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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not liking your child

189 replies

juicee2 · 01/04/2018 14:24

I imagine that many go through a stage of disliking their child when young, but I really mean when they are grown and when you realise their values are so opposite to yours and they just aren’t a pleasant person.

What can you do if this happens? Does the fact they are your child override everything else or not?

OP posts:
Oddcat · 02/04/2018 13:35

jeanne16 I'm in the same boat , DD has always been very difficult/challenging too . I'm exhausted by it all tbh. I never know what to say to her for fear of another explosion, she gets so angry , she's had counselling but hasn't made any difference.

Vathek · 02/04/2018 14:25

Jeanne. I sympathise. I am also having problems with my eldest DD at present, who is a similar age to yours, although I believe a lot of the problems are caused by her controlling BF. My other DC say that this is not the case and that DD1 is responsible for her behaviour, and that I am deluding myself. I suspect they may be right, but I love DD1 passionately as I do all my DC. It's unconditional love, of course.

However, I feel that I am also allowing my relationship with her and its ups and downs to influence my life unduly, which is not fair on DH or my other DC. I was quite depressed and have been in counselling which is helping.

I think it is right that our DC need to separate from us and find their own identity, and that we should not judge. It is for them to make their own way in life. In my DD's case, she and BF - both highly educated and DD with a professional cookery qualification - have not worked since leaving uni three years ago. It is a lifestyle choice as they feel that they are different from other people and don't want to be tied by jobs or mortgages. They have been claiming benefits and have made it clear that I will not see DD unless I comply with their demands for money.

I wonder what I have done wrong as a parent, but my other DC could not be more different, hard-working, motivated and, above all, they are kind, they love me, they genuinely care about me.

I have always thought of myself as a tough person, stand up for myself etc, but this has floored me. My instinct is to fight but I don't want to make a bad situation worse and I hope that she will mature and change, and of course I love her. Only those whom we love can truly hurt us.

jeanne16 · 02/04/2018 15:12

Oddcat and Vathek. Seems we are in the same boat. I am so upset about our situation. My DD is lovely to everyone, including my DH, but treats me with absolute contempt. I have spent years justifying this on the basis that she knows she gets unconditional love from me so she doesn’t have to try . However it has got to the point where she is so unbearable that I don’t want to be around her. It breaks my heart to actually write this. Sometimes I feel if I had done less for her, she wouldn’t take me for granted.

JOEM1978 · 02/04/2018 17:57

I'm going through this with my daughter at the moment, I love her so much but do not like the person she is, she lies about everything and I mean everything, she is lazy and has stolen from me and her grandma, my mum, and my mum has always been the best grandma, we have tried to get her help for example councilling but she's just not interested, I think it possible to not like your child and it's not necessarily something that the parent has Done, although I think a parent might always blame themselves

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2018 18:02

It is a lifestyle choice as they feel that they are different from other people and don't want to be tied by jobs or mortgages. They have been claiming benefits and have made it clear that I will not see DD unless I comply with their demands for money

@Vathek - please don't pay to see your GC. This is not a lifestyle choice other than for you to fund their self entitlement.

I would literally die to have a mum that cared about me in the same ways you and other PPs care about their self indulgent, selfish children. You need to cut them loose to stand on their own two feet or you will always be the Bank of Mum and Dad and they will never grow up and take responsibility.

RachelTeeth · 02/04/2018 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Schlimbesserung · 02/04/2018 18:17

I can't imagine not liking my own child. I have teenagers so obviously I occasionally find them difficult, but that's something else entirely.
I think I would also have to accept that if they grew up to be selfish and spoilt that I would have to take some responsibility for that.
My parents love to remind me of the money they spent on my education, only for me to be an utter failure (they are also keen on telling me that they love me but don't like me at all). I was a problem at which they threw money. I feel no gratitude because none is due. It isn't uncommon for children to be given every material advantage and still not have the kind of upbringing which they really need.

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 18:33

I ask this without judgement...where does that anger(seems to be common) come from? Where or what does it stem from? Has it always been there?

Teacher22 · 02/04/2018 19:03

My DS was a git for years and his DF and I used to be up talking for hours into the night worrying about whether he would end up in prison.

He turned out fine. We rescued him constantly and he finally grew up. He still has problems but he is lovely.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 02/04/2018 19:05

You're meant to love your kids but there's no law says you have to like them.

Oddcat · 02/04/2018 19:06

I think my DD's anger stems from her father (my ex) who constantly let her down , she then had trouble at school ( was very bossy with other kids who then didn't want to play with her ) . I have paid for counselling for her but doesn't seem to have helped. She smokes cannabis , has done from age about 15 ,which I hate and personally don't think helps. She's been violent towards me physically and verbally.

TERFousBreakdown · 02/04/2018 19:14

My mum loves me unconditionally - but I'm really not sure whether she likes me. She's rather dismissive of everything I find important. I don't understand why, in all honesty - I'm everything I've been brought up to be: independent, professionally successful, generous and kind to those around me.

My father neither loves nor particularly likes any of us kids.

I realise that there's no obligation on their part to like me, but I'd be lying if I were to say that I didn't desperately crave their approval.

Treacletoots · 02/04/2018 19:38

Soo interesting to read both sides on here. As a child of a toxic parent who told me regularly she didn't like me, refused to support my choices and threw me out aged 15 because I wouldn't agree with her opinion, I could be biased.

But. In the question of nature v nurture I've always strongly believed that we are a product of our environment. I have my own DD and hope to bring her up to know we support and love her forever and will never say anything so horrid as 'we love you but we don't actually like you' how vile is that?

A parents job is to do the best job they can by their children and a child needs to know above anything that their parents love them and always will, and they won't ever behave in the toxic manipulative way mine did to me.

MsReturntoLife · 02/04/2018 19:48

I am the same as some of the other PP. I feel that I only get to see my DGC if I pay and comply with demands for other things. That is not what DGC should be about.
I thought my DD was under the control of her then OH but then she left him and took up with another OH and the same things happened pay or babysit or do this or that or you don't get to see DGC. Other DD said the first DD was making this choice. The other is now doing the same as the first. I am too tired to comply. I am physically, mental and emotionally done for after years of this.
I remember my DGMs and DGF. I loved being with them and having them visit. My DPs went as fast as they could if they needed help and all the DGPs came to help us when there was a bad thing happened. Such was a good family life, what I have is just hell.

Oddcat · 02/04/2018 19:52

Treacletoots that's made me feel even shitter than I already do.

I have supported my daughter , I fought her corner at the school , I've supported her when she didn't want to go to college, I've always told her I love her.

Downtroddenandrough · 02/04/2018 19:56

Msreturn. I feel u have had a hard time over your comment. I see nothing wrong with your comment. My kids are in private school and we are giving up an awful lot to put them there. If they don’t make the most of it and appreciate it and do well from it - I too would be pissed off.

And I would also want them to live in a decent down and not a dump. A ferry reasonable aspiration for your kids. You love them and wanted the best. Ignore the haters.

MsReturntoLife · 02/04/2018 19:57

Thanks Down

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 20:04

@Oddcat don't take it personally. It's hard being on both sides.
And in my case at least some of the things you and others say is what my mum would say that she sacrificed herself for my education,paid for this and that,offered me opportunities,supported me etc.That I've put her through hell with my rebelious ways and erratic/reckless/ defiant behaviour.If I went NC she'd definitely say I'm mad and ungrateful and she doesn't understand why and what not.
What she forgets is the emotional abuse,the physical abuse,that she ignored me being sexually abused,that i was depressed and aelf harming,that the brilliant education I had ...was never my choice ,I didn't have a choice as to what highschool i went to ,or what uni i went to. That all the money she spent was thrown in my face and how miserable she was and how she couldn't have x,y,x because of me.

However I believe that you might have awful kids for no reason just I had an awful mum for no reason.(well two since the first one didn't even want me).

Oddcat · 02/04/2018 20:28

I think I've gone too far the other way with my DD to compensate for her father. Maybe I've been too soft .

Alexkate2468 · 02/04/2018 20:32

This thread makes me sad. I liove my two children more then life itself and would give anything for them to be happy. I just hope with all my heart I don't mess them up. I have had MH problems in the past and haven't always been able to parent in the way I would like - I've been snappy and said things I shouldn't. I've had days where I've not been able to get out of bed, days where I have but haven't had the energy to play ( they have never been neglected though, there has always been either their dad or a grandparent around on tough days). Things are good now but I often worry so much whether I've done damage that can't be fixed. I tell them both every single day that I love them. I apologise when I'm wrong and promise to try harder. I honestly hope we all like each other when they are grown up. My DD is so different to me that I struggle to connect with her sometimes ( I was always very girly loved dolls and tea parties and craft and reading; she loves sport and animals and mud and climbing) but I look at her in amazement and honestly wish I was more like her. My boy is a hot head... But then he's only 1... Aren't they all at that age. I have a feeling he could be hard work of this personality trait isn't just developmental but again, I love the bones of him.
It would break my heart to think that they could be posting on here saying how I ruined their lives. It terrifies me that relationships can go so wrong and it makes me want to work so desperately hard so that it never happens. All I want is for them to be good people who are happy (couldn't care less about job/status/marriage etc).

Vathek · 02/04/2018 20:33

Theseason, I know you are right, that it needs to be 'tough love', but it is so hard, and I am so afraid of losing her.

Devilishpyjamas · 02/04/2018 20:40

She smokes cannabis , has done from age about 15 ,which I hate and personally don't think helps

This seems to be common in many of the difficult parent-child relationships I know in RL. I think the modern stuff is pretty hardcore compared to the stuff that was around when I was a teen.

Of all the things my kids do I really hope they don’t get into drugs. Not because I disapprove from a moral stance, just because they really do seem to destroy lives

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 20:40

@Vathek haven't you lost her already if all contact is conditional and on her terms only?
In cases like this once the parent steps back there can be two outcomes 1. Complete breakdown. Of the relationship or 2. The child grows up ,learns to stand on their own two feet and the dynamics change, resulting in a better relationship with the parent. One would always hope for the second,but there are no guarantees.

OnTheRise · 02/04/2018 20:45

My children are mostly adults now, all of them, and they are all absolutely lovely. I am so lucky to have them. They work hard, are kind and funny and clever, and are just brilliant to have around. I don't quite know how it happened, but I'm so very proud of them. We have a lovely time when we get together.

My parents, however, are vile. They've told me numerous times that they love me but don't like me; they are hyper-critical of me no matter what I do, they blame me for everything (including their own tax frauds when they ran their own business), and they do all they can to control me. I cut contact with them a few years ago and my life is much better without them in it.

I have my own version of the Larkin poem:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad
They might not mean to YES THEY DO!

Pumpkinbell · 02/04/2018 20:47

Get you OP and MsReturntolife how good everyone would seem to you if they all lived in your idillic world!! OMG!! Its their life let them live it so things havent worked out how you thought they would for your kids. But have you ever stopped to ask them.??? Maybe they are very happy with their lives!!!!