About not liking your child

[juicee2]

I imagine that many go through a stage of disliking their child when young, but I really mean when they are grown and when you realise their values are so opposite to yours and they just aren’t a pleasant person.

What can you do if this happens? Does the fact they are your child override everything else or not?

Skinnydecaff

Your daughter is a mess.

However at the moment it’s all low level... losing her keys and phone, lying about going to they gym etc.

She has no friends you say and trouble with relationships.

What I trying to say is that she really does need a mum. Despite how unpleasant she is being. She’s 18/19 and at a fork. At the moment very low level, if you don’t remain a sold rock in her life I reckon she could well take a much more disturbing path in life.

Highhorse, I know it could be so much worse. I am also aware of what a potentially huge f**k up this could all end up being. I don’t want to lose my daughter, but at the moment having her living here 24/7 feels just as bad.

Part of the problem is we are actually both a mess as my anxiety is off the scale when she is here. I have tried so hard over the years to be the best mum I can, but it’s hard when your whole domestic set up is disrupted on a regular basis. DH and I rarely argue except about her. DD2 hates the arguments and is often on the receiving end of nastiness. She has begged me for a lock for her bedroom door because her sister ‘borrows’ her stuff and then loses or ruins it.

I know I’m coming across probably either as a bitch or as a completely spineless wreck. At the moment I feel I waver between the 2 and with no idea of how things might improve.

I don't think anyone has mentioned peer pressure or peer to peer relationships so far, and yet they affect children's lives so much. Many of the people with cannabis smoking wondering where it all went so wtong it is their friends that encourage/validate/normalise cannabis use.

Cannabis smoking children sorry!

Yep, in my daughters case it was her boyfriend, a lovely kind charming boy who was also a complete pot head with no drive or ambition or sense of purpose. She has ended their relationship but they are still friends. I worry about them getting back together.

Weed these days does seem to do some heavy duty damage.

@Skinnydecaff... if your daughter is doing the things you are describing have you ever considered that she may be depressed? She is obviously secretly binge eating, which is something I would also consider with regards to mental health issues. I think maybe you need to approach the subject with caution and get some advice on what to do. I say this as an ex self destructive, binge eating, debt ridden, depressed young woman! It’s an horrendous place to be, try and be empathetic, but encourage her to be proactive with the help she can receive. It is there, but you as her mother have the role of advocate, more so in times of need. It is hard succeeding at being a young adult. You say you haven’t ever “got her”, maybe this was/is obvious to her?

Rita, did your situation with your parents resolve eventually and how long did it take?

I agree with a PP that you have to see your child as separate from you and they need to learn from their own mistakes (although they need to know that you are always there for them). This is a difficult process for many of us, but it is also difficult for children to see their parents as individuals sometimes I think - individuals who can make mistakes - as long as we do our best for our children and love them unconditionally I like to think that it will all be alright in the end.

And if it's not alright, it's not the end!

individuals who can make mistakes

Sometimes the opposite is actively promoted in the household "I am always right", "I know best". Which they aren't and they don't ofc because no one is perfect. And when parents to fuck up the important thing is the ability to put their hands up and admit it. It's easier for children to accept and understand that, and in time trust their own judgement rather than trying to comprehend how can someone get it so wrong and not "see" it. It affects trust and turns into the opposite of "they know nothing,they don't understand " and everything ends up being ignored,even the good advice.

Rebel, I agree. The relationship between parent and child needs to evolve and there needs to be mutual respect and understanding.

Mutual respect is essential. Yes, we have a very good relationship. I moved out at 17 and my relationship with my mum improved immediately. I moved back in for a short period at 21, that was fine. I wasn’t as responsible as some of you expect your children to be until I had children myself. I held down a full time job and had my own place, but I wasn’t a “proper” grown up!

@Rita2u I'm 32 and still not a "proper" grown up

To all of you on MN, trying to make women speaking about awful and sad parts of their lives, feel ashamed, JUST KEEP ON PRETENDING YOUR LITTLE DARLINGS AND DEAR HUSBANDS ARE PERFECT, because of your crap other women feel affraid even saying it... l love the lies where all of your families are perfect on te surface (and you are rotting inside, ashamed to admit all is not what you expected) And to you speaking the truth, go girls speaking out the painful truth, you’ll find kinderd spirits, it’s not perfect but that’s life for you!