to reach out like I would have done. My family have even told me they could see it happening when I was a child as she was obsessed with babies but not me once I grown. I don’t wish any harm on my dm but I don’t like her, she was & is cruel.

I think if you get to a point of desperation with a person regardless if you gave birth to them or they gave birth to you it doesn’t give them the right to control your life. You can choose if they have that power over you, you can choose to walk away. If you’ve done everything you can to make it work then you shouldn’t feel guilt. If it was a married couple and one was being abusive they’d be told to get out, it’s the same if it’s family member.

CertainlyChoco · 01/04/2018 17:49

@MsReturntoLife you dont have to explain yourself. People who mocked you should be ashamed of themselves but I'm afraid they won't. They judged you from a snippet that you wrote without knowing you. They probably channel their fucked up relationship with their own mom.

I get what you are saying, and it is sad and entirely possible to do everything for your child and they grow up into people with opposite values. Environment and people they are with have much to do with it and unfortunately we can't pick their friends and partners.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 18:00

No matter how hard a time I would get on here it could never be as bad as I get from my children. I thought the people they mix with were influencing them but in honesty they are as much bad company as the people they mix with. There are quite a few children in this mix too and my heart breaks for them.

Kangar00 · 01/04/2018 18:20

Msreturn- I wish posters weren't being so unkind to you. You are simply stating your opinion. There are often threads about grown up children disagreeing or disliking their parents. I can understand entirely why you are disappointed in your children's life choices, especially when you worked so hard. I am also sacrificing a lot to ensure my child has a good education and would be devestated if it was all a waste.

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 18:34

If my kid ended up being selfish,mean, ignorant and bigoted (racist,disablist etc) then no I wouldn't like them much. I'd still love them but I don't see us having a close relationship or offering them a platform for those kind of views/opinions.

I also don't like my mum much, I love her,we have a relationship but we are too different and some of the shit she did to me when growing up makes her unlikable,that's without the snobby,stuck up,sexist and whatever else views she holds.

wakemeupbefore · 01/04/2018 18:39

OP, not RTT, however, your original post - blame yourself as you brought your child up to be who they are. So very often underestimated or ignored, that, the parenting. Hmm

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 18:40

But then again she told me the other day that she's "amazed DD turned out to be such a good kid given how crazy I am" so I don't think she likes me much either. I definitely know she didn't like teen me and strongly disapproves of my life choices. Meh.

lalalalyra · 01/04/2018 18:47

blame yourself as you brought your child up to be who they are

Not always the case. A lot of factors play a part in children developing into the adults they become - parents, siblings, schooling, friends, area they grow up in, partners... It's lazy to blame the parent soley.

My Nana and Grandad brought up 5 of their own children. They then brought up 4 of us. Of all those kids my father and my eldest brother (although he was in his teens when they took us in so they only part brought him up) are the only ones that have ever raised a hand to their partner or child. The rest are all decent, normal, relatively boring (in terms of no dramatics in their lives). My father was neither the youngest nor the eldest. They did nothing different with him than they did to the others.

NewYearNewMe18 · 01/04/2018 18:48

@PuntCuffin - We all know a person like that and it's not a reflection on the parents, who always appear to have brought up other perfectly normal children. Sociopaths/psychopaths aren't created they are born.

People are different, if they were all the same we wouldn't ever have these discussions, we'd be clones. It doesn't matter what you do for some people they are takers, not givers. Some of those people cover it with charm. Some are plain nasty. Some of them we're related to.

Abra1de · 01/04/2018 18:59

I know a family of brothers where one is a executive in the RSPCA and adores animals. His older brother used to enjoy putting frogs on the road to be run over.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 19:04

My children were not always the way they are today. Friends parents tell me that they are shocked at the way my children are now. Even former classmates talk about them badly which is heartbreaking. I look back to check on their achievements and that they were real.

Ex was not a very nice person a bit nasty but not a criminal. I thought I had got the children away early enough that they would not learn from him. He did not pay maintenance or bother with the children.
I remember one of them who talked against a certain type but this was her first major partner choice.
I can only hope that one day they see through the apparent attraction to the bad boys and change their lives.
They are adults with children they should make good choices for the younger children if not for themselves.

pointythings · 01/04/2018 19:06

I have a friend who is left-wing, anti-Brexit, works for the NHS and believes in it. She grew up a single mum, worked her way up to get into Uni, got qualified and climbed the career ladder. Her principles and beliefs didn't change.

Her son is a card-carrying Brexiteer Tory who really believes if you're poor, it's your own fault.

Thing is, they have both been shaped by their surroundings and life experiences, and not least by their own choices. My friend and her DS are still very close and living.

So not having shared principles and beliefs doesn't have to be the end. You can agree to disagree. It has to be hard, though.

PuntCuffin · 01/04/2018 19:08

wakemeupbefore don't be so ignorant. Many, many factors go into making a person who they are, genetics, opportunities, choices, things that are done to them, not just parenting. Otherwise, DH would be as much of a sociopath as his brother.

My MIL has blamed herself many times over the years for the way her older son is. BIL is a deeply, deeply unpleasant individual. It is heartbreaking for her to find her own child so loathsome. The contrast to DH who puts everyone ahead of himself is astounding.

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 19:23

@MsReturntoLife are you involved in their lives? In their kids lives?

Mumminmum · 01/04/2018 19:25

My mum and I are very close and talk a lot. She once said it was funny that we were so close, because if she had been to school with me, she didn't think we would have been friends. I pointed out that my three best friends were all a lot like her. She thought about it for a while and then agreed. So I guess if we had been to school together we probably would have been friends. My kids and my husband say I am a lot like her and that is one of the best compliments I have ever received, for she is the best natured person I ever met. She is so nice. But yes, I am a lot more intellectual than she is. She is very good with languages and the humanities and my dad is very strong when it comes to math, statistics and science and is also very fond of history and I have been lucky to inherit the strenghts from both of them.

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 19:29

I have been in and out of their lives. Sometimes I refuse money so I am out. If I am wanted for babysitting I am in. If I cant babsit I am out. If I speak up for myself I am out. This is bad enough for me and makes me sad. The young children seem to like me and say they miss me. I try to stay in contact for the little ones but I can be pushed out at a moments notice. Sometimes I like being free of the high tension. It is wrong

Ellendegeneres · 01/04/2018 19:34

I’m very different from my Mum. I often don’t like her and her me. She is disappointed that I am a lone parent of two by two fathers, she is disappointed that I am not following her every word and opinion and have opinions and thoughts that oppose hers.

Tbh I think in general I’m a huge failure in her eyes. I have diagnosed mh problems, I’m disabled and unable to work- but entitled to help which she hates because I don’t have to work yet get ‘everything handed to (me)’

She tells me I am a spendthrift, that my life would be ultimately amazing if I just listened to her and followed her every word. Unfortunately for her, my Drs, my friends and I all disagree with her- which I then get told she doesn’t understand why I listen to everyone but her 🤷‍♀️

When my dc are grown up, my biggest hope is that they like me. Aside from the obvious stuff, happiness etc. I want it to be a mutually respectful and loving relationship where they feel cherished and like I am proud of who they are. All the things I don’t have with my own Mum.

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 19:35

@MsReturntoLife Thanks It sounds like an awful and unfair situation.
I get why you're disappointed and hurt...
Just a thought...is there anything you do like about them? Anything that you praise them for, say you're proud of them for? Are they aware of your disappointment and dislike?

QueenyLiz · 01/04/2018 19:39

I find my eldest son rather irritating. He is an awful snob, has never really had a proper job, left his wife for some terrible horsey woman and generally is just a bit of a whiner. I think he is just waiting for me to kick the bucket so he can move into my house

MsReturntoLife · 01/04/2018 19:43

Rebel I feel like a bank machine and service provider rolled into one. I think I am a person with all the same feelings as others.
I have been proud of things they each have done. I am proud of how hard they work and things surrounding their work.
I love the both to bits and although different in their looks they are both pretty girls.
I try to make contact they ignore me until it suits them to speak to me.
It is not for me I want them to have better lives. I want them both and all the children to have better lives.

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 19:47

@MsReturntoLife fair enough. I do hope things improve for everyone involved.

wakemeupbefore · 01/04/2018 19:47

CuntPuffin, stupid is the one who can't find excuse....

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 19:52

@wakemeupbefore if children from neglectful,abusive or simply being raised by awful role models can end up being decent human beings,it stands to reason the opposite is also true.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 01/04/2018 19:59

Hmm...I'm not sure. I love all my DC equally, but am sad that the eldest one has not inherited our work ethic, despite attempting to drum this into all of them. Eldest DC flits from job to job and is full of excuses for why each one falls through. Currently worried about how bloody lazy youngest DC is, and hoping it is a teenage phase he will grow out of and not that he is going to be a useless bloody husband for someone!

I am honest enough to admit that (generally) the things that irritate me individually about each of them are character flaws they have inherited from me. Generally and overall I like them all, even if we differ in opinion and taste on some issues.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 01/04/2018 20:01

My DPs don't like me because I'm not an extension of them. Which is odd as I carry the values my DM (main parent, df was iften away and was always how he is) went to great lengths to instill in me when I was younger, I teach my DC the same lessons. It just turns out my DM didn't believe a word of it. Apparently this is somehow my fault. Confused.

I've long stopped caring whether they like me or not. I don't much like them either and I've got more important things to deal with than vying for approval from people who are never going to give it.