AIBU to have told DH that i love the children slightly more than him ?

[Curtains77]

Lightheartedly of course in context however he is a bit taken aback and I can tell he is stewing a bit . I did not mean I don't love him - just differently and perhaps less powerfully to how i love my children. Is this normal ? Am i being out of line here in the way I feel or does everyone feel some degree of this but no-one actually says it ...i am feeling rather guilty now !

Not surprised you feel guilty. It will take him a long time to recover from that one. How would you feel?

I'd be incredibly hurt

I don't have children so no idea about children specifically. However, me and DH regularly tell each other we love the dog far more than we love each other. All light-hearted and context-specific but also definitely true

Don't think there is anything wrong with this at all, I know my husband loves thekids more than me and vice versa. We've got a great relationship and it doesn't bother me at all. I love my children unconditionally

That’s in the category of ‘things best never mentioned’.

Say you have two close friends. You love one a little bit more than the other. Would you ever tell that less-loved one: ‘I value you so much! But not as much as Brenda, of course!’

Even if it’s true and you’ve done nothing wrong in feeling how you feel, no one needs to hear that.

Time to do some repairing.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel this way-I can say without hesitate I love my children differently than anyone else, above everyone else. And my husband feels the same and to be honest id be surprised if he loved me ‘more’ than the kids-I think kids have to come above everybody. But you maybe didn’t have to express it to him in the way that you did.

Of course - as i said I did say it in the context of a light hearted way - honestly it was almost joking - but his reaction immediately made me realise i had clearly hurt his feelings and now I suppose I am wondering what on earth possessed me to say that . I was trying to sort of banter and it has actually backfired.

Depends how it came up. If you were on a romantic date/having sex/eating dinner and you just suddenly said "hey guess what I love the kids more than I love you", I can kind of understand him being hurt at the context.

But DH is well aware that I love DD in a stronger way than I love him, and I'm aware that he feels the same. We've said during those weird philosophical discussions you have in the early hours when you can't sleep, that if it came down to choosing between me and DD/him and DD, we'd both choose DD every time. That's not offensive.

I think that you should love your children more than your Partner. You should put them first etc.

But you should never vocalise it.

How does this even come up even in ‘light hearted’ conversation? Why say something like that?

Yes most parents don’t love anyone as much as the dc and If 2 cars were on a cliff one with the dc, one with the dh/dw of course you’d save your dc because of your parental instincts but nobody says to anyone I love you but not as much as the dc as that’s just weird.

It’s a bit like telling your partner that a supermodel is better looking than them, isn’t it?

I mean, we all know it’s true, but what’s the point of rubbing their nose in it?

Why the need to say that? Bit nasty imo.

I don't love my children more than I love my DH - I love them completely differently, it's impossible to compare the two, and I know my DH feels the same way. I love my DH conditionally - if he hurt me or cheated on me my love for him would be severely damaged and possibly destroyed. Nothing could destroy my love for my children, it is totally unconditional and it is based on a genetic bond, a biological connection, the fact that they lived in my body and feel like a part of me. It has nothing to do with their personalities - I loved them before I met them, just because they were my children. DH gets that and would never be upset to hear me express it.

I would kind of expect all parent to feel like this. If me and the kids were drowning in a canal and dh pulled me out first, I'd push him in!

I'm with you on this one OP.
I once told DP something similar, he looked at me a bit , but I he got what I was trying to say, albeit in a clumsy way

All good points - thank you so much. Obviously I am BU - and should try and make amends . What a dick - lesson learned ! Thanks all xx

I think it’s normal to feel like this. I want my dh to love the dc more than me, so he would always prioritise them over me in an accident or whatever.

X post, that isn't banter, its belittling. Do you often put him down under the guise of 'banter'?

I’m always baffled by how people can be so sure and so precise about what Love is... surely in a family it’s a mix of lots of emotions: fondness, loyalty, protectiveness, joy, frustration, contentedness? And all at different times for different people and situations and all mixed up?

Does he not love his kids more than you?

I think it's completely normal to love your kids more

I was say I love my children in a different way to how I love my DH. How did it even come up though?

Me and my husband love our children more than we love each other we have both said it and we have a great relationship! We know the kids come first. I would be worried if he loved me more than the kids they are our life. It's a different kind if love you have for your children

I find my love for my DH hard to separate from my love for my DS. I love them both differently, I love my DS with a fierce possessive love that I've never felt before but actually my love and respect for my DH has grown since having ds too.

My dh and I are totally open about how much we adore the children and that our love for each other doesn't compare, it's never been an issue. I do sometimes feel a bit bad as he says he puts me first because he knows I will always put them first but he doesn't mean it in a 'and I come last kind of way'.

I don't see it as a big deal

would say*