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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told DH that i love the children slightly more than him ?

224 replies

Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 10:27

Lightheartedly of course in context however he is a bit taken aback and I can tell he is stewing a bit . I did not mean I don't love him - just differently and perhaps less powerfully to how i love my children. Is this normal ? Am i being out of line here in the way I feel or does everyone feel some degree of this but no-one actually says it ...i am feeling rather guilty now !

OP posts:
Stillgameforalaugh · 23/03/2018 13:30

it's just different. If dh left me tomorrow I'd be devastated but I know that eventually I would be ok and get on with things. I would never want to be without my kids.
I also suspect I love my dad more than dh... again it's probably that biological thing where I know my dad is always there for me etc.

AbsolutelyCorking · 24/03/2018 10:38

I think most people are kidding themselves if they think their husband loves the children more than them. Why is it then that when people split up it’s so common for fathers to hardly see their children? Because their bond to the children is through their mother, and when the connection to the mother is gone then the bond to the children is diminished also. You see it on here time and time again, about how when a man has a new family with a new partner how those children get priority, and the others are forgotten. Whereas mothers are usually the main carer/resident parent.

I think the saving in a fire analogy is unhelpful as it’s all about who is most in need, it’s a protective instinct rather than a measure of love. So your husband agreeing to saving the kids first doesn’t mean he loves the children more.

Buckingfrolicks · 24/03/2018 10:57

I wonder how many of you have pre-adult children though.

That love for children is designed by nature to be overwhelming so that we protect our genetic future.

In a sense it's not "love"but instinct.

Mind you I still harbour a grudge towards my DM for telling me when I was about 10 that she loved my DF more than me and my brother

lizzie1970a · 24/03/2018 10:57

I think he'll be fine as it's natural to love your kids more. If he was being honest with himself he'd admit he also loves them more than you. If push came to shove you'd save the children first, hopefully they'll always been in your lives (blood thicker than water) whereas marriages do fail as people can fall out of love.

Notproudofthisone · 24/03/2018 11:00

My partner has told me he loves our son absolutely unconditionally no matter what (maybe if he was a murderer he’d change his mind) but he won’t love me unconditionally no matter what. Not sure if it’s a lesser love for a partner, just a completely different love.

MsAwesomeDragon · 24/03/2018 11:03

Dh knows he's bottom of the pile after the dcs, Guinea pigs, hamster, etc. He tells me the same. Both of us are quite happy with this state of being.

I love the kids unconditionally, dh comes with conditions. Eg if the dcs get girlfriend/boyfriend that's fine and I still love them, if dh does the same thing that's not fine and I won't still love him.

LeighaJ · 24/03/2018 11:06

Romantic love is just completely different imo then love for your children. I'm not sure why people feel the need to compare them.

But for those that do feel the need to compare them maybe keep in mind that you don't necessarily need to inform others where they fall on your love scale.

LokiBear · 24/03/2018 11:07

My husband knows I love our children more than him. He loves our children more than me. It is normal. My love for my kids is primal, unbreakable. It is a love I will never stop feeling as intensely as I felt it the moment I peed on the pregnancy test. My love for my husband is different. I love him but it is a choice. It requires work and maintenance. I think your dh needs to grow up. Sorry.

MsGameandWatching · 24/03/2018 11:11

Honestly I think it's rather pathetic to be hurt by that. Of course you love your kids more. I remember watching a programme where a woman claimed she loved her husband more and would have the kids in bed super early so they would build their spousal relationship Hmm. It was made quite clear to the children that this grown adult came before them. I just thought it was really weird and she was clearly terrified he was going to leave her. The kids weren't his either so that didn't help. I've heard people say this before too, including my own parents who believed and said to us that "it's us against the world" firstly why are they against anyone anyway and if they have to he could it not be all four of us against the world? Presumably even their own children were The Enemy seeing as we weren't included on The Team.

Also agree that many men are only interested in the children while they have an attachment to the mother. Once that relationship is severed many men who once claimed their children were their world find it astonishingly was to move on and not provide for or see their children.

LoveBakeOff · 24/03/2018 11:13

I would be a bit surprised if someone loved their husband more than their kids. There should be some kind of bond between a parent and their child, unconditional love for them. Love for your partner is conditional really, you can stop loving them for whatever reason. Never stop loving your kids.

Lizzie48 · 24/03/2018 11:19

Trigger warning

I remember my DM telling us that she loved my father more than us. People who observed them knew how important he was to her. It blinded her to the fact that he was abusing us.

When I was trying to stay away from him as a teenager, she told me off for hurting his feelings, rather than asking herself why I was reacting that way.

Your children have to come first, otherwise you won't act to protect them when you need to. Hopefully that situation won't arise, but it does happen. If your DCs know that you love your DH more than them, they won't be able to trust you to protect them.

MoseShrute · 24/03/2018 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

childmindingmumof3 · 24/03/2018 11:30

I find it really sad/weird when women love a bloke more than their children, and I'd assume DH feels the same.
I'd not be impressed if he got all 'hurt feelings' about not being the most important person in the world.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 24/03/2018 11:55

@LeighaJ hits the nail on the head. Of course the DC come first, I just wouldn't want it rubbed in during a light hearted game of "love you more than" presumably played to be affectionate.

It's also a different sort of love, I like to know I'm still top of the Eros pile and that he does "love me best" so being reminded that DC trump me is unnecessary here. Plus that love is presumsbly the one that begot children. The two should be intertwined really anyway!

grafittiartist · 24/03/2018 12:07

I would find it weird if my husband loved me as much as he loves the children. I'm sure we are programmed to put them first. Unconditionally.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/03/2018 12:16

I don't think that DH would be upset if I told him that I loved the children more because I'm sure that he feels exactly the same way so how could he be offended? I love them unconditioning and would swap my life to save them anytime. I suspect that isn't the case with all men though- many seem to have little to do with their children if they split up from the mother for example.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/03/2018 12:16

unconditioning unconditionly

Dungeondragon15 · 24/03/2018 12:20

I think most people are kidding themselves if they think their husband loves the children more than them. Why is it then that when people split up it’s so common for fathers to hardly see their children?

That's not true of all men though!! I am certainly not kidding myself when I say that DH loves our children as much as I do.

RedForFilth · 24/03/2018 13:35

You can't measure love like that. I love my son in a unique way and that goes for other relationships. I love my other family members in a different way to that, unique to the bond I have with them. Same as my friends or boyfriend etc.
I remember my mum saying she would rather my sisters and I died rather than my dad because they could have more kids. She would feel like a dick if I reminded her of that now, they're no longer together!

oblada · 24/03/2018 13:55

DH and I have had similar 'conversations' it's not belittling or offensive and I don't remember how it came up, just general chatting I guess. We both agreed with love the children more than each other although I can see the line wasn't that clear for my DH. But he fully understands and indeed expects me to love my kids more than him. It is a different kind of love yes but the love I have for my kids is definitely more powerful than the love I have for anyone else.

oblada · 24/03/2018 13:56

'We' not 'with'

Namechangemum100 · 24/03/2018 14:04

I don't think it's unusual to feel like that, I think I'd actually be disappointed if dh said he loved me more than our children, I want them to be loved above me.

Fuckoffunicorn · 24/03/2018 14:32

I think it’s normal to love your children more than your husband. And evolutionarily it makes sense

Considering a huge percentage of marriages end in divorce and love for your children is usually unconditional then how could it be any other way deep down

KERALA1 · 24/03/2018 14:34

Whats that saying? Men love women, women love children and children love hamsters?

SundayGirls · 24/03/2018 17:27

Fuckoff For me, although some marriages end in divorce, whilst I'm in mine I'm 100% committed. I don't love on the basis that we might divorce in the future. So I love my DH equally (but differently) to my DCs.
When it comes to who would you save, both DH and I know we would save the DCs first but that's not because we love them more than each other, it's because they are vulnerable and our children and they would struggle to help themselves. Both DH and I would want the other to save the children first.

It doesn't mean I love them more than DH. It's basic parenting. Not a measure of who I love more.